Couples Communication

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Couples Communication
He said/She said
STRENGTHEN YOUR MARRIAGE
Ch Dave Wilshek
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Communication Is A Process

• Talking
• Listening
• Understanding
• Key Problem - Being Understood Understanding

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6 Messages Can Come From One Message

• What you mean to say
• What you actually say
• What the other person hears
• What the other person thinks he hears
• What the other person said about what you said
• What you think the other person said about what
  you said

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Reasons For Not Communicating

• Havent learned how to share openly with another
  person
• Being afraid to express their feelings or
  thoughts for fear of rejection or hurt
• An attitude that talking wont help, so why
  bother?
• Some people dont believe that they as a person
  have anything to offer

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The Five Levels Of Communication- by John
Powell, Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am.

• Powells five levels of communication are
• Level Five Cliché Communication - no personal
  sharing.
• Level Four Reporting the facts about others -
  Facts without feelings
• Level Three My Idea and Judgments - Person
  begins to express feelings and ideas.
• Level Two My Feelings and Emotions - Person
  shares how he feels about facts, ideas and
  judgments.
• Level One Complete Emotional and Personal
  Truthful Communication Marriage must be based
  on absolute openness and honesty.

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Anger and Communication

• Anger is one of the main causes of the breakdown
  of communication in marriage.
• What is Anger? Heres a definition
• a strong emotion of displeasure.
• the natural reflexive result of frustration.

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How To Respond to Anger

• How do you react when youre angry at your
  spouse?
• What choices do you have to anger?
• Suppress - You build a fence around it.
• Express - Get it off your chest. Work in the
  yard. Go for a long walk.
• Repress - Refusing to accept the fact of your
  anger. Its unhealthy and may lead to illness or
  comes out in other ways.
• Confess - Recognizing you are angry and stating
  the fact before you lose control.

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Unhealthy Reactions To Anger

• Ignore your feelings
• Keep your anger inside
• Keep saying... Im not angry.
• Remember the argument and try to get back at your
  spouse
• Blame your spouse
• Dont learn from your emotions, i.e.. Keep
  repeating harmful ways of communicating

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Healthy Reactions to Anger

• Be aware of your emotions
• Dont be afraid to admit your emotion
• Learn how the emotion got there
• Share your emotion with your spouse
• Decide what to do with your emotion

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Positive Ways to Handle Anger

• Be aware of your emotional reactions
• Recognize your emotions and admit your feelings
• Try to understand why you have anger
• Can you create other situations where anger wont
  happen?
• Is anger the best response? Is there a better
  way to express yourself?

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Positive Ways to Handle Anger

• Does your anger rise too soon? If so, try to
  slow down and count to ten
• You may have a time when your anger is
  legitimate. If so, use timing and tact to
  express your feelings
• Are you critical of others? Is your critical
  attitude merely anger?
• Find a friend you trust and talk about it or see
  a counselor
• Ask for Gods help with your anger

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Problem Solving As A Couple

• Focus on the solution rather than the problem
• Think in terms of possible solutions
• Actively work on solutions
• Accept what cant be changed
• Keep your values straight
• Live one day at a time

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How To Cope With Conflict

• Dont avoid conflict with the Silent Treatment
• Dont save emotional trading stamps. i.e..
  waiting to get even later, bringing up the past
• If possible, find the best time and place to
  discuss without interruption
• Attack the problem, not each other
• a. Back up words with facts
• b. Remember to forget
• c. No comments about in-laws or relatives
• d. No comment about your spouses appearance
• e. No dramatics

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How To Cope With Conflict

• Dont throw your feelings at your spouse
• Stay on the subject
• Offer solutions with your criticisms
• Never say, You Never or You Always. Watch
  your volume and dont exaggerate
• Dont manipulate your mate with, Its all my
  fault.
• When youre wrong, admit it When your right,
  keep silent

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Communicate To Build Self-Esteem

• Make it safe to communicate -
• a. Look at the positive side of openness
• b. Take initiative, take the first step
• c. Dont use openness as a tool of attack
• d. Be honest about yourself to others
• e. Both parties must play by the same rules
• Seek to understand, not to be understood
• Dont assume you know - ask

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Communicate To Build Self-Esteem

• Listen - dont interrupt
• Dont nag
• Dont jump to conclusions
• Disagree? Yes. Disrespect? NO!
• Deal in potential - not the past
• Dont force your spouse to be your carbon copy
• Pray for one another

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Listening

• Listening means that when your spouse is talking
  to you, you are not thinking about what you are
  going to say when he or she stops talking
• Listening is completely accepting what is being
  said without judging of what is said or how it is
  said
• Listening is being able to repeat back to your
  spouse what he/she said and what he/she was
  feeling

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Three Components of Communication

• The Content - 7
• The Tone of Voice - 38
• The Nonverbal Communication - 55

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Obstacles to Listening

• Defensiveness
• a. Premature conclusion
• b. Read into their statements
• c. Rehearse our responses
• d. Respond to Gun-Powder words - i.e.. - you
  always you never youre just like

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Obstacles to Listening

• Attitudes or Biases
• a. Certain tone of voice
• b. Ethnic groups
• c. The opposite sex
• d. People who remind us of someone from the past

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Obstacles to Listening

• Our own inner struggles
• Interrupting
• Timing
• Overload
• Mental/Physical fatigue
• Selective attention/ filtered listening

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Steps To Better Listening

• Understand what you feel about your spouse
• Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your body
• Clarify - I think....
• Observe - Focus on body language and tone of
  voice
• Reflective Listening - Look/listen for emotions
  expressed
• Inquire - Drawing out more information
• Be patient - Especially if your spouse is a slow
  or hesitant talker

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Real Reasons To Change

• We seek renewal - Return to good times
• We want more - Building up our self-esteem
• We need variety - Being loved and built up in
  new ways
• We want to be seen in a different light - Being
  appreciated in all areas of life

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How To Change

• Work as a team - share ideas and information
• Start out slowly
• Intimacy - openness and honesty, sincerity and
  trust
• Understand how your spouse sees him/herself to
  what their self-esteem is built on
• Present ideas in ways that build your spouses
  self-esteem
• Consider your own willingness to change
• Reinforce and encourage your spouse
• Be persistent and patient