Child Sexual Abuse: understanding the non-offending parent

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Child Sexual Abuse understanding the
non-offending parent
Robert G Tucker rgtucker_at_tiscali.co.uk
RGT Training Consultancy
Find on linkedin.com
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Disclosure

• Whenever a large number of people gather together
  there are likely to be survivors of sexual abuse
  in the room.
• Content may trigger powerful emotions. This event
  is not safe enough to discuss personal victim /
  survival issues.
• Take care of yourselves colleagues

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Have you ever ....

• been perplexed by the reactions of victims /
  survivors, mothers or other family members?
• wondered why family members have responded as
  they have?
• felt frustration at understanding or
  communicating with a non-protective parent?

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Common questions about the non-offending partner

• Did they know?
• Were they involved?
• Why didnt they know that something was happening
  to their child?
• Why did their child not tell them?
• Why do some partners not believe their childs
  allegations?

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Key Theme of Presentation

• Understanding how abusers sexually offend how
  they think behave can .
• help us make sense of the reactions of victims
  / survivors and their non-offending parents.
• offer signposts and clues in families where
  abuse is suspected
• help us think about our intervention

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What do we know?

• Offenders come from all ages backgrounds
• Majority are male
• One-third are adolescents
• Offenders are almost always someone who is known
  to the child and the family.
• 80 of children who are sexually abused do not
  inform the authorities (Grubin, 1998).
• Sexual abuse is rarely a one-off, impulsive
  incident.

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Context the Criminal Justice System

• Research suggests many convicted sex offenders
  return to live with their partners children,
  or state a wish to do so
• It also suggests many others move into new family
  situations
• (Fisher Beech 1998 Owen Steele 1991 Beech,
  Fisher Beckett 1998 Maletzky Steinhauser
  1998 Eccles Walker 1998)

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Context the civil courts

• Nationally ( internationally) 2 - 5 of
  complaints of sexual assault by children lead to
  a criminal conviction/caution
• So, most child sexual abuse is dealt with in the
  civil/child protection system
• Partners of offenders or parents of children who
  have been sexually abused are therefore placed in
  a key child protection role

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Non-abusing partners

• Sexual abuse has a high negative impact on
  non-abusing partners
• Their needs are often ignored or overlooked
• They experience overwhelming emotions and
  conflicts with child protection investigations
  which they find difficult and intrusive
• Parent-child relationships are jeopardised also
  by childs behaviour problems and parents
  exhaustion, insecurity and loss of confidence

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Non-abusing partners

• The professional community is often ambivalent in
  its approach to mothers and partners i.e. how
  could she not have known?
• Mothers often pathologised
• Mothers rather than male offenders often bear the
  brunt of interventions

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Child Sexual Abuse

• How does it happen?

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Discussion How Abuse Happens

• What motivates a person to sexually abuse a
  child?
• How does a person convince him/her self that his
  / her abuse of children is acceptable?
• How does a person create opportunities whereby
  s/he can abuse children?
• Why dont children resist a persons sexual
  advances, or tell afterwards?
• Consider the influence of gender, religion,
  culture or disability.

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Pre-conditions to Sexual Offending (the 4 steps)

• Step 1 Motivation to sexually offend
• Step 2 Overcome internal inhibitors
• Step 3 Overcome external inhibitors
• Step 4 Overcome victim resistance
• Finkelhor (1986) Child Sexual Abuse New
  Theory Research

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How Abuse Happens Step 1 What motivates a
person to sexually abuse a child?

• Emotional congruence to children
• Sexual arousal to children
• Blockage to adult relationships
• Emotional loneliness
• Need for affection, closeness, intimacy
• Belief there is no other way of obtaining this
  pleasure
• Poor impulse control or desire to impose controls
• Revenge for rejection or for own abuse
• Desire for power and control, Money

Motivation
Step 1
Motivation
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How Abuse Happens Step 2 How does a person
convince him/herself that his/her abuse of
children is acceptable?
S/hes enjoying it . It wont cause any harm
Kids like sex I have a rightWomen are
tartsDamn the consequences I wasnt getting sex
from my wife It just happened we have a special
relationship Ill only touch him, it wont hurt
her. It didnt hurt me
Step 2
Step 1
Overcoming internal inhibitors
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How Abuse Happens Step 3How does a person
create opportunities whereby s/he can abuse
children?
Grooming the non-offending parent Ill gain her
trust Make myself indispensable Help out with
childcare Make sexual play seem innocent and
normal
Step 3
Step 1
Step 2
Overcoming external inhibitor
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Grooming Disempowering others

• She wouldnt dare to try to stop me
• I encouraged her when she wanted to go out to
  work
• I encouraged her to go to Bingo
• I beat her up raped her
• I made her feel sorry for her mother me
• I was the first man to treat her kindly

• I would say - you go out Ill baby-sit
• Tell my wife she couldnt cope with him
• I would just ignore her
• She could see we were just having a laugh
• I told her that I found it easier to talk to kids

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How Abuse Happens Step 4 Why dont children
resist a persons sexual advances, or tell
afterwards?
Ill tell them its a game Ill get them used to
touch on their privates Give them lots of
attention Give them a present Frighten them
you will be taken away from mum Use force if
they say No
Step 4
Step 3
Step 1
Step 2
Overcoming victim resistance
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Grooming Tactics in Families

• Favourite/special attention
• Allow more choice than mother would allow
• Have secrets with the child
• Allow more grown up behaviour
• Loosen boundaries/allow child to set the
  boundaries
• Collude with child
• Become indifferent get child to come to them
• Create resentment in the relationship with the
  mum

• Qu - How might this be perceived or experienced
  by the non-offending parent?

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Grooming Tactics in Families

• Give treats/allow behaviour that mother would
  not, behind her back (but mother aware)
• Use family routines to create opportunities to
  offend, e.g. regular shopping trips, childrens
  homework
• Create rift between the children
• poor me they dont listen to me I don't
  have any effect when theyre naughty get mother
  to sympathise with this view

• Qu How might this be perceived or experienced
  by the non-offending parent?

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12 yr old girl
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Implanted thinking errors

• Offender says
• I love you
• You like it
• You began the game
• You could have said no
• youre special
• Your vagina is wet / penis is erect
• I wont do it again
• If you tell it will kill mum
• Tell youll be sent away
• Tell well be in trouble

• Child thinks
• This is love
• I must have asked for it
• I did, its my fault
• I could have but didnt
• This is being special
• I must have wanted it
• He did dont trust men
• It might
• Ill be sent away, Im bad
• Im as responsible as him

Consider the implications for caring for children
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Childs comments

• Question in treatment - How did dad manage to
  keep it a secret?
• He would say you have to keep it a secret. This
  game is our secret. Only you and me know. I just
  thought it was alright if dad did it. I didnt
  know it was wrong. I liked the attention.
  Sometimes I had a nice feeling when it happened.
  A tingly feeling

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Received Messages Distortions
Messages sent by non-offending parent
.
Messages sent by abuser

Distorted Messages received by nop ...............
......................
Distorted Messages received by child

abuser
Non-offending parent
child
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Wrong messages distorted beliefs Keith got from
the abuse by his mother
Messages received by the young Keith mum
touching me is a fun game sex with mum is OK /
normal I dont want the boogie man so I wont
tell I love secrets just me and mum know
great mum likes me when I do these things. Sex
being special I dont want to go into care
I wont tell I liked the feelings I must
have wanted it touching privates is a way to
feel nice. touching privates is a way of
getting attention love Cant get love except
by touching privates

• Messages sent by mum
• this is only a game
• its Ok to to play these games with mum
• anyone can do it
• if you tell the boogie man will get you
• keep it our little secret
• she would say things like youre my favourite
  son
• if you tell you will go into care

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Its coffee time !
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Working with the Non-offending partner
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Empathy Exercise

• Take 5 minutes to imagine that an allegation has
  been made against your partner or person you love
  trust totally. Would you believe it?
• What would the costs be in believing it happened?
• What are the consequences for
• your life
• your identity
• your family life

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Denial is normative

• A normal and functional defence mechanism that
  allows us to protect ourselves against something
  that is painful and distressing
• (The American Psychiatric Assoc. 1994)

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Do Partners Know? Spectrum post allegations
Knew something was going on but not that"
Offending (Independently)
"Active Collusion" - knowing CSA but convincing
self nothing going on
"Passive Collusion" - wondering, suspecting CSA
but nothing to confirm that
Didn't know anything
Co-offending Active participation (Willingly /
Under Coercion)
... which must be considered within the context
of the offender grooming her out of a position to
protect.  Ref Jenny Still
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Put the denial into context

• For many, the consequences of totally believing
  all of the allegations and the true extent of the
  abuse can have dire potential consequences.
• Only some non-abusing parents have the perfect
  child protection response remove the offender
  and totally and consistently believe and support
  the child

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Functions of Denial for NOPs

• What are the consequences of accepting that
  their partner abused their child?
• Meaning of their relationship?
• Loss of relationship
• Loss of a parent
• Fear of stigma
• Loss of self esteem
• Bad parent
• Bad sexual partner jealously, why her and not
  me?
• Loss of income, security help

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The impact of denial on professionals

• Denial can provoke an assumption that she is
  unsafe as a protecting parent
• Can give rise to suspicion that she has something
  to hide a greater awareness/involvement/collusio
  n in the abuse
• Can create hostility between NOP and the
  authorities
• Can cause tension between professionals
• Can trigger your emotions

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FACTORS TO CONSIDER IN CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE

• Risk factors associated with the perpetrator
• Risk factors for the non-offending partner
• Risk factors associated with family
• Risk factors associated with the child
• Social network risk factors
• Treatment system risk Factors

• Protective factors in non-offending partner
• Protective factors in child
• Family system protective factors
• Social network protective factors
• Treatment system protective factors

Child Sexual Abuse
Abuse-related Stress
Psychological effects of child sexual abuse
Traumagenic Dynamics
Behavioural Problems
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The Importance of the Non-offending

• Numerous empirical studies suggest that in cases
  of child sexual abuse the ability of the
  non-abusing partner to provide support following
  disclosure may be the most critical factor
  influencing the childs post-abuse psychological
  adjustment and recovery.
• (Ref Adams Tucker 1998, Conte and Schuerman
  1987 Everson et al1989 Davenport et al 1993
  Ruggiero et al 2000)

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Issues to consider when working with NOP The
Offender Jenny Still

• What kind of offender has she been on the
  receiving end of?
• What was / is the nature of her relationship with
  offender?
• Any indications of the offenders distorted
  thinking?
• Where is she on the spectrum of not knowing?
• Any evidence of co-offending?
• Current perceptions and structure of denial?

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Issues to consider when working with NOP The
child Jenny Still

• Reactions to child at the time of allegation
• Could the child tell her?
• Reactions to child post allegation?
• Feelings about the abuse to the child?
• Can recognise needs of child and provide support?
• Can she hear more?

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Issues to consider when working with NOP
Personal issues

• Ability to process integrate information
• Emotional literacy regulation
• General coping skills / deficits
• Mental health issues
• Substance misuse
• Unresolved trauma / attachment history
• Non-cooperative / oppositional history
• Parenting skills / deficits

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What are we assessing the non-offending partner
for? Jenny Still

• Risk, child protection significant harm
• Is s/he safe. Is s/he a non-offending parent?
• What, if anything needs to change?
• How can that best be achieved, empowering him/her
  for the future?
• What does s/he want or need in terms of support,
  info treatment
• Planning of resources.

Consider all this in the context of offender
knowledge. Remember - She is not the offender!

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What might she need to know? Source Jenny Still
LFF

• His excuses to offend
• His distorted thinking
• His target group(s)
• Why did he choose me / my child?
• Who did he abuse?
• The nature extent of his sexual arousal
• Grooming / manipulative tactics
• The nature and extent of the abuse
• Post-abuse grooming and manipulation

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Needs of caregivers

• Info about the impact of abuse on children
• Advice on strategies to help child with any
  trauma symptoms
• Info about sex offending dynamics links to
  offenders patterns
• Opportunity to process feelings associated with
  abuse

• Advice on boundaries, rules routines
• Advice on open communication
• Advice on re-parenting / attachment strategies
• Advice on the needs of siblings / relatives how
  to engage their support
• Advice strategies on future protection needs

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Typical Areas of Non Offending Partner Programmes

• What is sexual abuse?
• Impact on victims
• Denial
• Info on sex offenders
• How abuse happens
• Impact on partner
• How to communicate with children about abuse
• What are normal family relationships?
• My family patterns?
• Opening up family communications

• Escaping grooming
• Has offender changed?
• Are my children vulnerable?
• Building a support network
• Alert signs high risk situations
• Protective strategies
• Responding to abuse
• Contract for new family life

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Risk issues and what outcomes we are working
towards

• The partner informing the authorities as soon as
  she becomes aware of signs of abuse
• The partner co-operating with the authorities
• The partner complying with child-protection
  agreements

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Risk issues and what outcomes we are working
towards

• The partner not being fearful
• The partner no longer being dependent
• The partner no longer isolated
• The partner acknowledging that the
  abuser/suspected abuser may pose a potential risk
  to the children

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Risk issues and what outcomes we are working
towards

• The partner managing any mental health or
  alcohol/drug issues
• The partner having overcome trauma issues
• The partner maintaining reasonable objectivity
• The partner being able to problem solve
• The partner being self-assertive
• The partner demonstrating the ability/motivation
  to learn

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Risk issues and what outcomes we are working
towards

• The partner being able to explain actual or
  probable grooming process, with regard to
  offences and or allegations
• The partner engaging with impact of abuse on
  children, herself and others
• The partner identifying future signs of risk, and
  ways of responding to risk

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Recap Usual conditions when unsupervised contact
or family re-unification is allowed in UK

• Abuser is assessed as low risk
• Victim is usually not child in the family
• It is in the interest of the child for father to
  have contact
• The child wants relationship with father
• The non-abusing partner accepts there is a risk
  and is assessed as being able to reasonably
  protect children

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Discussion

• Reflect on the content of the presentation
• What issues does the presentation raise for you
  in your work?
• What questions do you have?

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Questions
Contact Rob at rgtucker_at_tiscali.co.uk Connect
with Rob at Linkedin website
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Child Sexual Abuse

• - Things to watch for

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Adult Behaviours to Watch for

• Personal Space
• Makes others uncomfortable by ignoring social,
  emotional or physical boundariesi or limits?
• Refuses to let a child set any of his or her own
  limits? Uses teasing or belittling language to
  keep a child from setting a limit?
• Insists on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling,
  wrestling with or holding a child even when the
  child does not want this contact or attention?
• Frequently walks in on children/teens in the
  bathroom?

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Adult Behaviours to Watch for

• Relationships with children
• Turns to a child for emotional or physical
  comfort by sharing personal or private infor or
  activities?
• Secret interactions with teens or children (e.g.
  games, sharing drugs, alcohol, or sexual
  material) or spends excessive time to emailing,
  text or calling children
• Insists on or manages to spend uninterrupted time
  alone with a child?
• Seems too good to be true," i.e. frequently baby
  sits different children for free takes children
  on special outings alone buys children gifts or
  gives them money for no apparent reason?
• Allows children or teens to consistently get away
  with inappropriate behaviors?

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Adult Behaviours to Watch for

• Sexual conversation or behaviour
• Frequently points out sexual images or tells
  dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?
• Exposes a child to adult sexual interactions or
  images without apparent concern?
• Is overly interested in the sexuality of a
  particular child or teen (e.g., talks repeatedly
  about the child's developing body or interferes
  with normal teen dating)?

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Warning Signs of Possible CSA

• Nightmares or sleep problems without an
  explanation
• Distracted or distant at odd times
• Sudden change in eating habits e.g. refuses to
  eat, drastic increase / loss of appetite,
  trouble swallowing.
• Sudden mood swings rage, fear, insecurity or
  withdrawal
• Leaves clues that provoke talk about sexual
  issues

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Warning Signs of Possible CSA

• Writes, draws, plays or dreams of sexual images
• Develops new or unusual fear of certain people or
  places
• Refuses to talk about secret shared with adult or
  older child
• Talks about a new older friend
• Suddenly has money, toys or other gifts without
  reason
• Thinks of self or body as repulsive, dirty or bad
• Adult-like sexual behaviors, language knowledge

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Signs for younger children

• An older child behaving like a younger child
  (such as bed-wetting or thumb sucking)
• Has new words for private body parts
• Resists removing clothes when appropriate times
  (bath, bed, toileting, diapering)
• Asks other children to behave sexually or play
  sexual games
• Mimics adult-like sexual behaviours with toys or
  stuffed animal
• Wetting and soiling accidents unrelated to toilet
  training