Handling Conflict in the Workplace

1
Handling Conflictin the Workplace
2
Introduction

• Conflicts are an inevitable part of life.
• In work
• With your family
• With your friends
• The way you handle these conflicts can have a
  major impact on your success, your happiness, and
  your fulfillment in life.

3
Introduction

• In the workshops that follow, you will
• Explore several different aspects of conflict and
  learn important skills that can help you manage
  conflicts effectively
• Youll see how to get a handle on conflict so
  that it can work to your advantage
• Youll discover how to make many conflicts work
  to the mutual advantage of both you AND your
  opponents.

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Lets Get Started

• To get a sense of your current approach to
  conflict, try the self assessment on the handout
  I will give you now.
• For each statement, mark the response that best
  applies to you.
• Dont spend a long time pondering each answer.
  Just choose the answer that seems most
  appropriate right now.

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Your Results

• How many times did you check Often or
  Sometimes?
• Although there are no absolute rules that apply
  in every conflict, each of the 12 statements
  describes a response that tends to produce a
  negative outcome in a situation.
• In the next eight workshops, youll find many
  suggestions and activities that can help you
  identify productive ways of handling conflict and
  put them into practice in your own life.

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The Eight Workshops

• 1 Use and Abuse of Conflict
• 2 Receiving Advice and Criticism
• 3 Giving Advice and Criticism
• 4 Aggressiveness vs. Assertiveness
• 5 Handling Anger
• 6 Preventing Conflict
• 7 Managing Conflict
• 8 Being a Peacemaker

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Workshop 1 Use and Abuse of Conflict

• Read the scenario on Page 3

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What Is Conflict?

• Conflict can build up over time, or it can flare
  up suddenly.
• It can be based on genuine disagreements about
  the job, but it also can be fueled by many other
  things
• Pressures that the individuals are feeling
• Frustrations
• Fears
• Personal dislikes, etc.

9
Conflict Defined

• A conflict exists when one persons attempt to
  reach his or her goals interferes with another
  persons attempt to do the same.
• Ex. Ambers goal is to do her job well, and she
  sees her efforts being blocked by Frank.
• His goal may be to prevent his cherished way of
  doing things from changing.
• Frank patronizes Amber she threatens and calls
  him a name.

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Conflict

• Of course, conflict doesnt have to be so open or
  obvious.
• Perhaps the nastiest conflict in organizations
  (and personal interactions) are the ones papered
  over by smiles and hearty greetings.
• If you feel that someone who pretends to like you
  is really stabbing you in the back, you ARE in
  conflict.

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Disagreement vs. Conflict

• Its important to realize that mere disagreement
  is not conflict.
• Ex. Say that Brie Watters is advocating Plan A,
  and Dan Demenge is advocating Plan B.
• At a company meeting you both present your
  arguments, the two of you disagree strongly, and
  maybe even yell at each other.
• This isnt necessarily conflictwhy?

12
Personality Traits That Promote Conflict

• Are there some types of people who, by their very
  nature, rub others the wrong way?
• I.E. does their personality make them more prone
  to conflict?
• Psychologists and organizational theorists
  believe this to be true.

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Characteristics That Promote Conflict

• Authoritarian attitudes
• Arrogance
• Dogmatism-insistence on the truth of a belief
  that cannot be proved
• Strong need to control things
• Fear of uncertainty that is, wanting to be
  absolutely sure about ones beliefs, ones
  prestige in the organization, etc.

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Consequences of Conflict

• People who study organizations have described
  many damages caused by conflict
• Energy is diverted from important goals.
• Tasks that depend on cooperation dont get done
  properly.
• Both parties feel increased stress and
  frustrations, which can effect job performance.
• The losers in a conflict often feel demeaned or
  not respected, affecting commitment to the
  workplace.

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Consequences of Conflict

• Often conflict spreads to other people, poisoning
  many relationships. Morale declines, job
  satisfaction suffers, suspicion mounts, and
  absenteeism rises.
• As hostilities escalate, some people may get
  fired others may quit. In either case, turnover
  increases.
• Clients/customers notice that somethings wrong
  in the organization and take their business
  elsewhere.
• Activity 1.1. Word process your answers. DETAIL
  is expected!! (Dont forget to put your name on
  your sheet.)

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Is Conflict Always Bad?

• Lets look at some ways in which conflictif
  handled properlymay actually benefit an
  organization.
• As youve seen conflict involves competing goals,
  but sometimes its natural in any organization to
  have them.
• Ex. A company research director wants to spend
  money to develop new products. The companys
  controller, meanwhile, wants to hold down costs.
• Since these goals contradict, this could lead to
  conflict.

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Is Conflict Always Bad?

• Its clear the company should develop new
  products, and it should exercise some control
  over spending.
• Clearly, in this case, the company needs to find
  a balance between these goals.
• If some degree of conflict between the researcher
  and controller helps the company find the right
  balance, in essence the conflict was useful.

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Conflict and Creativity

• Conflict can make competing individuals, and
  those around them, think harder and more
  inventively.
• It tends to increase both the number of ideas
  considered AND the originality of those ideas.
• In our example
• The research director may think of innovative
  ways to design and test new products without
  spending a lot of money.
• Meanwhile, the controller may be inspired by the
  conflict to find more ways to stretch the budget.

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Other Benefits of Conflict

• Focusing of attention-specifically to problems
  that need addressing.
• Stimulation of internal change-getting rid of
  outdated procedures, etc.
• Personal growth-people may learn new things about
  work, life, and relationships they can apply in
  the future.
• Greater understanding of other employees.
• Excitement-life would be boring without it!
• Greater energy and initiative-excited workers
  produce more.

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One Last Benefit

• Youve often heard of the problems caused by
  holding your feelings in.
• Strong negative emotions can fester if you
  suppress them.
• Conflict gives you a chance to vent those
  feelingsto clear the air.
• Of course, if you want to make things better than
  worse, you have to vent your feelings in the
  right way.
• Add Act. 1.2 to Act. 1.1 and PRINT.
• Go to the Web site http//www.qvctc.commnet.edu/c
  lasses/ssci121/questnr.html (Cancel the log in
  screen if it comes up.) Print off the
  questionnaire, read the directions, and take the
  test.

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Constructive vs. Destructive Conflict

• Beneficial conflicts are often called
  constructive conflicts.
• Harmful conflicts are said to be destructive.
• The basic difference?
• Good conflicts build up an organizations
  strengths while bad conflicts tear things down.

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Elements of Constructive Conflict

• The problem is seen as a mutual problem.
• Neither party says, Im okYOU are the one with
  the problem.
• The parties pursue a win-win outcome, in which
  both parties gain, rather than win-lose.
• Both people express their ideas openly and
  communicate effectively.
• Each person takes the other person seriously and
  treats him/her with respect.

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Elements of Constructive Conflict

• Both people feel they have been understood and
  accepted.
• Both people feel they have influenced the
  outcome.
• Both people are committed to the agreement they
  finally reach.
• Relationships among the parties are strengthened
  by the process of finding a solution.

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Checking Your Knowledge

• On a sheet of paper, answer the following
  questions TRUE or FALSE.
• For the good of the organization, employees and
  managers should try to avoid conflicts whenever
  possible.
• Conflict is about opposing or mutually
  incompatible goals.
• Even if people are behaving normallynot yelling
  and screamingthere may be significant conflict
  going on.

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Checking Your Knowledge

1. A loud argument is a clear sign of conflict.
2. Dogmatic people are not likely to engage in
   conflict.
3. Even if youre in the right, winning a conflict
   is not necessarily good for the organization.
4. The right kind of conflict can make people more
   creative.
5. Conflicts always damage personal relationships.

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Workshop 2 Receiving Advice and Criticism
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Receiving Advice and Criticism

• Read the scenario on P. 12
• Have you ever had someone offer you unsolicited
  advice or criticism, which could be very helpful,
  but you get so annoyed that you cant really
  benefit from it?
• For most of us, a reaction like Jacks is
  natural.
• We take pride in our work, skills, savvy, etc.
• When someone points out were not doing something
  right, we feel weve been attacked. Its a blow
  to our self-esteem.

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Possible Reactions

• Feel a surge of anger or embarrassment.
• Strike back verbally at the person whos
  criticizing us.
• Mentally withdraw from the whole affair, tuning
  it out.

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High Self-Esteem

• How many of you feel that you have pretty good
  self-esteem?
• According to psychologists, people with high
  self-esteem are the ones more likely to react
  negatively to advice.
• In other words, if you think youre highly
  competent, youre apt to resent any implication
  that you cant handle a situation on your own.

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Defensive Reactions

• Maybe you feel the advice stems from disrespect.
• Maybe youre annoyed that the person thought you
  needed help, even if the person approached you
  in a friendly manner.
• Defensive reactions, however, often keep us from
  responding rationally.
• Not only do we fail to benefit from the advice,
  but the situation may get worse because were
  upset by whats said. (Many conflicts start this
  way)
• Do Act. 2.1 on P. 14.

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Something To Think About

• Jeffrey Fisher and Arie Nadler did research to
  identify conditions that produce negative
  reactions to assistance.
• One of their interesting findings is that
  negative reactions are stronger if the giver of
  help is similar to the recipient in terms of
  status, age, gender, etc.
• This makes sense. You expect your supervisor to
  know more than you do, so its no threat to your
  ego if he/she does!

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Learning to Listen Four Key Steps

• When we respond defensively to help or criticism,
  our emotions have one immediate effect
• They prevent us from really listening to what the
  other person is trying to tell us.
• If its potentially good information, we lose the
  opportunity to benefit from it.
• How can we improve our ability to really listen
  to messages, even ones that would hurt our
  self-esteem.
• The following four steps can help

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Step 1 Put aside your ego as much as possible

• Separate your inner self from criticism about a
  particular task.
• Remind yourself that only that task is in
  question, NOT your overall performance
• And certainly not your worth as a human being.

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Step 2 Suspend judgment about what you hear

• Dont decide immediately whether the other person
  is right or wrong.
• Dont jump to conclusions about the other
  persons motives and attitudes towards you.
• You may think someone is acting stand-offish and
  superior to you when in actuality they may just
  be shy.

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Step 3 Listen hard to the advice itself-the
information contained in the message

• Concentrate fully on what the speaker is telling
  you.
• If youre interrupted in the midst of an
  unrelated activity, put that aside for the
  moment.
• If you cant give the person your full attention,
  ask him or her if you can discuss the matter at a
  better time.

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Step 4 Use active listening techniques

• In other words, take an active role in the
  conversation to make sure youve understood.
• Paraphrase what the speaker has said and ask if
  your version is correct.
• What Im hearing is that you wish I would
  automatically look for something else to do when
  I finish a task. Is that correct?
• Ask further questions to clarify any murky
  points.
• Read the techniques on P. 16.
• Do Act. 2.2. Word process your responses. Make
  sure each answer is phrased how you would
  actually respond.

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Encouraging Feedback

• It is possible to do more than just listen
  wellyou can actually encourage people to come to
  you with useful feedback.
• If your boss and co-workers feel you are not
  approachable, they are likely to hold back with
  their advice until youve really crossed the line
  and someone must set you straight!
• By this point, the seeds of conflict are already
  planted.

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Encouraging Feedback-Heres How

• Be approachable let others know that you will
  listen if they have good advice.
• Convey your attentiveness with eye contact.
• Use positive body language.
• For instance, keep your posture relaxed dont
  cross your arms and fidget.
• Dont make excuses or blame others
• Those reactions just sound defensive.

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Encouraging Feedback-Heres How

• Thank the person for his or her help.
• Even a nasty critic will be disarmed if you seem
  genuinely grateful.
• If appropriate, ask for further suggestions.
• If you do adopt someones advice, tell him or her
  that you have done so.
• Even if you dont, tell them that you considered
  them seriously.
• In addition to getting good advice, you may be
  amazed at how your relationships with others
  dramatically improve.
• Do Act. 2.3. Word process your responses.

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Workshop Wrap-up

• Defensiveness often prevents us from responding
  well to advice or criticismor even truly
  listening to what the other person is trying to
  tell us.
• We can improve listening by setting aside our
  egos, suspending judgment, listening carefully to
  the information in the message, and using active
  listening techniques to make sure weve
  understood.
• By becoming approachable, attentive, and grateful
  listeners, we can encourage people to come to us
  with good advice.

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Workshop 3

• Giving Advice and Criticism

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Constructive vs. Destructive Comments

• Read the scenario on P. 20
• After reading the scenario, it looks, at first,
  like Raisa is the one that is at fault for the
  conflict.
• Certainly she shouldve focused on not getting
  defensive and listen to the advice she was
  receiving.
• However, Jana bears some responsibility.
• She implied Raisa was neglecting customers.
• She threw in criticism about Raise being late.
• She suggested Raisa couldnt remember procedure.
• Janas intentions were good, her remarks were not
  tactful.

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7 Elements of Constructive Criticism

• Nonjudgmental-advice doesnt convey judgment of
  the other person. It doesnt say Youre wrong.
• Focused on the issue, not the person
• Framed as a mutual problem-not the problem of
  just one person alone.
• Balanced-it balances the positive and negative
  comments. Ex. I can see youre working very hard
  and things are going well overall, but theres
  one small thing we should look at.

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7 Elements of Constructive Criticism

• Focused on the present-doesnt bring up some
  issue that happened in the past.
• Empathetic-it shows you care about how the other
  person is feeling.
• Open to discussion-the speaker conveys that the
  listener may have a different-and possibly
  valid-perspective on the situation.
• Read the Watch Your Language! box on P. 22
• Do Act. 3.1 P. 23-word process your answers

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Dealing with Personal Behavior

• Okadvice should be nonjudgmental and focus on
  the ISSUE rather than the person.
• BUT what if the issue IS the person?
• FIRSTyou can simply try to avoid the person
  whenever possible. If you dont have to work with
  him/her, just stay away.
• SECONDif you do have to work with them, remind
  yourself that they may have some reason for their
  ill temper
• Perhaps their home life is terrible, etc.
• You dont have to invent excuses for them, but
  empathy requires that you try to give them the
  benefit of the doubt.

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Dealing with Personal Behavior

• THIRDunderstand that youre not actually
  objecting to them as a person.
• What you really want to change is their behavior.
• FINALLYif you do decide to offer the person some
  advice, you can focus on specific suggestions
  that would make the environment better for
  everyone, including the person.
• That is, you can try to show him/her how they
  would benefit from changing the behavior.
• Act. 3.2 Word process your answers and SAVE.
  Well add more to this file in a moment.

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Using I Messages

• One verbal technique that can help you frame
  advice constructively is the use of I messages.
• An I message is one that avoids directly
  accusing the other person by making clear that
  the reactions youre stating are your own.
• You can generally accomplish this by using
  first-person singular pronouns I, me,
  myself, and so on.
• Look at the examples on P. 26. Can you see why
  you messages tend to make the listener feel
  defensive?

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Using I Messages

• An I message helps avoid directing so much
  blame at the other person.
• Also, with an I message, you can get your own
  feelings out in the open, helping the listener
  comprehend your motivation.
• This improves mutual understanding
• It increases the chance that the listener will
  take your comments to heart.

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Is Humor Advisable?

• Some people are adept at presenting their
  criticism with a dose of humor.
• They can make their point gently without arousing
  the listeners defenses.
• Hey, Mark, I thought I was supposed to be the
  one with all the goofy ideas around here. Are you
  trying to horn in on my territory?
• If youre good at it, you can often use it to
  your advantage.
• If youre not so good, or the situation is tense,
  youre probably better off avoiding attempts at
  humor.
• The joke may be taken the wrong way.

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Identifying I Messages

• Act. 3.3-Add your responses to your Act. 3.2
  file. Yes or nois it an I message?
• You dont know what youre doing here, do you?
• Let me do thatI know a better way.
• Personally, Im worried about some of the
  consequences of this plan.
• I think you should be fired!
• To me, it seems there might be a better
  alternative.

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Identifying I Messages

• Im not sure I understand the reasoning behind
  your proposal.
• Let me guess You messed up because you were
  totally lost.
• After recommending you for the job, I felt let
  down when it seemed like you werent giving it
  your best effort.
• Can you help me get a handle on this? Im having
  trouble seeing what went wrong.
• Im just fed up with your stupid behavior.
• Now, print out Act. 3.1, 3.2 3.3-with your name
  on it!

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Preparing to Get It Right Facts, Time, Place

• In addition to the way you frame your advice or
  criticism, some other important factors help
  determine whether it will be effective
• Accuracy-before you criticize or advise, make
  sure you have the facts exactly right. A mistaken
  detail can make you seem ignorant.
• Clarity Specificity-Delivery your information
  clearly. Dont leave the person guessing about
  your meaning. They may feel their being
  criticized for no good reason.

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Preparing to Get It Right Facts, Time, Place

• Time and Place-your choice of time and place has
  a crucial impact on the effectiveness of your
  comments.
• If you are discussing a particular event, speak
  up soon enough after so the event is fresh in the
  persons mind.
• Yet, you want to wait long enough for the person
  to have calmed down.
• In most cases, you want to be alone with the
  person so you dont embarrass them in front of
  others.

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Preparing to Get It Right Facts, Time, Place

• How can you make sure your comments are accurate,
  clear, and delivered at the right time and place?
• The answer is that you should prepare well in
  advance.
• Gather all the information you can about the
  situation and its causes.
• Think carefully about how to phrase your remarks.
• Then plan the best time/place to talk to them.
• Do Act. 3.4 in your packet. Write your responses
  in the packet.

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Workshop Wrap-up

• To help people hear you without undue
  defensiveness, frame your advice in a way that
  allows them to preserve their self-esteem.
• Even when you object to someones personal
  behavior, you should focus your comments on
  specific behavioral changes that might improve
  the environment for everyone.
• I messages, which avoid accusations and show
  that the reactions youre stating are your own,
  can help you frame advice constructively.
• Before offering advice or criticism, you should
  prepare in advance so that your remarks are
  accurate, clear, and delivered at the best time
  and place.

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Act. 3.1 Exemplary Answers

• 1) Youre always late. Why cant you get to work
  on time?
• From Cody Z. You have been late to work a few
  times now. Is there a problem or anything I can
  do to help so you can make it to work on time?
• 2) Thats just a silly idea. Its not going to
  work, and the boss will be mad at us.
• From Matt C. I dont know if that idea will
  work. Maybe we could try something else.

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Act. 3.1-Exemplary Answers

• 3) If you werent always so hyper, you would see
  we cant rush this job. There is too much at
  stake.
• From Cameron E. We should not rush through this
  job because there are a lot of things at stake.
• 4) We did it your way last time, and everybody
  said the result was a disaster. Stop trying to
  run everything!
• From Angela G. We did it your way last time.
  Maybe we could try mine this time.

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Act. 3.1-Exemplary Answers

• 5) Why dont you wait for help from someone who
  knows how to do this right?
• From Brie W. I think that next time it would be
  beneficial to ask someone who does this kind of
  work before doing it.
• 6) I dont understand why you ever thought this
  plan would work.
• From Tony Nelson I cant see how this plan will
  work. Could you explain?

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Act. 3.1-Exemplary Answers

• 7) This mess is so typical of you. Its
  completely disorganized. Cant you ever pull
  yourself together?
• From Nishah Dupuis Maybe try and stay more
  focused on the task at hand. That way it will
  stay more organized.
• 8) The boss ripped this proposal apart, pointing
  out lots of mistakes that you made, so youre
  going to have to do it all over.
• From Charlotte Schmid The boss made a couple
  notes on this proposal. Could you look through
  and correct the mistakes he found?

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Workshop 4

• Aggressiveness vs. Assertiveness

61
Aggressiveness vs. Assertiveness

• Read the scenario on P. 31.
• In the scenario, Louis and Juan wanted to make
  the same point about their working conditions.
• Juan managed to get the point across effectively.
  
• Louis, however, succeeded in only irritating the
  union rep.

62
Aggressiveness vs. Assertiveness

• In our scenario, Louiss remarks were aggressive.
• In conveying his own views, Louis said things
  that he knew might hurt Drummond.
• He challenged the mans self-esteem by implying
  he was foolish, neglectful, etc.
• Louiss tone was hostile and sneering.
• Not surprisingly, Drummonds reaction was
  negative.

63
Alternatives to Aggressiveness

• Being passive is one obvious alternative.
• Louis could have chosen not to speak up at all.
• In that case, however, he would have lost the
  opportunity to help himself or his coworkers
  resolve a significant problem.
• Juans assertive approach was better, however.
• He put forth his own ideas, expressed his
  feelings, and conveyed his right to be taken
  seriously.
• At the same time, however, he showed respect for
  the rights and feelings of others.

64
Aggressiveness without Words

• Aggressive people often to the following
• Clench their fists
• Point their fingers at others.
• Stand with hands on hips and feet apart.
• Narrow their eyes.
• Keep their mouths tight and eyes fixed, showing
  little expression.
• Raise their voices.
• Well look at the nonverbal cues of assertive
  behavior later in this workshop

65
AggressionWhere Does it Come From?

• Aggressiveness often appears when people feel
  they are being threatened in some way.
• If someone insults you, you are likely to respond
  with a similarly barbed comment.
• Psychologists have different opinions about
  whether we inherit aggressive tendencies from our
  parents.
• Psychologists do agree, however, that specific
  patterns of aggressive behavior are not
  inherited.
• Rather, these patterns are learned.

66
AggressionWhere Does it Come From?

• A man who reacts to criticism by shoving his
  critic in the chest probably learned that
  response in childhoodand never outgrew it.
• A woman known for sarcastic remarks in meetings
  may have learned early in life to protect herself
  with scornful words.
• As these examples show, the behaviors we learn
  early in life are often not the best.
• We CAN, however, modify them.

67
Did You Know?

• Workplace violencean ultimate expression of
  aggressionis a growing concern.
• According to the Nat. Inst. For Occ. Safety
  Health,
• Homicide is the second leading cause of death on
  the job. Among women, its number one.
• On average, 20 workers are murdered every week in
  the U.S.
• About 18,000 U.S. workers are the victims of
  assault each week.
• While not all of these stem from conflicts
  between co-workers, there is more and more worry
  about disgruntled employees erupting into
  violence.

68
How Aggressive Am I?

• Turn to P. 34 in your packet.
• Do Act. 4.1.
• Rate yourself on a scale of 1-5 in each of the 14
  statements.

69
Do You Have a Script for Aggression?

• Some psychologists believe that each of us
  creates a mental script for aggression.
• Like a movie script, it tells us what to say and
  do in provocative situations.
• We have it memorized and use it all too often
  when the triggering situation pops up.
• We follow the script blindly, playing out our
  aggression even if the consequences are likely
  bad.
• Luckily, because the script is learned, we can
  unlearn it. The first step is simple
• STOP AND THINK!!

70
Characteristics of Assertive Behavior

• Now that you understand what it means to be
  assertive rather than aggressive, how do you
  think assertive people express themselves?
• They do speak up they are definitely not
  passive.
• But somehow they assert their opinions and their
  rights without causing offense.
• Following are some specific techniques used by
  assertive people

71
Characteristics of Assertive Behavior

• Direct eye contact
• Posture that is firm and straight but not stiff
• Serious but not severe facial expressions
• Gestures that reinforce the message without
  threatening
• Objective (not judgmental) language
• Short, to-the-point sentences
• Honest statements of feelings and desires
• Frequent use of I messages
• Voice that is steady and strong without being
  loud
• Willingness to listen to other people

72
Assertiveness Activities

• Do Act. 4.2 P. 36-Practice Your Assertiveness
• Go to the Web site http//www.testcafe.com/sert/?
  affil and take the Assertiveness Assessment.
• On the same sheet where you typed up Act. 4.2,
  type what your strongest and weakest
  assertiveness areas are. Print off your results.
  You will attach this to the assignment you are
  handing in.

73
Perceiving Aggressiveness in Others

• Earlier you learned that aggressiveness is often
  used as a defensive measure.
• The point to remember, however, is that our
  defensive reaction is based on what we perceive
  someone elses intentions to be.
• We may react negatively when the other person had
  no idea that he/she was insulting us.
• Maybe they had no idea you were sensitive about a
  certain topic.
• To avoid this, be careful about interpreting
  other peoples words or behavior.

74
Gender Differences

• In our culture, men tend to use both aggressive
  and assertive language more often than women do.
• This is part of the way our culture defines
  appropriate gender roles.
• Ex. When ordering lunch, take a look at how a man
  and a woman might order a hamburger
• Man- Give me a hamburger, medium rare.
• Woman- Id like a hamburger, and can you make it
  medium rare, please?

75
Gender Differences

• The fact that we expect a certain style of
  language from men and women can lead us into
  misinterpretations.
• Imagine youre working with a new person youve
  never met, and that person contradicts you by
  saying, No, thats wrong, itll never work.
• If this was a man, you might accept this as just
  his brusque way of communicating.
• If this was a woman, you may think shes overly
  aggressive and hostilein which case you might
  respond defensively.

76
Culture Differences

• Different cultures tolerate different amounts of
  verbal aggressiveness and assertiveness.
• For the most part, American culture values
  assertiveness.
• Because our culture has so much respect for
  rugged individualism, we often tolerate some
  outright aggression if we think its for a good
  cause.

77
Culture Differences

• In contrast, many East Asian cultures place much
  more value on cooperation and group spirit than
  on individualism.
• Consequently, they discourage the use of language
  that is confrontational.
• A recent immigrant from Japan may feel hurt by
  language you intended simply as direct and blunt.

78
Culture Differences

• Similar culture variation occurs in feelings
  about personal space.
• In the U.S., social distance ranges from about 4
  feet to about 12 feet.
• If someone comes closer than that, he or she is
  entering our personal space, an area reserved for
  friends, loved ones, etc.
• In most Asian cultures, however, people tend to
  give each other a greater amount of space.
• In many Middle Eastern or Latin cultures, the
  reverse is true.

79
Culture Differences

• Thus, if someone from a close up culture moves
  closer to argue a point with someone from a
  relatively stand offish culture, the behavior
  may be interpreted as aggressive.
• The main point is this
• Whatever your gender or cultural background, you
  should PAUSE before interpreting someones
  behavior as aggressive.
• Take a breath, think it over, and squelch those
  defensive reactions unless truly needed!

80
Aggression in the Eye of the Beholder

• Do Act. 4.3 on P. 39
• Word process your answer. Give me a brief summary
  of the situation before answering the questions.
• First type the question, then type your response.
• Place in the Period 3 basket when finished along
  with Act. 4.1, 4.2 your test results.

81
Workshop Wrap-up

• Aggressive behavior promotes ones own opinions,
  feelings, or rights at the expense of other
  peoples.
• Assertive people use techniques such as making
  direct eye contact, speaking in a strong (but not
  loud) voice, and stating their feelings honestly.
• Often we misinterpret the extent of another
  persons aggressiveness
• Especially when gender or cultural differences
  are involved.

82
Workshop 5

• Handling Anger

83
Handling Anger

• Read the scenario on P. 40 in your packet.
• Yolandas first insight was correctshe could
  have found a better method of handling her
  problem with Toshi.
• By blowing up at him in front of everyone, she
  probably created a lot of ill feeling, and she
  didnt help resolve the underlying difficulties.
• To understand the implications of Yolandas
  problem, lets begin by looking at how and why
  anger arises.

84
The Origin of Anger

• We all get angry at times, both at home and at
  work.
• Anger, however, isnt our first response, no
  matter how much we are provoked.
• In fact, it is what psychologists call a
  secondary emotion.
• This means it stems from some other emotion.
• For example, if someone insults you, youll first
  feel the psychological pain. Your self-esteem may
  be wounded.
• If the putdown occurred in public, you may feel
  shame.
• You may also be afraid others believe what was
  said.
• These primary emotions then lead you to anger.

85
Feels That Arouse Anger

• Numerous feelings can arouse anger. Here are just
  a few
• Embarrassment
• Shame
• Humiliation
• Guilt
• Disappointment
• Frustration
• Fear
• Jealousy
• Grief, etc.

86
Anger In a Nutshell

• To put it simply, anger is a response that helps
  you cope with being vulnerable.
• Like aggressiveness, it is usually defensive in
  origin, even though it can put you on the
  offensive against others.

87
Consequences of Anger

• Anger can have many negative results.
• There are severe consequencespeople turning
  violent with fists, knives, and guns.
• For most of us, however, anger takes the form of
  words, looks, gestures, or maybe even a shove.
• These responses dont hurt anyone in a physical
  sense, but they can nevertheless have bad
  effects.
• Think of a time when your anger at a friend or
  loved one has disrupted your relationship for
  days, weeks, or longer.

88
Anger in the Workplace

• In a work environment, uncontrolled anger is
  likely to produce consequences like
• The angry person says unwise things or makes
  exaggerated accusations.
• Other people get angry as well.
• Additional grievances are aired, complicating the
  situation.
• Relationships are strained or broken.
• Morale and team spirit are undermined.
• The underlying conflictthe source of the
  problembecomes even harder to resolve.

89
Internal Consequences for the Angry Person

• Anger is bad for your health! It has been known
  to cause the following problems
• Increased stress
• Anxiety
• Headaches
• Upset stomach
• Ulcers
• High blood pressure
• Heart disease
• Stroke
• Insomnia

90
Did You Know?

• The Harvard School of Public Health did a study
  that showed a link between anger and heart
  disease.
• Following 1300 men with an average age of 62 for
  7 years, the men with the highest levels of anger
  (determined by a personality test) were three
  times more likely to develop heart disease than
  men with lower levels.
• Act. 5.1 P. 43 Word process your responses and
  save your file.

91
Whats the Use of Anger?

• It is important to realize that anger also has
  its uses. As a defensive response, it can help us
  adapt to a situation in a number of ways
• Anger charges us with energy and helps us act
  forcefully.
• It focuses our attention.
• It can lead us to bring negative feelings into
  the open.
• If we express anger, it signals others that we
  mean business.

92
The Responsibility for Anger

• Perhaps the biggest step you can take in handling
  your anger is to realize who is responsible for
  it.
• After hearing about the nature and origin of
  anger, can you guess where the responsibility
  lies?
• The answer is simple You are responsible for
  your own anger.

93
The Responsibility for Anger

• You may really feel that when you get angry you
  have a good reason for it.
• Anger is often justified in the sense that we
  have a legitimate reason for it.
• That doesnt change the fact that the angry
  person is the one responsible for the emotion.

94
YOU Are Responsible

• Think of it this way Often you may say something
  like Bernice made me really angry today.
• Yet it wasnt Bernice who actually made your
  anger. YOU made it yourself, most likely to
  defend yourself from something Bernice said or
  did.
• Remember if youre angry, the anger exists
  inside you. Its yours, nobody elses. Therefore,
  you are the only one who can manage it.
• Act. 5.2 P. 45 Word process your responses and
  add it to the bottom of Act. 5.1.

95
To Let It Out or Keep It In

• It may seem to you that you have two basic
  alternatives let it out or keep it in.
• You can either express your anger or suppress it.
• Unfortunately, both of these options can have
  negative consequences if carried to an extreme.
• Bursts of anger strain relationships. It can help
  you temporarily blow off steam, but the anger
  itself can remain and even deepen because of the
  hostile words youve used.

96
To Let It Out or Keep It In

• On the other hand, if you stifle your anger, it
  can make you increasingly frustrated and
  irritable.
• It can even ruin your sleep or digestion
• Suppressed anger may burst out at the worst
  possible time, and maybe directed at the wrong
  person.
• If you have a strong tendency toward one extreme
  or the other, you need to modify that habit in
  order to handle anger effectively.
• Assess how you express anger. Do Act. 5.3 on P.
  46. Word process your responses at the bottom of
  Act. 5.1 5.2.

97
Managing Anger

• Luckily letting it out and keeping it in are
  not the only alternatives for dealing with anger.
• There is a more sophisticated way you can manage
  your anger.
• That is, you can express it in a controlled,
  measured waya way that maximizes your chances of
  improving the situation, not worsening it.

98
Seven Steps for Managing Anger

• Step 1 Accept the fact that youre angry.
  Acknowledge YOUR responsibility for dealing with
  the emotion.
• Step 2 Decide exactly what youre mad at.
  Analyze the source of your feelings, and separate
  the real from the minor, insignificant matters.
• Ex. Your boss walks in and says Hi to your
  co-worker, but not you. Why are you mad? Because
  the boss is rude? Because you think your
  co-worker is undermining you?

99
Seven Steps for Managing Anger

• Step 3 Be sure you understand the facts of the
  situation. If you heard from Roger Smith that
  Troy Bednarek made a sarcastic remark about you,
  make sure Troy actually said such a thing.
• Then try to figure out the context in which it
  was saidwas it just an innocent remark?
• Step 4 Decide whom you can speak to about the
  problem. Usually its the person youre mad at.
• Sometimes, however, it should be a supervisor or
  a neutral third party whom you trust to give good
  advice.

100
Seven Steps for Managing Anger

• Step 5 When you speak up, do it in an assertive,
  not aggressive, manner.
• Describe the problem objectively.
• Also describe your feelings, your needs, and your
  desires (using I messages).
• Focus on the goal you want to achieve.
• Step 6 Propose a solution that would be
  acceptable to you and also potentially acceptable
  to the other person.
• Ashley, I dont expect an apology, but now that
  you understand my feelings, I hope youll refrain
  from doing that in the future.

101
Seven Steps for Managing Anger

• Step 7 Afterward, reflect on the entire
  experience and learn from it.
• Think about whether you managed your anger in the
  best possible way.
• Decide whether you should modify your approach in
  the future.
• Do Act. 5.4 P. 49. Word process your responses
  and turn in with 5.1-5.3 when finished.
• Next, find a Web site that specializes in anger
  management. Read the information, and write a
  one page-double spaced summary (and I mean a FULL
  page) of the information given at that site.

102
Workshop Wrap-up

• Anger usually arises as a defensive response when
  we feel vulnerable.
• Without proper management, anger can have severe
  consequences for relationships, morale, and
  personal health.
• The responsibility for anger lies with the person
  who feels the anger, not with anyone else.

103
Workshop Wrap-up

• The extremes of letting anger out and keeping it
  in can both be harmful. A better way is to try
  consciously to manage your anger.
• Practical steps for managing anger include
• Accepting responsibility
• Clarifying the emotional and factual details
• Speaking about the matter assertively
• Reflecting on the experience afterward.

104
Workshop 6

• Preventing Conflict

105
Preventing Conflict

• Read the scenario on P. 51 of your packet.
• Can you see why Sergeis advice was valuable?
• Michael was heading toward a potential conflict
  that may have been totally unnecessary.
• For example, he jumped to conclusions that
  Orlando was cursing him.
• Also, when he said that Orlandos sort of
  person had a temper, he may have been relying on
  a stereotype about ethnic groups.

106
Problems of Perception and Interpretation

• Our perceptions are marvelous sources of
  information.
• We learn a lot about people by seeing what they
  look like, watching them act, hearing what others
  say about them, etc.
• Unfortunately, they are often wrong.
• Sometimes our eyes and ears simply mislead us.
• You hear My boss is a stupid dunce. What was
  said My boss is stupendous!
• Our errors are caused by the way our perceptions
  slide immediately into interpretation. Were
  always trying to make sense of what we see.
• Take a look at the following perception exercise.

107
Ways Perception/Interpretation Become Distorted

• First Impressions
• After we form an opinion of someone, were very
  reluctant to change it.
• We actually tend to ignore or downplay later
  information that contradicts our first
  impressions.
• Implicit Personality Theories
• These are unspoken assumptions about which
  personality traits and behaviors naturally belong
  together.
• We might assume someone who is kind to animals is
  also warm and kind to humans.
• Sometimes the link is accurate other times its
  not.

108
Ways Perception/Interpretation Become Distorted

• Fundamental Attribution Error
• When we interpret someones behavior in a
  situation, we tend to attribute too much of the
  behavior to personal characteristics and too
  little to the situation.
• For example, when you see someone banging their
  fist on his desk after a call from a client, you
  may think this means he has a bad temper.
• In reality, you might have responded the same
  way. Maybe the client was really abusive.

109
Examples of Fundamental Attribution Error P. 54

• Event Child screams in a restaurant
• Common response What a bratty kid!
• Thoughtful response Maybe that child has a
  stomach ache.
• Event An old friend passes by without
  acknowledging you.
• Common response Hes getting stuck up.
• Thoughtful response He could be worried about
  that big project he has to finish by tomorrow.

110
Order IS Important

• In a classic experiment conducted in the 1940s
  one group was told that a certain person was
• intelligent, industrious, impulsive, critical,
  stubborn, and envious.
• Another group heard the same description, in
  reverse
• envious, stubborn, critical, impulsive,
  industrious, and intelligent.
• The result the first group had a much more
  favorable opinion of the person than the second
  group.

111
Preventing Errors of Perception and Interpretation

• You probably cant prevent them entirely.
• However, once you accept that youlike all
  peopleare prone to them, you can minimize their
  effect.
• The following techniques can help
• Check your perceptions. Did you actually hear
  what you thought you heard?
• Instead of assuming you know why someone behaved
  the way he or she did, think about other possible
  interpretations.
• Seek additional information. Talk to the person
  or someone else who was there.
• Separate your feelings from the matter youre
  investigating. Try to stay objective.

112
Minimizing Distorted Interpretations

• Do Act. 6.1 on P. 55 in your packet
• Word process your responses and save this file.
  We will be adding 6.2 and 6.3 to this document.

113
Stereotypes A Necessary Evil?

• Stereotypes are our beliefs that certain groups
  of people tend to have distinct characteristics.
• Some would say, stereotypes must be avoided at
  all costs. Taken to an extreme, this is not
  necessarily true.
• We all try to predict how people are likely to
  respond to various situations based on the
  stereotypes weve formedsometimes right and
  sometimes wrong.
• If you encountered a middle-aged VP in the
  cafeteria, you probably would assume he didnt
  want to hear about an upcoming rock concert.
• Maybe its true, maybe its not. It is really
  harmless that we dont discuss it based on our
  stereotype.
• Restaurant example

114
Stereotypes That Cause Problems

• When is it, then, that stereotypes cause
  problems?
• Stereotypes are most likely to become a hindrance
  when they are
• Negative
• Inflexible
• Offensive to others

115
A Negative Stereotype

• Mrs. Rabinowicz in Purchasing is in her sixties,
  and she speaks very slowly.
• You assume her mental faculties must have
  declined, and as a result, you fail to heed her
  excellent advice.

116
An Inflexible Stereotype

• Bonnie is a physical therapist whos scarcely
  five feet tall and must weight less than 100
  pounds, soaking wet!
• Youre certain shes not strong enough for the
  most strenuous aspects of the job, even though
  youve seen her supporting a professional
  football player who was recovering from knee
  surgery.

117
An Offensive Stereotype

• Whenever you see Hakeem in the hallway, you stop
  to chat for a minute about the latest basketball
  scores.
• You assume that because hes tall and African
  American, hes interested in basketball.
• One day, though, he gets annoyed at you.
• Just because Im black, you think all I care
  about is basketball? Why dont you ever ask me
  about opera?

118
What To Do About Harmful Stereotypes

• What can you do iflike most everyoneyou harbor
  some negative, inflexible, or potentially
  offensive stereotypes?
• Because you cant avoid putting people into
  categories, try to use more categories than
  fewer.
• Be conscious of the assumptions youre making
  about other peopleand sensitive to their
  reactions.
• Always strive to keep yourself open to new
  information about other people.
• Do Act. 6.2 P. 59 Word process, add to Act. 6.1,
  and save.

119
Behavior Patterns

• Oftentimes when you find yourself engaging in the
  same kind of conflicts over and over again, the
  best option is to take another route.
• That is, change some of the simple behavior
  patterns that are leading to this conflict.

120
Possible Changes You Can Make

• Avoiding unpleasant topics-often you know which
  subjects are likely to get someone wound up.
• Easy solution avoid them!
• Ignoring minor problems-Some disagreements just
  arent worth bothering about. Focus on larger
  goals and forget about the trivialities.
• If you know someone who always tells you about
  how attractive she is, let her think it! So what?

121
Possible Changes You Can Make

• Dismissing put-downs-if someone makes a comment
  that you feel puts you down, refuse to let it
  bother you.
• If theres a grain of truth to it, learn from it!
• If its wrong, stupid, or thoughtless, you can
  just ignore it.
• Often the best response is none at all.
• But, if you have to respond, choose a comeback
  that shows you arent concerned
• No kidding! Thanks for pointing that out!

122
One Final Possible Change

• Consciously try to raise your tolerance for
  disagreement.
• This can be easier said than done, but if you
  have thin skin, you can make it somewhat thicker
  by reminding yourself
• Youre a conscientious, competent person, no
  matter what others may say.
• Some conflicts just arent worth the time or
  effortyou have better things to do.
• Do Act. 6.3 P. 61 Word process this and add it to
  6.1 6.2. Then turn it in.

123
Workshop Wrap-up

• You can reduce the potential for conflict by
  working to minimize common distortions of
  perception and interpretation.
• Such as over-reliance on first impressions.
• Stereotypes foster conflict when they are
  negative, inflexible, or offensive to others.
• You can often prevent conflict with simple
  changes in behavior, such as avoiding unpleasant
  topics and ignoring put-downs.

124
Workshop 7

• Managing Conflict

125
Managing Conflict

• Read the opening scenario on P. 63 in your
  packet.
• Like Sharif, Luis, and Lianne, all of us
  sometimes face conflicts with co-workers or even
  with friends.
• No matter how much we apply the principles of
  earlier workshops, conflicts do arise and we have
  to cope with them.
• By learning about the different strategies
  available, you can begin to make yourself a true
  manager of conflict.
• The five basic strategies psychologists identify
  are avoidance, accommodation, compromise,
  competition, and collaboration.

126
1) Avoidance

• Sometimes called withdrawal, this strategy
  involves stepping away from the conflict and
  ignoring it as much as possible.
• This strategy can be useful when
• The problem is trivial
• You dont care about the outcome
• Its not the same as sticking your head in the
  sand and pretending the problem doesnt exist.
• It simply means that you are considering others
  things more important than getting involved.

127
2) Accommodation

• In this style, you give up the strong pursuit of
  your OWN goals.
• You show you are willing to put your goals aside,
  at least temporarily, to accommodate the other
  person.
• Use this strategically, not because youre weak
  or afraid of fuss.
• Maybe you realize that the other persons goal is
  really more important than yours.
• You may feel that being agreeable now will help
  you achieve a more important goal later on.

128
3) Compromise

• This means splitting the difference or meeting
  in the middle.
• Each party sacrifices some part of his/her goal
  in order to resolve the conflict.
• Neither is completely satisfied or terribly
  unhappy.
• Like the previous two, compromise works best when
  the goal you have been pursuing is not greatly
  important to you or there isnt time to work out
  a more complex solution.

129
4) Competition

• Unlike the previous three, competition does not
  involve any willingness to give up your goal.
• This is sometimes called forcing because you try
  to force others to go along with you.
• Competition is the essential win-lose strategy.
  You win, the other loses.
• Following this too much will likely result in
  loss of friends.
• There are times, however, when this is the
  strategy of choice.
• Ex. When its vital to act quickly and youre
  convinced your way is right.

130
5) Collaboration

• Here, both parties work to find a mutually
  acceptable solution.
• Think back to constructive vs. destructive
  conflict.
• Collaboration is the strategy most likely to make
  a conflict constructive because its a win-win
  approach. Both parties achieve their goals.
• This approach is sometimes called problem solving
  because its key that the parties see the
  conflict as mutual so they must work together.

131
5) Collaboration-contd

• If collaboration is so great, you may be
  wondering, why dont we use it in every
  situation?
• For one thing, it requires commitment on the part
  of BOTH parties to achieve a solution.
• Collaboration often takes a good deal of time and
  effort.
• So its most appropriate when both the goals of
  the two parties and their personal relationship
  are of high importance.

132
A Gender Difference?

• Research suggests that men are more apt to use a
  competitive conflict strategy than women.
• The four other strategiesavoidance,
  accommodation, compromise, and collaborationare
  more likely to appeal to women.
• This finding fits with other research showing
  that, in conversation, men are likely to be more
  aggressive, assertive, and competitive than
  women.
• Do you think these difference are in our genes,
  or are they a product of the way our society
  defi