Ways to Defuse Anger and Calm People Down

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Ways to Defuse Anger and Calm People Down

• Training Session

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Training Objectives

• Learn how to stay calm in any situation
• Learn how to deal constructively with other
  peoples anger
• Learn how to eliminate your own behaviors that
  aggravate tense situations, and help create an
  environment where outbursts are less likely to
  occur

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10 Myths About Anger

1. Getting angry is the only way to get things done.
2. Its only natural to respond that way.
3. Strongly confronting an angry person will back
   them down.
4. Intimidation wins respect.
5. Verbal or physical venting will have lasting
   calming effects.

• Anger is a bad emotion.
• There is only one way to deal with anger.
• Anger cant be helped (this is just the way I
  am).
• Not getting angry means they got away with it.
• Ignore it and it will go away.

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Recognizing Different Types of Anger

• Lightning strikes quickly, then is over.
• Tornado thrives on chaos, whips itself and
  everything around it into a frenzy.
• Flood builds up slowly as it surges it carries
  with it items built up over long periods of time.
• Volcano slow to erupt and slow to cool down the
  aftermath is harder than the incident itself.

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Key Guide to Interaction with an Anger Person

• Stages 1 2 Allow the angry person as much
  control as possible encourage problem solving.
• Stage 3 Take control and direct the angry
  persons behavior, give options and state
  consequences.
• Stages 4 5 Restore order and set expectations
  for positive future interactions.

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Stage 1 Set the Tone

• Key Stay calm yourself.
• Breathe
• In through the nose out through the mouth
• Pace
• Depth
• Relax
• Jaws
• Neck Muscles
• Body

• 3. Maintain a healthy attitude
• Non-defensive
• Confident, not arrogant
• Dont take yourself so seriously
• 4. Repeat coping statements to yourself.
• I cant change this person.

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Stage 1 Set the Tone

• Key Defuse most situations quickly by allowing
  the angry person to
• vent.
• Dont interrupt or argue.
• Dont tell the angry person to calm down.
• Do set clear boundaries while allowing the other
  person to talk. You may choose to set boundaries
  by listening to angry feelings but not allowing
  aggressive behavior.

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Stage 2 Understand the Elements of Empathy

• Key Put yourself in their place to understand
  their outburst.
• Understanding
• Know-how
• Assertiveness

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Stage 2 Understand the Elements of Empathy

• Dos
• Allow ample time to respond.
• Use short responses.
• Tailor responses to the other person.
• Use an even tone of voice.
• Try to understand what needs theyre trying to
  meet.

• Donts
• Automatically give advice.
• Pretend to understand.
• Respond with a cliché.
• Sound condescending.
• Jump to conclusions.

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Stage 2 Understand the Elements of Empathy

• Words to Use
• I can tell youve had a tough time.
• I can see why youre discouraged.
• I can tell youre disappointed.
• Im sorry that happened.
• I regret this happened.
• I wasnt aware of that.
• Thats a rough break.

• Words to Avoid
• Dont feel that way.
• Youre wrong.
• Where did you get that idea?
• You dont understand.
• You always
• You never.
• I told you this would happen.
• No one said that.

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Mastering the Art of Listening

• Key Phrase questions so they encourage talk,
  and dont put the
• other person on the defensive
• Pay attention to what is going on beyond you.
• Be curious with a purpose.
• Eliminate the buts.
• Avoid why questions.
• Change the question from Why didnt you ask
  about this earlier? to What stopped/prevented
  you from checking on this earlier?
• Repeat several words the angry person says to
  maintain focus and attention.
• He was a complete jerk and has totally screwed
  up my file.
• Screwed up your file? What happened?

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Keep Quiet

• Key Be silent to allow the angry person to
  take in what youre saying.
• Ask open-ended questions and waitand wait.and
  wait
• Cut the angry person off when he or she becomes
  verbally or physically abusive.

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Focus on Issues vs. Actions

• Key Address the substance, not the symptoms of
  anger
• Typical Signs of Anger Include
• Change in facial expression
• Tendency to exaggerate
• Sarcasm
• Personal attacks
• Physically acting out

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Admit Mistakes

• Key Apologize once and make corrections
  quickly.
• Only when you or the office is responsible for
  some part of the problem.
• Remember Apologies stop the bleeding, they do
  not heal the wound.
• Genuine apologies
• Acknowledge responsibility
• Stimulate personal behavior change
• Avoid excuse making

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Map an Escape Route

• Key Allow the other person to save face
  whenever possible.
• Remember to address substance, not symptoms.
  Dont acknowledge stupid remarks.
• Move from public setting to private.
• You may be right. Lets sit down and discuss
  it.
• Save face by redirecting.
• Away from people problems
• Toward solutions

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Provide Guided Problem Solving

• Key Give limited options.
• Zero in on the key issues that are most important
  to the angry person. (Remember to use your
  questioning skills to get the angry person to be
  specific.)
• Challenge blind spots inaccurate
  interpretations, distortions and help them
  examine the consequences of their behavior. Be
  specific.
• Help the angry person choose from the available
  options to get his or her to buy in to the
  solution.
• Heres a possibility.
• One option you can try is..
• Heres a couple of ways to handle it.
• Turn possible solutions into an action plan. Get
  the angry person to commit to definite tasks,
  behaviors, etc. by specified deadlines.

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Stage 3 At the Height of the Crisis Heed the
Warning Signs

• Key Intervene Immediately
• Visible Signs of Anger
• Change in vocabulary
• Abrupt mood shifts
• Tightness in facial or neck muscles
• Teeth clenching
• Change in tone of voice
• Pacing
• Facial flush
• Physically or verbally acting out threats

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Stage 3 At the Height of the Crisis Heed the
Warning Signs

• De-escalate Immediately
• Move the angry person to neutral environment.
• Create a cooling-off period.
• Stay out of the persons physical space.
• Use non-threatening words, tone of voice and body
  language.
• Respect angry persons perceptions as real to him
  or her.

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Find Safer Ground

• Key Dont try to resolve the crisis at this
  stage.
• The angry person, at this state, is
• Irrational
• Volatile
• Suffering from extremely poor judgment
• Dont engage in problem solving at this time
  dont attempt to reason in fact, the less said
  the better.
• Respect their feelings dont argue back or
  criticize. Use all your tools to remain calm
  yourself.
• Identify consequences of continued behavior.

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Deal with Threats

• Key Take all threats seriously.
• Myth People who make threats are all talk and
  no action.
• Truth The people who talk about it are the ones
  who do it.
• When threatened, always, always, always report a
  threat.
• Provide a clear written outline of what occurred.
• The staff member at the counter will be
  responsible for contacting public safety when a
  threat has been made.
• Tell the angry person the consequences of making
  threats before following through with them.

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Stage 4 After the Crisis Restore Order

• Key Help the rest of the affected staff get
  back to normal as quickly
• as possible.
• C Continue normal work patterns
• A Allow people to discuss the experience. (Not
  at the front
• counter.)
• L Listen and look for signs of escalation among
  staff.
• M Maintain confidence and assertiveness in
  managing the conflict and its effects.

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Set Expectations

• Key Reinforce appropriate behavior.
• Be open in reinforcing desired behavior.
• Encourage them to be reasonable.

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Stage 5 Maintain Daily Peace

• Key You can fuel or reduce another persons
  anger by choosing how to behave. Choose
  behaviors that reduce anger.

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Maintain Daily Peace

• Behaviors that fuel anger
• Lacking respect in tone or behavior
• Not looking at the other person
• Making unreasonable demands
• Needing to be right
• Passing judgment
• Verbal abuse, including sarcasm, humiliation,
  attacks, threats
• Touching or getting too close

• Behaviors that reduce anger
• Showing respect
• Making eye contact
• Focusing on practical solutions
• Keeping an open mind
• Suspending judgment
• Use an even, calm, but firm tone of voice
• Maintaining an appropriate distance

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Maintain Daily Peace

• Behaviors that fuel anger
• Aggressive gestures such as pointing
• Sending mixed messages
• Showing favoritism
• Showing impatience or acting bored
• Being inflexible
• Interrupting
• Using negative words
• Rejecting the person
• Failing to follow through

• Behaviors that reduce anger
• Neutral, open gestures
• Being consistent
• Being fair
• Using active listening skills
• Being flexible
• Allowing limited venting
• Use positive phrases
• Focus on behaviors
• Following through on all promises

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Practice 1

• Scenario 1 A student is stomping towards the
  front counter. He catches you completely off
  guard and starts ranting and raving about his
  admissions and/or financial aid application not
  being processed. He claims he has submitted his
  transcripts several times and it has not been
  processed. He is starting to attack you
  personally. Listen to me, if you dont
  straighten this out right now, Im going to call
  the Provost/Presidents Office. This office is
  so incompetent. All of you should be fired.
  This is why students dont come to your school.
  You make the process so hard!

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Practice 2

• Scenario 2 A co-worker is whipped into a frenzy
  because she needs help with a n event later in
  the afternoon. Shes been making the rounds
  asking for help and is now shifting into
  demanding, whining, threatening to never help you
  again and to tell the boss that youre not a team
  player. You cant see beyond the end of your
  nose. Ill make sure the boss knows about your
  selfish attitude. Im always the one stuck doing
  all the work around here, and its about time the
  boss got wise.

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Practice 3

• Scenario 3 When a Student Interrupts a
  Discussion Between the Employee and Another
  Student You may face a situation where you are
  helping one student and a second student rushes
  up and interrupts your conversation. It may
  appear that you are caught between a rock and a
  hard place, since if you serve the first student,
  the second may become annoyed, and if you serve
  the second one, the first student, quite
  justifiably, may feel you are not treating him or
  her as important.