CLOTHED IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE

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CLOTHED IN CHOCOLATE SAUCE My best friends
brother lay wasting away in a hospice with two
months to live. Two of my friends, early
sixties, died in the last six months. Across the
road a man lay dead for five days before anyone
found his body. Last year I was diagnosed with
malignant melanoma cancer. The doctor said it
could have killed me in a year. Having escaped
deaths clutches, I was shaken out of cozy. At
seventy one, how many years did I have left to
experience things I wanted before perhaps losing
my mind, the power in my limbs or was being fed
soup without knowing it was dribbling off my
chin? My brush with death brought out a strong
desire to grab life by the horns, ditch my work
as a life coach for an unspecified period and
accomplish my major want to find a soulmate. A
recurring dream told me Id have crazy sex with
a man Id fall in love with at first sight and
that Id meet him in Florida. Call it insane. I
call it intuition. When my soul spoke so
succinctly, I followed. I knew my task might
prove a challenge since Im not a woman who fits
the perception of how women my age should
behave. I still smoke roll ups, Al Capone
cigarillos on occasion, and love nothing better
than a Jack and Ginger preferably with a
spliff. I booked a singles cruise, which started
out in Fort Lauderdale for reasons explained. My
daughter laughingly visualized it as a blood
bath with hordes of wild eyed women
with stretched out painted claws hissing over a
few good men. Would I be able to compete? Did I
have the energy? The dating site I joined for a
month before being guided to Florida, nearly
knocked the confidence out of me. My first date
was supposed to be at a cosy Japanese
restaurant, but as soon as the guy saw me turn
the corner, he hurriedly put a mobile to his ear,
pretended his granddaughter needed to be rushed
to hospital and vanished. The second man I
chatted to online, discovered I chopped 5 years
off my age and said he never wanted to hear from
me again. Are you serious? I asked. Serious as
a heart attack, he said.
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I think it was because when he googled my name,
he was accosted by pages of headlines such as
Stella Ralfini, hilarious 68 year OAP, says
using her husbands spunk as a beauty mask keeps
it young. The press, worldwide, had a field day
distorting an article I wrote to encourage
couples to embrace Tantra. So apart from being
non-conformist, Im regarded as not quite right
in the head. As you see, my chances of finding a
soul mate were slim and it was likely Id be
the oldest female on the cruise. Youll be
fine, my daughter conceded. Give the men
your Elizabeth Taylor pout. Theyll come at you
in droves. I knew Id achieve one wonderful
thing on the trip. The cruise ship stopped at
Falmouth, Jamaica for the day. There Id
developed a friendship with a woman called Sheila
with whom I had a soul-sister connection with
from the first message we exchanged on Facebook.
I dont know whether it has to do with age, but
Ive formed few new deep relationships as Ive
grown older. There was a time when I felt as
though I bumped into soul sisters and brothers
wherever I went. These days thats a rare gift.
One I sensed Id share with Sheila a beautiful,
tall strong Jamaican warrior, with the smile of
a queen. We both shared strong relationships with
God but were feisty, knew what we were worth and
got on with making it happen no fuss. Another of
my intentions during the trip was to finish a
book Im writing called Sensual Sorcery. This
lists my home made natural beauty recipes which
are becoming popular on the internet, and might
hopefully prove what can be achieved without
plastic surgery. Friends coo at my unlined neck,
the baby skin on the back of my hands, the
healthy glow in my cheeks. I dont look 71. I
dont feel 71 apart from the nagging pain, raging
through my left leg most days. This developed as
an after result of my second cancer operation.
No-one can yet explain it, other than I was the
one in a million who had an allergic reaction to
the anaesthetic used to numb my leg. Until
recently I included yoga in my life coach
sessions. This was also on hold, due to the fact
I could no longer open my legs wide enough to do
warrior pose or touch my toes without
electrocuting myself with pain hopefully crazy
sex might remedy that. I dipped into my meagre
savings and booked premium comfort everything.
Premium economy flight, quirked up, hippy
apartment in Fort Lauderdale where Id stay for
two nights pre cruise, my own room with balcony
on the ship and a peaceful Zen abode in Boca
Raton. I dont imagine there are many women my
age who would blow money saved for hospitals,
funerals and unexpected misfortune on sheer
indulgence. My take on life is if I need more
money Ill find work. A little life of worry,
anxiety and fear seem pointless when even our
next breath isnt guaranteed. A page back, I
was telling you that my focus was to find a soul
mate and my dream pointed me to Florida.
According to friends research, Florida was a
thumbs-down in the soulmate department because
70 are Democrats who Id disgust with my liberal
attitude but whats wrong with saying I smoke
weed? My lifestyles been rock n roll since I
bought my first motorbike at 18 and got high
listening to Zeppelin and Deep Purple. I worked
for the Rolling Stones as their Personal
Assistant for three years in the seventies, Im
still a hippie, albeit it with a glamorous,
slightly decadent diva slant. I feel as connected
to the music scene as I did in my heady
twenties, can dance the pants off anyone on a
dance floor and Im the kind of woman a man can
take to a peepshow to watch women writhe about
naked. Particularly in Amsterdam with its
abundant Coffee Shops. Surely, thered be one
such man in Florida who could embrace
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such a fun-loving, partially crippled, smoking,
drinking, drug taking 71 year old with lesbian
tendencies? The day before my trip, I looked up
at the sky and shared my concerns with God. A
star fell out of the sky and zigzagged towards
me like a firefly. I knew then I would find my
soulmate and we would accept all there was to
accept about each other. I told my daughter when
she kissed me goodbye at the airport. Good job
youre cool, she smiled. Cos you are definitely
cuckoo. The above opening extract is taken from
Stellas unbelievable, touching adventure,
Clothed in Chocolate Sauce. which recently
took her to Florida, Jamaica and Mexico.
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