Dealing with Difficult People: Making Libraries Safe

1
Dealing with Difficult People Making Libraries
Safe Sane
Presented by D. A. Graham, M.A., M.Div.,
MHR Princeton University Ombuds Officer
2
Agenda

• Defining what is a difficult behavior/situation
• People are different not difficult
• Techniques for handling difficult situations
• Handling difficult and critical situations

3
Where Do Our Most Difficult Patrons Come From?
Youre Going to Hate the Answer...
4

• If you are distressed by anything external, the
  pain is not due to the thing itself but to your
  own estimate of it and this you have the power
  to revoke at any moment.
• Marcus Aurelius

5
Dealing with Difficult People

• Impact of difficult behavior
• Types of difficult behavior
• Getting results
• Keeping your balance

6
Impact on our Work

• Miscommunication
• Focus on winning rather than the issue
• Rewarding bad behavior
• Time wasted by distractions
• Residual resentment colors future dealings

7
Frogs have it easy they can eat what bugs them.
8
Impact on our Mood

• Fight or flight
• Defensiveness
• Question judgment, capability
• Feel belittled, mistreated
• Ongoing resentment

9
Anger is one letter short of DANGER!
10
Getting Results with Any Type

• Remain calm
• Focus on problem solving
• Act with confidence
• Listen
• Collaborate
• Understand their motivation

11
It takes more energy to be professional but
its worth it.

• Always Choose
• Empathy over Apathy
• Attentiveness over The Brush-off
• Warmth over Coldness
• Respect over Condescension
• Engagement over Robotism
• Flexibility over The Rulebook
• Responsiveness over The Runaround

12
We dont need to be right. No one needs to be
wrong.It is irrational to rationalize with
someone who is irrational.
13
Show respect to everyone.How do you spell
respect?
14
Lessons Learned from Motherhood

• Pick your battles
• Tantrums are no fun for anyone
• Its the behavior thats bad, not the person
• Always provide an escape hatch
• Dont run with scissors

15
He who throws mud loses ground.
16
Recognizing trigger points and land
mines...What are some signs we need to look out
for?
17
Body language! 65 of what you communicate is
non-verbal! The percentage increases as emotions
rise.

• When emotions are hot, what you do is much more
  important then what you say.

18
Master These Essential Non-verbal Tools for
Communicating with the 10

• Maintain the universal safe-distance range.
• Posture, and angle triangulate!
• Keep calm facile expressions and voice.
• Use a barrier or carry one with you.
• Maintain calm, slow, controlled gestures and
  movements.

19
The Dictator

• Intimidating, aggressive
• Demanding and critical
• Arbitrary
• Arrogant
• Values a high level of self-confidence and
  assertiveness

20
Coping with a Dictator

• Stand up to him without fighting
• State your opinion
• Remain calm and focused

21
The Complainer

• Finds fault with everything
• Negative and nit-picking
• Accusatory
• Self-fulfilling cycle of passivity, blame, and
  powerlessness
• Some of the complaints may be legitimate

22
Coping with a Complainer

• Focus on problem solving
• Listen attentively
• Identify specifics
• Dont simply dismiss
• Dont accept blame or make excuses
• Ask for solutions

23
If you must cry over spilled milk, then please
try to condense it!
24
The Passive

• Avoids conflict and risk
• Non-committal
• Unresponsive

25
Coping with a Passive

• Ask open-ended questions
• Dont rush to fill silences
• Remain friendly and approachable
• Offer observations

26
Sit on the fence long enough and the parade will
pass you by
27
The Yes-Person

• Sociable, outgoing
• Attentive
• Agreeable
• Quick to commit
• Rarely delivers

28
Coping with a Yes-Person

• Make honesty non-threatening
• Leave wiggle-room
• Recap agreement
• Get it in writing

29
The Pessimist

• Negative
• Lacking in trust
• Feels powerless
• Resistant to change
• Harmful to morale

30
Coping with a Pessimist

• Be confident and optimistic
• Dont argue
• Allow role of devils advocate
• Ask for specifics rather than generalizations

31
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get
your way.
32
The Know-it-all

• Expert on everything
• Tone of absolute certainty
• Can be condescending and pompous
• Values facts and logic
• Seeks respect
• Frequently right

33
Coping with a Know-it-all

• Consider alternatives
• Avoid direct challenges to expertise
• Present accurate and complete information
• Separate the issues
• Listen
• Question with confidence
• Dont compete

34
No one knows less than the person who knows it
all!
35
Tips for Dealing with Non-Productive Behaviors

• Non-Productive Behavior Manager Goal
• Arguing Help to consider other ideas.
• Withdrawing Persuade to become involved
• and to contribute.
• Aggression Persuade to become involved
• and to contribute.
• Complaining Shift to problem solving.

36
Tips for Dealing with Non-Productive Behaviors

• Non-Productive Behavior Manager Goal
• Zapping Focus on the possibilities.
• Talking Persuade to be quiet.
• Attention-Seeking Shift focus to task at hand.
• Arrogance Open mind to group task or
• to new information.

37
Reality Practice Responses to Non-Productive
Behaviors
38
Keeping your Balance

• Humour
• Perspective
• Awareness
• Calm

39

• If you break your neck, if you have nothing to
  eat, if your house is on fire, then you got a
  problem.  Everything else is inconvenience. 
• Robert Fulghum

40
Perspective

• Whats the big deal?
• Is the reaction proportional to the issue?
• Whats the problem?
• Immediate issue
• Long-term issue
• Who is this about?
• Whats my responsibility?
• What isnt my responsibility?

41
Keeping your Balance

• Humour
• Perspective
• Awareness
• Know your triggers
• Recognize your defensive mechanisms
• Dont personalize

42

• If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
  Then quit. There's no point in being a
• damn fool about it.
• W. C. Fields

43
Keeping your Balance

• Humour
• Perspective
• Self-Awareness
• Calm

44

• Silence is one of the hardest arguments to
  refute.
• Josh Billings

45
Getting through a Confrontation

• If person is frustrated but not (yet) angry
• Do
• Listen and paraphrase
• Acknowledge feelings
• Identify specific actions to reach solution
• Dont
• Patronize
• Overwhelm
• Accept responsibility except where appropriate

46

• Why Do People Yell?
• What gets them to stop?
• Think in terms of text and subtext.
• What does the yelling communicate?

47
Remember the Conversational Sequence...

• I understand that this is important to you...
• Let me make sure I understand what youre
  telling me...
• Youre (fill in the emotion) because...
• Is that right?

48
...Avoid the Phrase of Doom!

• Never ever, ever, ever, tell anyone to CALM DOWN!

49
...finish with the Formula for Compliance
Current behavior consequencesNew behavior
benefits
50
Physical Confrontation - Get Away!

• Before it happens - little steps are often the
  fastest way out.
• Dont let someone grab you or hold you.

51
Getting through a Confrontation

• If person is angry or hostile
• Do
• Acknowledge feelings
• Keep the discussion on topic
• Stay focused on resolution
• Dont
• Rise to the bait
• Make excuses or long explanations

52
Getting through a Confrontation

• If the person is abusive and unreasonable
• Do
• State the rules
• State the limits
• Be clear and concise
• Call for backup and/or remove yourself
• Dont
• Run with scissors

53
You cant direct the wind, but you can adjust
your sails.
54
Dealing with Difficult People

• Any questions or comments?