Engaging the non-offending parent in a process of change

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Engaging the non-offendingparent in a process of
change

• Dr. Karen M. Nielsen,
• Registered Clinical Social Worker
• Dr. Ann Marie Dewhurst
• Registered Psychologist

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Two Stories

• Cindys Story
• Crystals Story
• Reflect on your initial responses to the two
  stories. Write this down and park it for now.
• What are your initial reactions to mom in each of
  the stories.
• Physical
• Emotional
• Cognitive thoughts and beliefs
• Professional

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After disclosure
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However

• Three agendas
• Therapeutic to help support and protect the
  child.
• Investigative to find out what happened and
  decide parental competencies.
• Judicial to assist the judicial system to stop
  and charge the offender.

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Creating Resistance

• Where the agendas conflict the Investigative and
  Judicial agendas are privileged.
• Parents understand this.
• This can support resistance.

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Non-offending Parental Responses
Ambivalent Questioning Lost Unsure Frustrated Help
less Stressed Confused Distancing/ avoidant
Working With Nurturing Expressive Seeking Engaging
Collaborative
Working Against Angry Overwhelmed Defiant antisoc
ial Defensive Hopeless Rejecting / avoidant
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Defining Resistance

• Opposition to somebody or something.
• Refusing to accept or comply with something.
• Attempt to avoid damaging effects.
• Attempt to maintain power or control.
• Force opposing another force.

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Fear

• People are often afraid of what they dont know
  or understand.
• People are often afraid of what they might lose
  or what they might have to do.
• People are not always confident in their ability
  to make change.

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Fear and Resistance
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Understanding the non-offending parents context
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Expanding Context

• Adherence to female stereotype
• Being a mother is life goal
• Need a man
• Belief in Prince Charming and Happy Ever After
• Lack of voice and power
• Unsupportive environments
• Financially unstable and under funded
• Constant moving and changing home environments
• Negative peers or partners negative peers
• Physical isolation rural, no car, etc.

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Expanding Context

• Lack of education/underemployed/overworked
• Lack of positive mentors supports
• Poor / or distant relationship with mother
• Absent or abusive father
• Abandonment issues with significant care givers
• Limited social connections

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Expanding Context

• Trauma experiences
• Early childhood sexual and/or physical abuse
• Witness to domestic violence
• Battering experiences as adult by one or more
  partners
• Emotional neglect and absence of experienced
  nurturing
• Addiction
• Drugs and alcohol
• Gambling
• Internet chat rooms
• Mental health issues
• FASD
• Depression anxiety disorders
• PTSD
• Eating sleeping disorders, dissociative coping
  patterns, etc.

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Maslows Hierarchy of Needs

• Physiological health, food, sleep
• Safety shelter, removal from danger
• Belonging love, affection, being a part of
  groups (including a couple or family group)
• Esteem self-esteem and esteem from others
• Need to know and understand
• Self-actualization
• achieving individual potential.
• transcendence helping others achieve their
  potential

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Understanding a Parents context helps by

• allowing us to understand important sources of
  resistance.
• When we have a better understanding of the source
  of resistance we can
• build alliances to overcome what is troubling the
  parent.
• avoid engaging in power struggles that keeps
  people stuck.

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Push Pull

• Pushing forcing someone to act where they have
  no option but to obey.
• Based on another having authority that impacts
  the needs of the person.
• The level of threat is perceived as high and
  real.
• Pulling creating conditions that they chose
  themselves.
• showing them how something else will be
  beneficial to them.
• They decide rather than just you deciding.

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Example of pushing pulling

• Kids taken into care (push)
• Wont come home until you change (push)
• Push to comply
• Compliance for conformity sake (push)
• Seek to engage on shared understanding of safety
  (pull)
• Resist acceptance of the major theme of person is
  problem (pull)
• Externalise the problem (pull)

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Push

• Short term option.
• Creates fear
• Create the crisis in some cases
• Requires the least effort from external sources.
• Works best in situations where you just need to
  get people moving.

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Pulling

• Creates desire rather than fear
• Involves changing how the person perceives the
  world such that they want to change
• Involves learning about
• what the person wants
• how they decide what they want.

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Starting to Pull

• Where and how youve lived influences how you
  understand reality experience matters.
• The words you use can be liberating or limiting
  our reality is reflected in our language.

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Starting to Pull

• We have to have a model to move to before change
  can happen.
• stories of change help to model change.
• The stories we experienced influence our ability
  to see possibilities and have hope.
• When we shift our viewpoint within our own
  stories we see new options for alternative
  truths.

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Helpers viewpoint

• Return to your reflection and the two stories
• Has your reaction changed
• What biases might you have when working with
  these women?
• Which woman would you find easier to help?

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Lets take a break

• 10 minutes please

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Interventions
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Non-offending Parental Responses
Ambivalent Questioning Lost Unsure Frustrated Help
less Stressed Confused Distancing/ avoidant
Working With Nurturing Expressive Seeking Engaging
Collaborative
Working Against Angry Overwhelmed Defiant antisoc
ial Defensive Hopeless Rejecting / avoidant
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Resistance is not futile

• Resistive Non-offending Parents
• Have experience resisting.
• Resistance is how they have survived.
• We do what we know. Coping strategies previously
  called upon return and are sometimes amplified.
• It may not be efficient but it is better than no
  response.
• Are survivors of abuse themselves and are coping
  with PTSD
• Are often socially isolated with few positive
  supports.

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Our Role

• Reframe resistance as a rational response to a
  potentially damaging situation.
• Identify beliefs about damage
• Identify parents understanding of help
• Develop a mutual understanding of the problem.

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Our Role

• Reframe the abuse to support action by the
  non-offending parent
• Discuss how abuse happens (offence progression).
• Debunk myths about sexual abuse perpetrators and
  victims.
• Discuss how good people can do bad things
• Offenders motivation.
• Non-offending parents responses to disclosure.
• Non-offending parents choice of partner in first
  place.
• Discuss what natural consequences to abuse might
  be and why they are important.

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Understanding Trouble
Trouble Enters and settles in
Trouble Hibernates
Coping with troubles wake
Trouble shows its face
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Break out

• Brainstorm how you might help Cindy or Crystal
  define trouble in their situations?
• Brainstorm how you might externalize trouble with
  Cindy or Crystal?

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Intervention Model

• Accept and validate the non-offending parents
  story.
• Look for connections to alternative stories and
  themes
• Validate the parent as expert in their life
  story.
• Consider trouble from all perspectives
• Externalise trouble so that it can be
  considered by all involved.
• Offer alternative understandings of trouble so
  the story can be re-written with hope.
• Offer alternative understandings of how change
  happens and what change can look like.
• Focus on empowerment.

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Intervention

• Therapeutic Stories
• I know this other woman who
• Another client I know
• Listen to major themes in the presented story.
• Invite the major story.
• Invite sub-plots to be told.
• Listen for a variety of themes and dynamics to
  arise

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The Backpack Story
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Its not true Harry / George wouldnt do that

• Ask about beliefs
• Can good people do bad things? (separate person
  from the problem)
• Ask about experiences with change?
• Can people change after making big mistakes?
  (normalize change processes, educate regarding
  recidivism treatment, generate hope)

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The Miracle Question
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Engaging Motivation

• Express Empathy
• Develop Discrepancy
• Developing a dialogue exploring life with and
  without trouble
• Roll with Resistance
• Avoid power struggles Judo v. Karate
• Accept and validate the parents starting story.
• Support Self-efficacy

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Transforming Resistance

• Clarify the dominant stories
• Look for alternative stories where themes of
  action, cooperation and collaboration exist.
• Negotiate what aspects of the story needs to be
  changed and in what order.
• Find agreement.
• Create change strategies highlighted in
  alternative stories part of a more dominant story
  one of hope rather than resistance despair.
• Clarify what might need to happen for more change
  to occur on the shared goals.

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Contact Information

• Karen M. Nielsen, Ph.D. karenn_at_athabascau.ca
• Ann Marie Dewhurst, Ph.D. valerian_at_telus.net
• Valerian Consulting
• 9412 91 Street,
• Edmonton, AB
• T6C 3P4
• Phone [phone] Fax [phone]