Conflict Resolution

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Conflict Resolution
Harlan Kilmon
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Workshop Learning Objectives

• Be better able to recognize how anger affects
  your body, your minds and your behavior.
• Be better able to use the five-step method to
  break old patterns and replace them with a model
  for assertive conflict-resolution.
• Be better able to control your own emotions when
  faced with other peoples anger.
• Be better able to identify ways to help other
  people safely manage some of their repressed or
  expressed emotions..

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Understanding Our Reactions to Conflict
Think of conflict-related stress as five
interrelated dimensions, all operating
simultaneously. These dimensions are

• Our thoughts when we are faced with conflict.
• The emotions that conflict arouses.
• The ways we act out when were upset.
• How we experience the world when we are upset.
• How we act when we are upset.

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Stress and Anger
Take a moment to image your reaction if someone
bumps into you in these different situations

• a stuffy crowded department store at Christmas
  time
• a lively, noisy party
• a bus queue on a bitterly cold day
• a queue for the beach bar on some tropical island
• a corridor at work
• a store being evacuated because of a bomb scare

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Our Responses to Conflict-Related Stress

• Our physical reactions when we are upset
• Our emotions when we are upset
• Our behavior when we are upset

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Long term effect of all these tensions in our
body

• cause or exacerbate digestive disorders such
  ulcers
• create hypertension/high blood pressure
• raise cholesterol levels
• damage and block our arteries
• aggravate bowel disease

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Long term effect of all these tensions in our
body

• increase our susceptibility to infection
• intensify pain
• create headaches and sinus conditions
• contribute to inflammatory conditions
• hinder our recovery from major traumas such as
  operations or serious illnesses

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Anger Affects Our Thinking

• When might anger be an appropriate response to
  conflict?
• When would anger be an inappropriate response?
• To help you determine whether anger is your best
  response, ask yourself Is my anger helping me or
  hurting me?

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Ways our thinking gets distorted

• Magnifying
• Destructive labeling
• Imperative thinking
• Mind reading

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Interventions We Can Use to Manage Conflict

• Identifying provocations
• Alternative explanations
• Combating distortions
• Clarifying expectations
• Mental rehearsal

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Communication Skills
When you are stating feelings, make your
statements descriptions rather than judgments

• 1. State feelings, not evaluations.
• 2. State feelings, not solutions.
• 3. State feelings directly.

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To improve your listening skills, use the three
steps of Active Listening

• Non-Verbal Messages eye contact, flat to the
  face shoulders, an alert expression, head
  nodding, and a forward lean to the body expresses
  listening.
• 2. Cues or Invitations these are the phrases
  like uh-huh, O.K., Yes, go on, etc. that signal
  our attention and invite an individual to
  continue talking.

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3. Clarification of what has been said We can
do this in one of several waysby asking
questions, summarizing what has been said, or
paraphrasing the message in your own words.
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Ask Questions to Clarify Understanding

• What do you think we can do about this?
• What would you like me to stop doing?
• Would it be helpful if I?
• Supposing we were to?

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Ask Questions to Clarify Understanding

• Help me understand where youre coming from?
• Lets set a time when we can talk about the
  changes were both prepared to make.
• Im prepared to Would that ease the situation?

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Positive Affect
What can you do as an individual to make positive
affect work for you? Try these recommendations

• 1. Keep yourself in a positive mood.
• 2. Induce positive affect in others.
• 3. Find everyday uppers.
• 4. Offer help whenever you can.
• 5. Be kind.

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When Discussions Degenerate Into Conflict
When you are discussing some issue with another
person and it begins to get out of control, try
these suggestions when the other person is
talking

• Blend visibly and audibly
• Backtrack or echo some of their own words
• Clarify their meaning, intent and criteria
• Summarize what youve heard.
• Confirm to find out if you got it right.

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Your action plan for angry, aggressive people
should include

• Hold your ground, and use deep breathing to stay
  calm
• Interrupt the attack, by repeating their name
  several times.
• Quickly backtrack or echo their main point to
  show them you have been respectfully listening
• Aim for the bottom line by taking ownership and
  expressing the situation from your point of view.

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Other important points to keep in mind when you
are dealing with difficult people.

• No one cooperates with anyone who seems to be
  against them. In human relations there is no
  middle ground. Unconsciously people want to
  know, Are you with me or against me? Thats one
  of the things you have in common with your
  difficult people.
• Express your truth in a way that builds someone
  up rather than tears them down. Show them how
  their behavior is self-defeating. Suggest new
  behaviors or options.

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Assertiveness Model
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Strategies for Preventing Trash-bagging

• Break the Tension
• Try a 10 second massage
• Change your posture
• Reach out, by extending your arms and legs
• Close your eyes for a few seconds and shut out
  the pressure

• Manage Your Response
• Speak more slowly
• Get yourself a drink of water
• Lean back
• Keep your hands at your sides
• Quiet yourself

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Steps for Dealing with Upset People

• 1. Be glad when a person shares with you their
  feelings of discontent. It implies the person
  still has confidence in your interest in the
  problem and your ability to do something about
  it.
• 2. Think of the situation as an opportunity to
  shine.
• 3. Dont take it personally, or become defensive.
• 4. Show genuine care and concern.
• 5. Listen

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Steps for Dealing with Upset People

• 6. Let the complaining person vent. Dont
  interrupt with defensiveness.
• 7. Politely interrupt the confused
  client/colleague and offer guidance.
• 8. Apologize assertively when you have made a
  mistake.
• 9. Express empathy, if it is genuine.
• 10. If the upset person is a client, take notes
  about the situation.

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Steps for Dealing with Upset People

• 11. Tell the upset person what you can do, what
  they can do, then what we will do.
• 12. Try to find a solution you can both agree on.
• Thank the person for sharing his or her concern.
• Follow up later, when appropriate.
• 15. Phrase your comments positively.

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• Steps for Dealing with Difficult People
• Maintain a friendly and professional attitude
• Acknowledge that a difficult situation exists.
• Calm the person by questioning and verifying
  that you understand
• Focus the person on the problem.
• Handle the problem.

• Steps for Dealing with Angry People
• Listen closely so you will understand the problem
• Ask questions.
• Apologize
• Stay calm and dont take their anger personally.
• Remain courteous.
• Propose an action plan then follow-through!

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Surviving Stress When You Cant Get Away

• 1. Muscle tension and relaxation
• 2. Deep breathing and concentration
• 3. Humor
• 4. Music or Exercise
• 5. Visualization vacations
• 6. Venting in a Safe Haven

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Coping with Criticism

• Three Steps for Coping with Criticism
• Step 1
• Listen attentively
• Make sure you understand the Criticism
• You may even paraphrase the other persons
  remarks

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• Step 2Ask for details find out as much as you
  can about the incident(s) described.
• Ask a series of questions such as
• Who was involved?
• What happened?
• When did it happen?
• Where did it happen?
• How did it affect you?
• Why do you feel it was improper?

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Step 3 Find something to agree with. You dont
need to admit you were wrong but it doesnt hurt
if you really were. More important, you need
to acknowledge the persons right to criticize
and to recognize the importance of the persons
concerns.
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Facing an Angry Outburst

• Use positive self-talk
• Check your body language
• Acknowledge the other persons feelings
• Share your own feelings
• Make a conciliatory gesture
• Express your own needs and wants calmly and
  persistently
• Use self-protective techniques to block criticism

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De-Stress Options You Can Use Right Now!

• Belly Breathing - Loosen your clothes, close your
  eyes, mentally relax your body, and taken ten or
  more deep breaths.
• Visualize Use positive imagery to boost your
  confidence and enhance your visible performance

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• Music Music has the power to soothe, or to give
  us energy. It actually has healing power.
• Acupressure and Massage hold a fingertip to the
  point of most pain or tension and press hard into
  the muscle can avert a headache or relieve
  tension.
• Laughter laugher is the best medicine of all

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Personal Action Plan

• 1. My current Conflict Management skills are
  effective in the following areas
• 2. I need to improve my Conflict Management
  skills in the following areas
• 3. My Conflict Management skills improvement
  goals are as follows (Be sure goals are
  specific, attainable and measurable.)

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• 4. These are my action steps and timetable to
  accomplish my goals Steps to be taken Target
  date for completion Time required
• 5. These people and resources can help me
  accomplish my goals