Introduction to Non-Violent Communication

1
Introduction to Non-Violent Communication

• Rosenberg M B (2003) NVC A Language for Life.
  Encintas, CA PuddleDancer

2
Marshall Rosenberg

• Influenced by

Carl Rogers
Abraham Maslow
3
NVC and Humanism

• NVC is founded on language and communication
  skills that strengthen our ability to remain
  human, even under trying conditions. (Rosenberg
  2003 p.3)
• NVC guides us in reframing how we express
  ourselves and hear others..we are led to
  express ourselves with honesty and clarity,
  whilst simultaneously paying others a respectful
  and empathetic attention. (ibid p.3)

4
What it is

• A way of dealing with conflict without the use of
  force, discipline or punishment
• Constructive, rather than destructive
• Non-judgemental and non-blaming
• Considers needs of self and others
• Encourages empathy and co-operation

5
What its not

• Passive
• Turning the other cheek
• Having a laissez-faire attitude

6
The four-step process part 1

• What do I observe with no judgement or
  criticism
• What am I feeling hurt, scared, joyful, amused
• What needs do I have in relation to the
  feelings identified
• What requests can I make in practicable
  language and not as a demand

7
Example

• When I see dirty socks under the coffee table
• I feel irritated
• because I need more order in the rooms we share
• Would you be willing to put your socks in the
  washing machine

8
NVC Skills to Develop

1. Differentiating observation from evaluation,
   being able to carefully observe what is happening
   free of evaluation
2. Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able
   to identify and express internal feeling states
   in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism,
   or blame/punishment
3. Connecting with the universal human needs/values
   (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us
   that are being met or not met in relation to what
   is happening and how we are feeling
4. Requesting what we would like in a way that
   clearly and specifically states what we do want
   (rather than what we dont want), and that is
   truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting
   to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt,
   shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of
   willingness and compassionate giving).
5. These skills emphasize personal responsibility
   for our actions and the choices we make when we
   respond to others, as well as how to contribute
   to relationships based in cooperation and
   collaboration.

9
Blaming or explaining feelings

• I feel I am being cheated - is an evaluation of
  others rather than how it is making you feel ie
  angry, anxious, fearful
• If you say when you said that you really hurt
  me this places blame
• Instead explain your feelings - when I heard you
  say those words I felt hurt because I

10
Blaming or expressing needs

• Placing blame Im sad because you are going out
  tonight
• Expressing needs Im sad because I need some
  company and I shall be alone tonight.

11
Making a request

• Explain what you would like the other person to
  do
• Not as a demand I want you to
• But as a request - would you be willing to

12
The four-step process part 2

• Receiving this message from others
• We connect with another by sensing what they are
  1) observing, 2) feeling and 3) needing
• 4) Listening to their request to discover what
  would enrich their lives
• This flow of communication can go back and forth
  encouraging empathy and co-operation

13
NVC as a a state of mind

• When we use this model, we may begin either by
  expressing ourselves or by empathically receiving
  these four pieces of information from others.
• It is important to keep in mind that NVC does not
  consist of a set formula, but adapts to various
  situations as well as personal and cultural
  styles.
• While NVC is often referred to as a process or
  language, it is possible to express all four
  pieces of the model without uttering a single
  word.
• The essence of NVC is to be found in our
  consciousness of these four components, not in
  the actual words that are exchanged.

14
Activity

• See Activity Sheet
• Do role play activity in groups of 4
• As a large group discuss the pros and cons of
  using role play as a technique
• What did you learn from this role play on NVC?