CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE FOR PARENTS

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE FOR PARENTS

• Conscious Discipline Moments are designed to help
  parents become more familiar with the Conscious
  Discipline Program that has been implemented at
  Draper Elementary School.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 1

• The brain works best when the child feels
  safe. Somewhere along the way, we got the idea
  that in order for children to behave, they must
  be threatened or made to feel bad. However,
  research tells us that just isnt the case. In
  fact, the more threatened the child feels, the
  worse his behavior will become, especially in the
  long-term. In order for children to learn or to
  make good choices they must feel safe so that
  they can access the parts of their brain that can
  reason and make decisions. Threats and fear
  cause both children and adults to act from the
  lower centers of their brain which are survival
  oriented and impulsive. For this reason it is
  very important to create an environment of safety
  with young children. Change your job description
  and become a safe keeper. Instead of thinking,
  Its my job to make these children behave, say
  to them every day Its my job to keep you safe
  and your job to help me keep it that way.
  Instead of saying to a child, You better get
  over here before someone grabs you, say Hold my
  hand so I can keep you safe. Instead of Quit
  jumping on the bed before you break your neck
  say Jumping on the bed isnt safe. Its my job
  to keep you safe and your job to help me. Lets
  go find somewhere else to jump that would be
  safer. This puts you and the child on the same
  team and it can stop many power struggles before
  they even start!

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 2

• What you focus on, you get more of! How many
  times do you tell your child what not to do, to
  Stop doing something only to watch them smile
  and do that very thing. While very frustrating
  for parents, this is actually a result of the way
  we communicated with the child. Young children
  cant distinguish between negative commands and
  what they should do instead. For example, if you
  say, Dont run! your four-year old childs
  brain hears Run! To clearly communicate our
  expectations to young children we must first ask
  ourselves, What do I want this child to do? and
  then communicate it positively. So, instead of
  saying Dont run we would say Walk beside me.
  Instead of Dont hit say Touch her gently
  like this and demonstrate an appropriate touch.
  If we focus on the undesirable behaviors, we will
  see more of them because children cant make the
  shift from what not to do to what they should do
  instead. We must do it for them and place our
  focus on the behaviors we want to see more of!
  Where is your focus today?

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 3

• We are all in this together. Just think
  about that for a minute. Sometimes we can feel
  so alone as if we exist on a deserted island,
  even when we are surrounded by people that we
  know and love. When you feel this way, are you
  on your best behavior? Of course not, because
  you are too caught up in negative feelings to
  think about how you are impacting others. This
  is true for children as well. Focusing on the
  connectedness that we all share is a huge part of
  building cooperation and caring in children. The
  motivation to cooperate comes from relationships,
  not rules. Everyone feels a need to belong.
  This is true for both children and adults whether
  its at home, at work, or at school. Adults must
  proactively plan activities with young children
  to build bonds and strengthen relationships. One
  way to do this is through caring rituals.
  Whether its playing a game of patty cake with an
  infant, reading stories with a preschooler, or
  chatting about the events of the day with a
  school-age child, nightly rituals show that you
  care and that they are worth being cared for.
  When you struggle with challenging behaviors in a
  child, choose to see the behaviors as calls for
  help or love. Thats what they are! Rather than
  focusing on what you can do to the child to try
  to get him to behave, think about things you can
  do with him to strengthen your relationship.
  Sure, there is a place for consequences but
  reaching out with love will be far more effective
  in making a lasting change for the better.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 4

• Empower children by offering two positive
  choices. The next time you need a child to do
  something, motivate them to comply by offering
  two positive choices. Choices are a wonderful
  way to allow children to have some control over
  their lives while maintaining structure and
  making your expectations clear. This is also
  hugely important for the development of
  responsibility. In order to learn to be
  responsible, children must have had many
  opportunities to make decisions and follow
  through with the results. For example, if its
  time to clean up, you might say to the child,
  Jenny, its time to clean up. You may clean up
  the blocks or the dolls first. Which is best for
  you? Or, if a child needs to take medicine, you
  might say, Michael, its time to take your
  medicine. You can take it from a dropper or a
  cup. What works for you? The choice isnt
  about whether or even when to clean up or take
  the medicine. Thats established by the adult.
  The childs choice is really just in how he or
  she will meet the adults expectation. No one
  wants to feel like someone else is in complete
  control of their life and its the same for
  children. Offering positive choices reduces
  power struggles because children feel that they
  are able to make some decisions for themselves.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 5

• See the best in others. This is the motto
  for the Conscious Discipline skill of positive
  intent which is based on the power of love. Love
  looks for the best in people and situations. It
  reminds us that it is possible to look at the
  world differently than through the negative,
  critical eyes of our society. The choice is ours.
  
• Positive intent is the skill to use when
  children make poor choices or act out
  aggressively. The adult just has to look for the
  reason why the child acted in that way. What was
  he trying to accomplish or communicate with the
  behavior? For example, if one young child hits
  another to get a toy, the adults involved have
  two choices. They can see the aggressor as mean
  and in need of punishment or as needing to learn
  a more acceptable way to communicate. It is our
  job to teach that more appropriate way.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 5 (CONTINUED)

• Using the skill of positive intent, we can
  teach the child who hit to get a toy a better way
  by saying, Jimmy, you wanted a turn with the
  truck so you hit Johnny. You didnt know the
  words to use. You may not hit. Hitting hurts.
  When you want a turn, say May I have a turn
  please? Say it now for practice. Then have the
  child say it back to you. This strategy can be
  tweaked for any situation when the childs
  behavior was undesirable. You just have to choose
  to look for their positive intent. Choosing to
  see the best in the child creates a teaching
  moment by transforming resistance into
  cooperation. Choosing to see the worst always
  creates more negative behavior because when
  children are repeatedly seen as bad or mean,
  thats exactly what they give us.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 6

• The moment is as it is. How often in life do
  we resist the moment by saying, It shouldnt be
  like this or That shouldnt have happened.
  Adults frequently do this when children behave in
  undesirable ways by saying such things as We
  dont run in the house or Should your feet be
  on the table when in fact, the undesirable thing
  has just happened. Change can only occur when we
  accept what is.
• One of the major ways we resist the moment
  with children is by devaluing their feelings.
  They may be angry over the loss of a toy (though
  its only temporarily to a friend) or hurting
  because of a boo-boo that we cant even see.
  We very often tell them that they shouldnt feel
  the way they feel by saying things like just
  calm down or dont be silly. If we accept the
  moment and their feelings, we can offer empathy
  which will help children learn to name and tame
  their own emotions as they mature.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 6 (CONTINUED)

• Empathy is understanding anothers feelings
  however, it doesnt change the limits on
  behavior. Understanding a childs anger or
  sadness doesnt mean that he or she gets their
  way. Only that someone understands them and we
  all want to be understood. The adults task when
  children are upset is not to happy them up but to
  teach them how different emotions feel and that
  they can handle them. We will all face sadness,
  frustration, disappointment, and anger in our
  lives. Children must be taught how to
  appropriately handle these emotions. We do this
  by acting as a mirror, reflecting the childs
  feelings back to her to increase awareness. When
  a child stomps her foot and pouts when things
  dont go her way, we can say You seem angry.
  Something must have happened. When a child
  cries because she left her favorite stuffed
  animal at a friends house, we can say You seem
  sad. You really miss your doggie. Then we can
  leave them to process their feelings and
  recompose themselves using strategies we have
  taught them for doing so.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 7

• Mistakes are opportunities to learn.
  Everyone makes mistakes! The word mistake can
  also be used to refer to any situation in which a
  child makes a poor choice. Framing childrens
  misbehavior in this way opens the door for
  effective consequences that teach a better way
  rather than just punishing the child. Decades of
  research have shown that traditional punishment
  and reward systems do not teach children
  appropriate behaviors or create self-control and
  may in fact have a negative impact on
  development. Consequences motivate children to
  use skills that they have already learned but
  they do not teach new skills. For example, if
  you were threatened with a prison sentence if you
  were unable to perform a successful heart
  surgery, would that help you successfully perform
  the surgery? For the vast majority of us (except
  for trained heart surgeons), the answer is a
  resounding no! Nor would the offer of a million
  dollars to do the surgery correctly help you do
  it because you do not know how. Before a
  consequence or reward can work to motivate a
  child to make appropriate choices, the child must
  know what the more appropriate choice would be
  and must be able to actually do it.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE MOMENT 7 (CONTINUED)

• If a three-year-old child hits a sibling
  because she wants the toy that he has, a
  consequence alone will not teach the child what
  to do instead of hitting when she wants the toy.
  The child must first have the verbal skills to
  communicate her desires and she must know to say,
  May I have a turn please when she wants a turn
  with a toy and then have the impulse control and
  patience to wait for her turn after asking. It
  takes a lot of repeated teaching on the parents
  part in order for the child to master this skill.
  Once the adult knows the child has the skills
  (i.e. you have seen her use them), when she
  chooses not to use them a logical consequence
  such as not getting a turn with the toy or having
  to be separated from the sibling for a while can
  motivate the child to ask and wait for a turn the
  next time instead of hitting. If your child
  seems to be repeatedly making the same poor
  choices, chances are you need to focus more on
  teaching the appropriate skill than punishing the
  inappropriate one. When children see the
  connection between their behavior and the result
  of that behavior, learning occurs.

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CONSCIOUS DISCIPLINE

• Conscious Discipline is copy written by Dr.
  Becky Bailey and Loving Guidance, Inc.
• For more information on Conscious Discipline
  visit www.consciousdiscipline.com