Developing Your Conflict Competence

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(No Transcript)
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Developing Your Conflict Competence
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After this session, you will be better able to

• Appreciate the importance of developing your
  skills in conflict competence
• Define the basic dynamics of conflict
• Understand strategies to more effectively engage
  in conflict
• Identify your personal triggers and hot buttons

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From the pages of

• Becoming a Conflict Competent Leader
• By Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan
• Developing Your Conflict Competence
• By Craig Runde and Tim Flanagan
• Center for Creative Leadership

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Conflict is

• Any situation in which people have apparently
  incompatible interests, goals, principles, or
  feelings.
• Triggered by
• Precipitating events someone says or does
  something that causes us to believe that their
  interests, goals, principles, or feelings are
  incompatible with or threatening our own
• Hot buttons situations or behaviors in others
  that tend to frustrate or irritate us enough to
  cause us to overreact
• Inevitable

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How do you describe conflict?

• Acceptance
• Aggression
• Always there
• Ambivalence
• Anger
• Annoying
• Anxiety
• Argue
• Avoid
• Banter
• Battle
• Beneficial
• Calm
• Challenge
• Chaos
• Complex
• Constructive
• Costly

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How do you feel about conflict?
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Types of Conflict

• Cognitive
• Focused on tasks and problem solving
• Seemingly incompatible differences of ideas
• Arguments can be spirited, but the emotional tone
  remains neutral or even positive
• Can lead to creativity, energy, higher
  productivity, and strengthened relationships
• Affective
• Blaming people or proving the other person is
  wrong
• People feel threatened typically associated with
  negative emotional tone and ongoing tension
• Can lead to poorer morale, bad decision-making,
  and destroyed relationships

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Cost of Conflict

• Stress
• Wasted time
• Lowered morale
• Increased turnover
• Higher absenteeism
• Grievances
• Lawsuits

• Poisoned relationships
• Aggression, retaliation
• Harmed reputation
• Derailed careers
• Anger, fear, defensiveness, negativity, hurt,
  embarrassment

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Benefits of Conflict

• Improved communication
• Open information sharing
• Vigorous creation of ideas
• Higher-quality decision making
• Improved working relationships
• Innovative solutions
• Less stress, more fun!

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What is conflict competence?

• The ability to develop and use cognitive,
  emotional, and behavioral skills that enhance
  productive outcomes of conflict while reducing
  the likelihood of escalation or harm

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10 Truths of Conflict Competence

• Conflict is inevitable and can lead to positive
  or negative results depending on how it is
  handled.
• While people generally see conflict as negative
  and prefer to avoid it, better results can emerge
  from engaging it constructively.
• In order to overcome reluctance to address
  conflict, people need to believe it is important
  to do so, thus recognizing the tremendous value
  of managing conflict effectively.

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10 Truths of Conflict Competence

• Individual conflict competence involves
  developing cognitive, emotional, and behavioral
  skills that enable one to cool down, slow down,
  and engage conflict constructively.
• Cognitive skills include developing
  self-awareness about ones current attitudes and
  responses to conflict and an understanding of
  conflicts basic dynamics.

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10 Truths of Conflict Competence

• Emotional skills include understanding ones
  emotional responses to conflict, regulating those
  responses to attain and maintain emotional
  balance, understanding and responding to the
  emotions of ones conflict partners, and, when
  necessary, slowing down to allow extra time to
  cool down.

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10 Truths of Conflict Competence

• Behavioral skills include engaging constructively
  by understanding others perspectives, emotions,
  and needs sharing ones own thoughts, feelings,
  and interests collaborating to develop creative
  solutions to issues and reaching out to get
  communications restarted when they have stalled.
• Engaging constructively also involves reducing or
  eliminating the use of destructive behaviors
  characterized by fight-or-flight responses to
  conflict.

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10 Truths of Conflict Competence

• In team settings, conflict competence includes
  creating the right climate to support the use of
  the cool down, slow down, and engage
  constructively model among teammates so they can
  have open and honest discussion of issues.
  Creating the right climate includes developing
  trust and safety, promoting collaboration, and
  enhancing team emotional intelligence.

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10 Truths of Conflict Competence

• In organizational contexts, conflict competence
  involves creating a culture that supports the
  cool down, slow down, and engage constructively
  model. This includes aligning mission, policies,
  training programs, performance standards, and
  reward structures to reinforce the conflict
  competence model. It also includes creating
  integrated conflict-management systems to support
  these cultural changes.

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A conflict-competent leader

• Must be able to self-diagnose and have a high
  degree of self-awareness in order to handle
  personal conflicts effectively
• Must be an expert observer of others so evidence
  of conflict can be spotted early
• Must be able and willing to intervene in the
  discussions of, coach, and influence those who
  are in conflict
• Has the ultimate goal to build organizational
  conflict competence, where all team members are
  self-monitoring and conflict is viewed for its
  strategic value

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The Leaders Journey to Conflict Competence

• Emotional development
• Build awareness of your own responses to conflict
  and your hot buttons/triggers.
• Cognitive development
• Learn mental models and basic dynamics
• Behavioral development
• Practice applying new skills. Cool down, slow
  down, and engage constructively.

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Core Competencies
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Conflict response is a choice.

• Conflict behaviors are learned.
• Gut responses are affected by emotions, which can
  lead to destructive responses to conflict.
• Learned choices start from understanding how we
  typically respond to conflict to see how we are
  naturally effective and to uncover weak spots.
• Conflict responses evolve over time with
  experience, reflection, and feedback.

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Emotional Development

1. How do you currently respond to conflict?
2. What are your hot buttons and triggers?
3. How do you regain emotional balance or cool
   down?

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Exercise Current Response to Conflict

• How often do I face conflict at work?
• When conflict occurs, do I prefer to avoid
  dealing with it or give in to others? Do I come
  off too aggressively at times?
• Do I take time to listen to other peoples
  thoughts on an issue?
• When conflicts emerge, am I aware of my feelings
  and those of others?
• Do I rush to solve problems before Im sure what
  the issues are?
• Do I collaborate with others to come up with
  solutions, or do I make most of the decisions
• on my own?

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Hot Buttons/Triggers

• Situations or behaviors which can hold an
  emotional charge
• Once triggered, the person will attribute
  negative motives to other person, overreact, and
  set off the retaliatory cycle.

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Common Hot Buttons

• There are several types of people who may push
  your buttons, create an overreaction, and
  potentially cause conflict.
• UNRELIABLE Those who are unreliable, miss
  deadlines, and cannot be counted on
• OVERLY ANALYTICAL Those who are perfectionists,
  over-analyze things, and focus too much on minor
  issues
• UNAPPRECIATIVE Those who fail to give credit to
  others or seldom praise good performance
• ALOOF Those who isolate themselves, do not seek
  input from others, or are hard to approach

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Common Hot Buttons (cont.)

• MICRO-MANAGING Those who constantly monitor and
  check up on the work of others
• SELF-CENTERED Those who are self-centered or
  believe they are always correct
• ABRASIVE Those who are arrogant, sarcastic, and
  abrasive
• UNTRUSTWORTHY Those who exploit others, take
  undeserved credit, or cannot be trusted
• HOSTILE Those who lose their tempers, become
  angry, or yell at others

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Exercise Reflecting on Hot Buttons

• Identify a recent situation where you experienced
  a trigger or hot button.
• With a partner
• Name your hot button.
• Briefly describe the situation.
• Explore why this situation or hot button gets to
  you.
• Consider the situation from the button pushers
  perspective. Are there any positive aspects of
  the button pushers behavior?
• Switch turns with your partner and practice
  listening for understanding.

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Regaining Emotional Balance

• Cognitive reappraisal (aka reframing)
• Examine the facts underlying a conflict for
  nonthreatening, alternative explanations.
• Mindfulness
• Pay attention on purpose, in the present moment,
  and non-judgmentally to things as they are.
• Observe what you are feeling and thinking, rather
  than being caught up in the thoughts and
  feelings.
• Changing focus
• Disrupt negative emotional reactions by breaking
  the minds absorption on thoughts related to the
  conflict.

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Regaining Emotional Balance

• Cultivate positive emotions.
• What brings you a deep sense of peace,
  contentment, and happiness?
• Use humor and laughter to foster a sense of
  gratitude.
• Think of what things inspire you and make you
  happy.
• Positive emotions have a cumulative effect, so
  reflect on these uplifting thoughts daily.

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Regaining Emotional Balance

• Resilience
• It takes time to recover from strong negative
  emotions.
• Decrease the time it takes you to recover from
  emotional hijacking by building your capacity to
  respond effectively.

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Conflict Resilience Quotient

• 1 Less True 5 More True
• After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually
  tend to
• Recover quickly and do not worry, agonize, or
  stay preoccupied about what the other person said
  or did that offended me.
• Forgive and do not bear a grudge about the other
  person and what s/he said or did.
• Reflect on what I learned from the conflict that
  will help me manage future disagreements.
• Reach out to make amends with the other person.
• Take responsibility for my part of the conflict
  and consider what I may have done differently.

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1 Less True 5 More True

• After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually
  tend to
• Not share my side of the situation with others in
  self-serving and distorted ways.
• Feel hopeful that things will be better and
  consider how I will try to contribute positively
  to this happening.
• Move on and not see myself as a victim or feel
  sorry for myself.
• Not continue to perceive the other person in
  negative ways.
• Not bad-mouth the person to others.
• Identify what may have been important to the
  other person that I did not realize before.

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1 Less True 5 More True

• After most interpersonal conflicts, I usually
  tend to
• Apologize for my part of the conflict.
• Have a better appreciation for and understanding
  of the other persons perspective on the issues,
  even if I dont agree with it.
• Not criticize, blame myself, or engage in other
  self-deprecating behaviors about what I did or
  said (or didnt say or do).
• Let go of blaming the other person for what s/he
  did or said (or didnt say or do).

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Scoring Key

• 15-39 You likely already know you are not
  conflict resilient and coaching is
• highly recommended.
• 40-54 Your conflict resilience quotient is low
  and conflict coaching is recommended.
• 55-69 You are conflict resilient with a few
  areas that could use some work to strengthen
  your skills even more.
• 70-75 You are definitely conflict resilient.
• From Cinery Coaching

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Regaining Emotional Balance

• Core concerns approach
• Create positive emotions by focusing on five core
  relational concerns common to all people.
• Appreciation acknowledge others
• Affirmation build connections
• Autonomy right to make own decisions
• Status acknowledge skills/talents
• Role define importance of each job

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Regaining Emotional Balance

• Show respect.
• Canadian Human Rights Commission Model
• VALUED
• Validate
• Ask (open-ended questions)
• Listen (to test assumptions)
• Uncover interests
• Explore options
• Decide (on solutions)

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Regaining Emotional Balance

• Slow down.
• When negative emotions are aroused in conflicts,
  we enter a refractory period, in which emotions
  hold sway over our rational mind.
• Take a time out to allow yourself extra time to
  apply some cooling-down techniques.
• Practice language.
• Im upset right now and need some time to cool
  down so I can listen to you with the attention
  you deserve.
• This is an important issue and deserves our full
  attention. I need a little while to reflect on
  this so that I can do it justice.

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Cognitive Development

1. What are some basic responses to conflict?
2. How can I constructively respond to conflict?

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Responses to Conflict
CONSTRUCTIVE DESTRUCTIVE
ACTIVE Reaching Out Perspective Taking Expressing Emotions Creating Solutions (FIGHT) Winning at All Costs Displaying Anger Demeaning Others Retaliating
PASSIVE Reflective Thinking Delay Responding Adapting (FLIGHT) Avoiding Yielding Hiding Emotions Self-Criticizing
Which responses do you use most often? Why? How
can you be more effective?
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Constructive Responses

• Reaching out
• Perspective taking
• Expressing emotions
• Creating solutions
• Reflective thinking
• Adapting
• Delay responding

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Reaching Out

• An overt attempt to resume communications with
  ones conflict partner once a conflict has arisen
• Give an overt invitation.
• Intend to address emotional damage.
• Offer to take responsibility and apologize.
• Express interest in resolving the issue.

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How to Reach Out

• Give an overt invitation.
• I would very much appreciate an opportunity to
  discuss this with you again.
• Would you please join me in reviewing our recent
  conversation?
• Intend to address emotional damage.
• Id like to talk about the damage to our
  relationship.
• Can we focus on the emotional hurt before we
  start talking about our disagreement?

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How to Reach Out

• Offer to take responsibility and apologize.
• Which of the following statements in a good
  apology, without an excuse?
• Im sorry. I didnt realize that I hurt you.
  Please forgive me.
• Did I really sound angry? I was just trying to
  be very clear.
• When you yelled at me, I should have kept my
  cool. I apologize.
• I am sorry. What I said was mean. I know that I
  hurt you. I hope you can forgive me.

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How to Reach Out

• Im sorry. I didnt realize that I hurt you.
  Please forgive me. (Not realizing or remembering
  may be true, but ultimately is an excuse.)
• Did I really sound angry? I was just trying to
  be very clear. (Let me rationalize my
  misbehavior.)
• When you yelled at me, I should have kept my
  cool. I apologize. (But you were wrong, too.)
• I am sorry. What I said was mean. I know that I
  hurt you. I hope you can forgive me. (This is
  the only good one. It acknowledges the damage,
  accepts responsibility, and seeks forgiveness.)

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How to Reach Out

• Express interest in resolving the issue.
• Im sure we can find common ground.
• Although we see it differently now, I cant help
  but believe we can find a way to make it work.
• We both have strong reasons for our views. Lets
  see if we can find some connections in our
  perspectives.
• Id like to explore this further. Will you join
  me?
• Imagine if we found a way for our ideas to work
  together. How great would that be?

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Perspective Taking

• Put yourself in the other person's position and
  try to understand that person's point of view.
• Listen for understanding.
• Focus only on the substance. Check for
  understanding and satisfaction.
• Focus on the other partys emotions. Demonstrate
  empathy.

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How to Listen Well

• Remove all distractions and listen fully.
• What is being said?
• Is anything not being said?
• What hidden messages exist below the surface?
• Are the words and body language delivering the
  same message?

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Levels of Listening
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How to Focus on Substance

• One must demonstrate understanding to the
  satisfaction of the conflict partner.
• Summarize frequently.
• Check for understanding.
• Ask questions related to the content.
• Demonstrate your understanding.

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How to Focus on Emotions

• The ability to show empathy during conflict is
  the most effective way to demonstrate
  emotion-focused perspective taking.
• Label the feeling youve observed.
• You must be very frustrated at the way Ive
  responded.
• NOT I really understand how you feel.

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Expressing Emotions

• Talk honestly with the other person and express
  your thoughts and feelings.
• Become aware.
• Try transparency.
• Own your feelings.
• Contrary to a common misconception, effective
  expression of emotions, thoughts, and interests
  is a sign of strength, forthrightness, and
  honesty.
• Hiding thoughts and feelings is the appearance of
  dishonesty, which leads to mistrust, which
  prolongs conflict.

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How to Express Emotions

• Practice becoming aware of your emotions as you
  experience them.
• Try transparency. I have to tell you, I am
  feeling uncomfortable about having this
  conversation, but I still feel it is important to
  do so.
• Own your feelings. It is no ones job to rescue
  you from your feelings and likewise, its not
  your job to rescue others from theirs. Just
  acknowledge the feeling.

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Creating Solutions

• Brainstorm with the other person, ask questions,
  and try to create solutions to the problem.
• Be careful not to rush to solutions too quickly,
  which results in agreements that only
  superficially address the issue or satisfy only
  one partner.
• Use in combination with adapting and reflective
  thinking in order to generate collaborative
  outcomes.

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How to Create Solutions

• Engage others.
• Explore multiple possibilities and ideas.
• Analyze and discuss the viability of all the
  possible solutions.
• Seek agreement on which solutions to try.

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Reflective Thinking

• Analyze the situation, weigh the pros and cons,
  and think about the best response.
• Notice your own reactions and reactions of others
  during conflict.
• Be aware of the immediate and ongoing impact of
  the conflict on oneself and all the other parties
  involved.
• Think through alternatives to responding to the
  conflict.

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How to Think Reflectively

• Before an impending conflict
• Why do you think a conflict is imminent?
• Is there something that can be done now to defuse
  the conflict?
• During a conflict
• Do you have to respond now or can this wait until
  you have time to reflect on the issues and
  potential solutions?
• Are emotions in control enough to continue
  conversing or do you all need some cooling-off
  time?
• Are your tone, body language, words, or stance
  contributing to the conflict?

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How to Think Reflectively

• After a conflict
• What was the primary issue in this conflict, and
  what alternative solutions existed?
• How well did you communicate during the conflict,
  and is there anything you wish you had done
  differently?
• Is there any follow-up you would like to initiate
  to reduce the impact of something you wish you
  hadnt said?
• What can you do now to try to resolve the
  conflict and minimize any further damage?

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Adapting

• Stay flexible, and try to make the best of the
  situation.
• Have an optimistic mindset that views conflict as
  an inevitable part of the workplace (and life in
  general).
• Be willing to entertain a wide variety of
  alternatives for resolution.
• Be aware of changes or opportunities that signal
  the potential for engaging in problem-solving and
  conflict resolution.

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Delay Responding

• Wait things out, let matters settle down, or take
  a "time out" when emotions are running high.
• Cool down to regain emotional balance.
• Slow down or walk away.
• You must be accountable and committed to come
  back and engage with the conflict.

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How conflict competent do you want to be?

• ACTION
• This week, I will
• This month, I will

• OUTCOME
• For ME
• For the PRACTICE
• For ME
• For the PRACTICE

• The most intense conflicts, if overcome, leave
  behind a sense of security and calm that is not
  easily disturbed. It is just these intense
  conflicts and their conflagration which are
  needed to produce valuable and lasting results.
• -Carl Gustav Jung

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