Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work

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Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work

• What the research really says

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True or False?

• It is better for the children if the parents
  remain married, even in a hostile marriage.

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True or False?

• The primary goal of those helping married couples
  should be to reduce conflict in the relationship.

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True or False?

• Active listening has never been proven to be
  an effective practice.

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True or False?

• Expression of anger has been associated with
  increased marital satisfaction.

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Fact

• Unhappily married couples underestimate the
  positivity in the relationship by as much as 50

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True or False

• Bickering, passionate couples were the only group
  to have a romantic marriage after 35 years.

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True or False

• The husband should be in charge.

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True or False

• In ailing marriages couples generally communicate
  clearly.

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True or False

• Most things people argue about cannot be solved.

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True or False

• People should not begin marriage with high
  romantic expectations.

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Fact

• In ailing marriages the positive things dont
  erode, they are just done less and less over
  time. Patterns are established early and become
  more entrenched over time.

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Fill in the blank

• Nearly 80 of men and women say their major
  reason for wanting a divorce is ______________

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Short answer

• Who has the most influence in setting the mood in
  the home?

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Marriage Killers

• Harsh start-up

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Marriage Killers

• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• the most corrosive of all relationship behaviors

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Marriage Killers

• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• 1. Criticism (vs. Complaint)

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Marriage Killers

• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• 2. Defensiveness

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Marriage Killers

• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• 3. Contempt

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Marriage Killers

• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
• 4. Stonewalling

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Marriage Killers

• Flooding

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Marriage Killers

• Failed repair attempts

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Marriage Killers

• Bad memories

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 1 Love Mapping

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 2 Nurture Fondness and Admiration

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 3 Turn Toward Each Other

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 4 Accept Your Partners Influence

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 5 Solve Your Solvable Problems
• 69 of problems are perpetual

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 6 Overcome Gridlock

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Making Marriage Work

• Principle 7 Create Shared Meaning

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Effective Problem Solving

• Softened start up
• Repair and de-escalation
• Accepting influence
• Compromise
• Soothing