From the brains of teens:

1
From the brains of teens

• Some funny things to read while you wait for this
  to begin.

2
Every year, English teachers from across the
country submit their collections of actual
analogies and metaphors found in high school
essays. These excerpts are published each year to
the amusement of teachers across the country.
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His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and
breaking alliances likeunderpants in a dryer
without Cling Free.
4
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli,
and he wasroom-temperature Canadian beef.
5
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that
sound a dog makesjust before it throws up.
6
The little boat gently drifted across the pond
exactly the way abowling ball wouldn't
7
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement
like a Hefty bagfilled with vegetable soup.
8
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair
after a sneeze.
9
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just
like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
10
John and Mary had never met. They were like two
hummingbirds whohad also never met.
11
He fell for her like his heart was a mob
informant and she was the East River.
12
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like
a steel trap, onlyone that had been left out so
long, it had rusted shut.
13
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
14
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical
lame duck, either,but a real duck that was
actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.
15
The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and
extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog
at a fire hydrant.
16
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought
he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck
backing up.
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You might have spent too long in classroom

• Some ideas from Jeff Foxworthy

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...if you believe the playground should be
equipped with a Ritalin salt lick
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if you want to slap the next person who says,
"Must be nice to work 8 to 330 and have summers
off
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..if it is difficult to name your own child
because there's no name you can come up with that
doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered
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...if you can tell it's a full moon or if it
going to rain, snow, hail....anything!!! Without
ever looking outside
22
...if you believe, "shallow gene pool" should
have its own box on a report card!
23
...if when out in public, you feel the urge to
snap your fingers at children you do not know and
correct their behavior
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...if you think caffeine should be available in
intravenous form
25
...if meeting a child's parent instantly answers
the question, "Why is this kid like this?"
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OR

• If any of these made you laugh!

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The art of the insult

• Take that!

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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept
the stork."

• -- Mae West

29
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison
your coffee!"

• --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner
  party

30
"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink
it!"

• -- Winston Churchill, in response

31
"He is not only dull himself he is the cause of
dullness in others."

• -- Samuel Johnson

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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

• -- John Bright

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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by
his friends."

• -- Oscar Wilde

34
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
letter saying I approved of it."

• -- Mark Twain

35
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure."

• -- Clarence Darrow