Crucial Conversations Parts I and II

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Crucial ConversationsParts I and II

• Nancy G. Dodd
• University Ombuds
• July 7, 2009
• August 6, 2009

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What We Will Do Today and Next Month

• Define Crucial Conversations and how we usually
  deal with them
• Learn the steps to take for a successful crucial
  conversation
• Learn your Style Under Stress
• Learn how to put things into action

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Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

• Crucial Conversations Tools for talking when
  stakes are high, by Kerry Patterson, Joseph
  Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler. McGraw-Hill,
  2002.

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What I Hope You Will Take Away

• A way to think about the conversations that
  affect your life
• Understanding of your response style
• Clues about and techniques for having a
  successful conversation about tough issues

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Definition of a Crucial Conversation

• A discussion between two or more people when
• stakes are high,
• opinions vary, and
• emotions run strong

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What We Can Do in Crucial Conversations

• Avoid them
• Face them and handle them poorly
• Face them and handle them well

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Some Common Crucial Conversation Issues

• At work
• A coworker who behaves offensively
• Giving feedback to the boss
• A colleagues work performance
• A team member who isnt keeping commitments
• An unfavorable performance review
• A coworker with a personal hygiene problem

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Some Common Crucial Conversation Issues

• At home
• Ending a relationship
• Asking a friend to repay a loan
• Resolving custody or visitation issues with an
  ex-spouse
• Dealing with a rebellious teen
• Confronting a loved one about a substance abuse
  problem

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Pool of Shared Meaning

• Get information out in the open
• Create a dialogue
• Dont debate, stay silent, or run away
• Contribute your information
• Create favorable conditions and stay in dialogue

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Tools to Be Covered

• Start with Heart
• Learn to Look
• Make it Safe
• Master My Stories
• STATE My Path
• Explore Others Paths
• Move to Action

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Start With Heart

• How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want

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Think About

• What you really want for yourself
• What you really want for others
• What you really want for the relationship

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Then Ask Yourself

• How would I behave if I really wanted these
  results?

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Get Away From the Win/Lose Choice

• I really want Pat to let me learn how to do some
  of the more important activities of the
  department.
• I really dont want to get a lecture about how
  busy she is and how it is easier for her to do
  things herself.

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Combine Into An And

• I really want to learn how to do the more
  important activities of the department without
  getting a lecture about how it is faster for Pat
  to do things herself.

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Learn To Look

• How to Notice When Safety is at Risk

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Silence

• Masking understating or being selective
• Avoiding avoiding the real issue
• Withdrawing exiting

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Violence

• Controlling forcing or dominating
• Labeling stereotyping
• Attacking making the person suffer

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Your Style Under Stress

• Fill out the survey and score it

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Form A
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Form B
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Learn To Look Recap

• At content and conditions
• For when things become crucial
• To watch for safety problems
• To see if others are moving toward silence or
  violence
• For outbreaks of your style under stress

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How to Make it Safe

• To Talk About Almost Anything

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Establish Mutual Purpose

• Working toward a common outcome
• Care about goals, interests, values
• Find a shared goal

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Maintain Mutual Respect

• Avoid defending dignity
• Respect basic humanity
• Look for similarities
• Sympathize or empathize

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To Regain Purpose or Respect

• Apologize
• Contrast
• CRIB to get to Mutual Purpose
• Commit
• Recognize
• Invent
• Brainstorm

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Master My Stories

• How to Stay in Dialogue when Youre Angry,
  Scared, or Hurt

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Retrace Your Path

• Notice your behavior, take an honest look
• Get in touch with your feelings
• Analyze your stories
• Get back to the facts
• Watch for clever stories
• Victim
• Villain
• Helpless
• Tell the rest of the story

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STATE My Path

• How to Speak Persuasively, not Abrasively

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The What Skills

• Share your facts
• Tell your story
• Ask for others paths

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The How Skills

• Talk tentatively, not wimpily
• Encourage testing

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Explore Others Paths

• How to Listen when Others Blow Up or Clam Up

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Start With Heart

• Be sincere
• Be curious
• Stay curious
• Be patient

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Encourage Others to Retrace Their Paths

• They are acting out their stories
• Every sentence has a history
• Break the cycle
• Power up

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Power Listening Skills AMPP

• Ask to Get Things Rolling
• Mirror to Confirm Feelings
• Paraphrase to Acknowledge the Story
• Prime When Youre Getting Nowhere

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What If You Dont Agree?

• Agree
• Build
• Compare

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Move to Action

• How to Turn Crucial Conversations Into Action and
  Results

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Methods of Decision Making

• Command
• Consult
• Vote
• Consensus

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How To Choose a Method

• Who cares?
• Who knows?
• Who must agree?
• How many people is it worth involving?

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Assignments to Put Decisions into Action

• Who?
• Does what?
• By when?
• How will you follow up?

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Any Questions?
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Thanks for Your Time and Attention!

• Feel free to contact me
• Nancy Dodd
• 441 Reid Hall
• 994-6195
• ndodd_at_montana.edu