CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND CHANGES IN RELATIONSHIPS

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CONFLICT RESOLUTION AND CHANGES IN RELATIONSHIPS
Designed by Regina Crews, Secretary of Student
Support Services
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RELATIONSHIPS

• Self - In order to have a fulfilling
  relationship with others, we must have a good
  relationship with ourselves. Do you like
  yourself? Are you comfortable with who you are
  and what you hope to become?
• Family - Parents and siblings. Unconditional
  love. We cannot change those people who are a
  part of us, but we can change how we relate to
  them.
• Spouse - Take time for FUN seize a spontaneous
  moment. Life can be too serious. Honoring the
  wedding vows, for better, for worse.till death
  do us part is not easy. For a marriage to
  last, you must
  be married to your best friend.
• Parenting - The most important job a person can
  undertake.
• The only job for which no training or experience
  are required.
• Fatherhood - Providing for your family is an
  obligation to be taken seriously.
  Being a positive role model and actively involved
  in the raising of your children is at least as
  important as earning a paycheck.

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• Motherhood - Motherhood is not about fulfilling
  your own potential its about helping your
  children fulfill theirs. When the Glass Slipper
  Doesnt Fit, Worley and Cloninger.
  Responsibilities include loving, training, and
  providing for your childrens needs.
• Children - Need to be nurtured, not rushed out of
  childhood. Pat Zell suggests our children have
  rights to be a child
• the right to be loved
  -- the right to be disciplined
• the right to be protected
  -- the right to learn to think
• the right to know they have a lot to learn
• the right to learn respect
  -- the right to learn to forgive
• the right to learn patience
  -- the right to spiritual
  involvement
• the right to encouragement
• Friends - One must be a friend in order to have a
  friend. Genuine friendships last a
  lifetime. They need to be
  cherished as one would a rare treasure.

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ELEMENTS OF A GOOD RELATIONSHIP

• RESPECT
• DIGNITY
• LOVE

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SPEAKING THE TRUTH IN LOVE by Gary D. Chapman We
were sincere, we were loving, we said it kindly,
but it resulted in a war of hot words or perhaps
a cold war of silent withdrawal. Find a new way
to speak the truth in love, and your spouse will
receive it as you intend it. Some of us
pride ourselves on speaking the
truth, but we are not very big on
seeking to express it in love.
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How to Avoid Verbal SCUD Missiles

• Learn from the defensiveness of your spouse.
  Dont take it personally. Recognize their
  defensiveness is because you have threatened
  their self-esteem. The next day, ask your
  spouse why he or she thinks they got so defensive
  at your comment. The answer may give you genuine
  insight into your spouses emotional history.
• Learn the art of making requests. For some, this
  means asking if their spouse would be open to a
  suggestion. For all of us, it means couching our
  criticisms in the form of a request rather than a
  demand.
• Do you know what would make me happy? Do
  you
• know what I would like for you to do for me?
  Would it be
• possible for you to This is the language of
  requests.
• Make sure that your statements of truth are
  expressed in love. Am I sharing this
  because I sincerely believe it will benefit my
  spouse? If it does not pass the test of love, it
  should not be shared.

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Speaking the truth in love is far different from
getting it off my chest. The latter simply
ventilates pent up anger. The former is designed
to stimulate constructive change. We all
understand we are not perfect, that there is room
for improvement in our lives, and
ultimately we come to respect the person
who loves us enough to speak the truth
kindly.
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ADAPTING TO CHANGE

• CHANGE ADVENTURE, RISK, FEAR OF THE UNKOWN..
• Adapting to change is tempered by who we are,
  life experiences and expectations.
• Our attitudes may reflect an open mind and be
  receptive to new experiences.
• We may cling to the comfort and security of
  wanting things to stay the same.
• We may not have a choice and be forced into
  change.
• Our inherent nature of optimism or pessimism
  determines if we look for the best in any
  situation.

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EXAMPLE OF CHANGE

• COLLEGE - a big change in your life - what
  brought you here in the first place? Identify
  your support system. Set goals so you can
  measure your accomplishments. Recognize the
  VALUE of the change you are experiencing. The
  college experience tends to help one be more
  accepting of new ideas and more able to control
  ones future.
• The most fundamental value of education is
  that it makes life more interesting. This is
  true whether you are fetched up on a desert
  island or adrift in the impersonal loneliness of
  the urban hurley-burley. It allows you to see
  things which the uneducated do not see.
  It allows to understand things which do
  not occur to the less learned. In short, it
  makes it less likely that you will be a
  crashing bore to those whose company you keep.
  By analogy, it makes the difference
  between the traveler who understands
  the local language and the traveler to whom the
  local language is a jumble of
  nonsense words.
  
• Kingman Brewster, former
  president of Yale University

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CHALLENGE TO CHANGE

• Change is a process. Long-lasting changes
  require a well-defined series of stages.
• Stage 1 Precontemplation - People in this stage
  often start to pay attention when they understand
  the dangers of their problem behavior (drinking,
  smoking, overweight).
• Stage 2 Contemplation - I should change, but
  You may be stalled because you fear the costs of
  change. Make a list of the pros
  and cons. You must be convinced that the
  benefits of making the change
  outweigh the sacrifices.
• Stage 3 Preparation - You must have a game plan
  to be successful at a behavioral change or
  eliminating a bad habit. Examples Change of
  routine, mental defense against
  temptations, plan for obstacles, set a date and
  go public, try a halfway measure, etc.

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• Stage 4 Action - Decide whether to go it alone
  or in an established program. Strengthen your
  commitment - personal responsibility. Set goals.
  Establish rewards. Replace old behaviors with
  healthy ones. Change your environment. Get
  support.
• Stage 5 Maintenance - Learn from your mistakes
  through trial and error. Do not let slip ups get
  you down. Chart your progress. Keep your
  confidence by keeping your perspective.

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GROWTH OCCURS IN SIX DIMENSIONS

• Intellectual development - Learn how to create
  ideas in your own words and express them to
  others.
• Occupational development - Awareness of
  opportunities in the world of work that fit your
  interests and abilities, as well as an
  appreciation of how liberal arts and sciences
  provide thinking skills that are applicable to
  the great majority of career fields.
• Emotional development - Learning to cope with
  stress and anxiety, awareness of personal
  feelings, enthusiasm for life and ability to
  succeed
• Physical development - The lifelong value of
  prevention in fitness,
  exercise, and nutrition.
• Social development - The value of contributing to
  the common welfare of our community
  and getting along with others.
• Spiritual development - Gaining a sense of ones
  own values as well as an appreciation of the
  value systems of others, a sense of ethics, and a
  general appreciation of life and the natural
  forces in the universe.

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All six areas are interconnected to make an
interlocking portrait of yourself. Discovering
your strengths in one area leads to similar
strengths in other areas.
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CONFLICT

• A normal part of life
• Cannot be eliminated.
• Can be reduced.
• Usually follows the emotion of anger
• Caused mostly by misunderstanding
• Reduced by better communication

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THE DIRTY FIGHTERS

• Avoider - refuses to fight pretends to be busy
  or asleep will not face issues.
• Guilt-Maker - tries to change anothers behavior
  by making him feel guilty.
• Mind Reader - explains what the other person
  really means.
• Gunnysacker - saves his feelings attacks
  later.
• Joker - refuses to be serious blocks feelings.
• Belt-Liner - hurts or belittles partner gets
  even.

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FIGHTING FAIRLY

• Identify the problem as your own by using I
  language.
• Be clear and direct in expressing thoughts and
  feelings.
• Listen to the others thoughts and feelings.
• Make reasonable requests, not demands.
• Negotiate/compromise.
• Implement the solution.

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In order for change to be successful or
acceptable, we must take an active role in the
circumstances surrounding the change. If we do
nothing toward gaining acceptance or generating
enthusiasm for the change, the wall of resistance
is more likely to become apparent. Nothing
ventured, nothing gained. The same old
thing. Why bother? Mind
closed.
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PROACTIVE vs. REACTIVE

• If you are in a canoe in the middle of a lake,
  the absence of an oar forces you to float in the
  direction of the current and have no control over
  where you are going or the condition in which you
  get to shore. People resistant to change lack
  the oar to set the direction of their lives. One
  guarantee in life change will happen without
  your consent.

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PROACTIVE STANCE

• Gain as much information as possible about the
  new situation
• Talk with someone in a position to provide you
  answers to your questions.
• List positive outcomes you anticipate from this
  change.
• Have your support system available during
  difficult times
• Set small goals to accomplish along the way.
• Identify something good that happens each and
  every day during the process.
• Let go of excess baggage that no longer applies
  to your life.

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LIFE CHANGES

• College
• Divorce
• Career change
• Death in the family
• Retirement
• Empty nest
• Health problems

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Do not let the changes and conflicts in your life
rule it. Take a proactive stance and try to find
the bright side of the change and look to how it
will affect your future. Remember Life is what
you make of it, do not let the actions of others
affect you. Compromise is very important in all
types of relationships and is the glue that binds
them. Compromise keeps the boat going in a
straight direction instead of in circles. Change
can be a good thing, embrace it. To be happy is
the ultimate result of all ambition. Samuel
Johnson
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• We hope you have enjoyed this workshop and gained
  some useful information from it. Please complete
  and return an Academic Enrichment Summary so
  that we may document your participation in this
  workshop. If you are viewing this workshop via
  the internet please come by the Student Support
  Services office to complete an Academic
  Enrichment Summary or you may click on the link
  in the directions box on the Workshops page and
  print it out or e-mail it to rcrews_at_wallace.edu
  so that we may document your participation.
  Handouts available upon request.
• EXIT