CLEARING THE PATH TO LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

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CLEARING THE PATH TO LOVING RELATIONSHIPS

• Presented By
• Ken Richardson, BSW, LISAC
• and
• Mary L. Richardson, M.Phil., LISAC
• Sponsored By
• The Las Vegas Recovery Center

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TRANSACTUAL ANALYSIS EGO STATES WITH ADDITION OF
HIGHER SELF
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING ADULT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
3
HS
HS
A
A
P
C
FEELINGS CREATIVITY, SPONTANITY, PLAY, FUN,
LAUGHTER, HOPES, DREAMS, MEMORIES, OUR SPIRIT
ACTIONS BOUNDARIES, PROTECTOR, LOVING SELF
DISCIPLINE, SELF CARE, EQUALITY
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
4
HS
A
P
P
C
C
THOUGHTS INFORMATION, LOVING THOUGHTS, CONCEPTS, I
DEAS, LOGIC, EGO, DATA IN/OUT
SOUL INSPIRATION, INSIGHT, INTUITION, INSTINCT, SE
NSING
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING ADULT
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HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING HIGHER SELF
LOVING ADULT
LOVING ADULT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
LOVING CHILD
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DEFINITION OF CODEPENDENCE

• Kenneth T. Richardson, BSW, LISAC and Mary
  L. Richardson, M.Phil., LISAC Codependence is
  learned patterns of unhealthy and dysfunctional
  thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors which adversely
  affect an individuals relationship with
  themselves and others. It is cyclic and
  progressively results in mild to chronically
  severe consequences. Codependence is primarily
  learned in childhood through experiences of
  abuse, abandonment, neglect or enmeshment and/or
  a significant traumatic event. Codependent
  thoughts and beliefs generally manifest in
  moderate to extreme passive and/or aggressive
  behaviors, which may include avoidant, enmeshing
  and/or controlling behaviors. Codependence often
  develops into and is masked by addictions and
  other compulsive behaviors and is generally seen
  as the underlying cause of addiction relapse.
  Codependence is treatable and generally results
  in an individuals progressively healthy and
  loving relationship with themselves and others.

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SYMPTOMS AND CHARACTERISTICS

• Feeling embarrassment over another persons
  behaviors.
• Making attempts to control another persons
  behaviors.
• Manipulating others
• Making excuses to family, friends, etc., for
  anothers behaviors.
• Acceptance/provocation of violence, humiliations
  from/with others.
• Obsession with anothers behaviors.
• Dysfunctional and/or failed relationships.

• Nagging, critical comments.
• Using sex, money and/or power to control or
  manipulate others.
• Using sex, money and/or power to gain approval
  from others.
• Basing my worth, value, identity, sense of self,
  happiness, safety or well-being on another
  person.
• Basing my worth, value, identity, sense of self,
  happiness, safety or well-being on what I do.

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SYMPTOMS AND CHARACTERISTICSCont

• Avoidant Behaviors.
• Neediness.
• Enabling.
• Neglect of self, children, friends, etc.
• Unrealistic Expectations of self and others.
• Feeling less important than others.
• Grandiosity and Arrogance.

• Difficulty identifying feelings.
• Trusting No One.
• Trusting Everyone.
• Isolation.
• Threats of separation or divorce.
• Need for approval and/or recognition.
• Rigidity

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TOXIC FEAR AND TOXIC SHAMETHE EMOTIONAL CORE OF
CODEPENDENCE

• Toxic fear and toxic shame usually develop
  progressively in the family members of addicted
  family systems, family members where there is
  periodic or consistent abuse, abandonment,
  neglect and/or enmeshment taking place or in a
  person who has experienced a significant
  traumatic event. Through these experiences,
  individuals begin to develop distorted internal
  protection mechanisms to predominantly feel safe,
  even when actual threats are not present. Toxic
  fear and toxic shame keep a person emotionally
  stunted and guarded internally and often
  externally as well. As codependence is, at its
  core, an addiction to fear, the symptoms of toxic
  fear and toxic shame are identical to the
  symptoms of codependence.

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TOXIC FEAR AND TOXIC SHAMETHE EMOTIONAL CORE OF
CODEPENDENCE(cont)

• Toxic Fear and Toxic Shame symptoms include, but
  are not limited to
• Feeling Small
• Feeling Sorry for Self
• Avoiding
• Blaming Self and/or Others
• One Up Thoughts and Behaviors
• One Down Thoughts and Behaviors
• Judgments of Self and/or Others
• Reactionary Thoughts and Feelings
• Victim Attitudes and/or Behaviors
• Arrogant Attitudes and/or Behaviors
• Not Feeling the Same on the Inside as Presented
  on the Outside
• Controlling of Myself and/or Others
• Giving Power to Others
• Rigidness
• Neediness
• Low Self Esteem
• Making Excuses for, Minimizing or Feeling
  Embarrassed about My and/or Others Behaviors

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CODEPENDENT ADAPTATION
LOVING HIGHER SELF
DIMINISHING HEART
LOVING ADULT
FEARFUL THINKING
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
LOVING PARENT
LOVING CHILD
ADAPTIVE CHILD
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HS
DH
HS
DH
A
FT
A
FT
P
CP
P
CP
C
AC
C
AC
FEAR BASED ADAPTATIONS ADAPTS PASSIVE AND/OR
AGGRESSIVE ROLES IN RESPONSE TO ENVIRONMENT,
MINIMIZES OR DEMANDS THAT THEIR FEELINGS ARE
HEARD
FEAR BASED PARENT PASSIVE AND/OR AGGRESSIVE SELF
PARENTING THAT OVER CONTROLS, NEGLECTS OR
ABANDONS THE CHILD SELF
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
ADAPTIVE CHILD
13
HS
DH
HS
DH
A
FT
A
FT
P
CP
P
CP
C
AC
C
AC
FEAR BASED THOUGHTS SELF JUDGING AND/OR OVER
LOOKING THE NEEDS OF THE SELF
MINIMIZED HEART FEAR OVERRIDES OUR HEART FELT
TRUTH
DIMINISHING HEART
FEARFUL THINKING
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CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIPS
DIMINISHING HEART
DIMINISHING HEART
SOUL THOUGHTS ACTIONS FEELINGS
FEARFUL THINKING
FEARFUL THINKING
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
OVER INDULGENT OR CRITICAL PARENT
ADAPTIVE CHILD
ADAPTIVE CHILD
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SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIP

• CYCLIC PATTERNS OF DISAGREEMENTS, ARGUMENTS AND
  FIGHTS
• ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR THE OTHER BUT NOT
  RECIPRACATED
• ALWAYS BEING THERE FOR THE OTHER TO THE
  ABANDONMENT OF YOUR OWN NEEDS OR TRUTH
• POWER STRUGGLES
• VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE AND VIOLENCE
• ONE OR BOTH IN ACTIVE ADDICTIONS
• ENMESHED WITH ONE ANOTHER TO THE EXCLUSION OF
  OTHERS INCLUDING CHILDREN, FAMILY, FRIENDS, ETC.

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SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIPCont

• ENMESHED WITH ONE OR BOTH FAMILIES OF ORIGIN
• LACK OF EMOTIONAL, SEXUAL, INTELLECTUAL, PHYSICAL
  OR SPIRITUAL INTIMACY
• LACK OF HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
• AVOIDANCE OF ONE ANOTHER IN THE RELATIONSHIP
• OVER IDENTIFICATION WITH GENDER ROLES
• CONSISTENT SOCIAL, RECREATIONAL, ATHLETHIC,
  CAREER AND/OR RELIGIOUS ACTIVITIES AS AVOIDANCE
  OF, OR SUBSTITUTE FOR, INTIMACY IN THE
  RELATIONSHIP

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SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCE IN A RELATIONSHIPCont

• USING CHILDREN IN THE AVOIDANCE OF INTIMACY IN
  THE RELATIONSHIP
• LIVING AS DISTANT ROOMMATES
• AVOIDANCE, OVERCONTROLLING OR COMPLIANCE SEXUALLY
• USING CHILDREN, LIFESTYLE OR SENSE OF SECURITY AS
  REASONS TO STAY IN A FAILED RELATIONSHIP
• LACK OF FORGIVENESS AND CYCLIC PUNISHMENT FOR
  PAST MISTAKES

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SELF AUTHENTICITY

• LOVE
• A FEELING OF WARM PERSONAL ATTACHMENT OR DEEP
  AFFECTION. A CONSCIOUSNESS IN CONTRAST TO FEAR
  CONSCIOUSNESS.
• SELF-ESTEEM
• SELF RESPECT AND CONFIDENCE IN YOUR OWN MERIT AS
  AN INDIVIDUAL PERSON.
• EMPOWERMENT
• THE STATE OF BEING CONFIDENT AND ASSERTIVE.
• AUTHENTICITY
• THE GENUINENESS OR TRUTH OF SOMEONE.
• INTIMACY
• THE OPEN, VULNERABLE, EMPOWERED, AUTHENTIC,
  CONFIDANT SHARING OF OUR SELVES, OUR TRUTH AND
  OUR LOVE.

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SEVEN PRIMARY FEELINGS

• PAIN
• GUILT
• SHAME
• ANGER
• FEAR
• LONELY
• JOY

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FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDEpage 1 of 4

• Couples Meetings
• Couples meetings are done on a daily
  basis. They are designed to create a safe
  intimate setting for each person to share their
  feelings.
• This is a time where each person has an
  opportunity to share their feelings about
  themselves, each other, others or life
  experiences.
• Feelings are shared using the Sharing
  Feelings outline above. One way to begin is by
  taking the feeling list and sharing one item
  about each feeling. After a weeks experiences of
  Couples Meetings, then the Couples Meeting can be
  altered in what ever way feels appropriate.
• Couples Meetings usually last 30-40
  minutes maximum with each person sharing half of
  the time.
• There is no feedback during the Couples
  Meetings. Each person will take turns sharing
  their feelings while the other practices
  listening and then switch. If an issue arises
  from the Couples Meeting, then a separate time is
  set to process the issue.
• Couples Meetings are not a place for
  dumping, shaming or taking advantage of the no
  feedback guideline by using sideways rage or
  anger or manipulation. As said before, they are
  designed to create a safe intimate setting for
  each person to share their feelings, which will
  then lead to a greater sense of intimacy between
  the couple.

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FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDEpage 2 of 4

• The Seven Primary Feelings Are
• Fear Joy
• Anger Pain
• Shame Guilt
• Lonely
• You can mix any of these feelings together to
  come up with other feelings, much like mixing any
  of the
• primary colors together to come up with other
  colors. For example, frustration is fear and
  anger mixed
• together and rage is fear, shame and pain mixed
  together.
• Sharing Feelings
• When you said , I felt
  . or-
• This is what I heard you say and I felt
  _________when I heard that. Did I hear you
  correctly? -or-
  
• When you did_____________I felt _________and I
  what I am needing in response to that is
  ___________.
• The main point is to share your feelings in "I"
  statement and to remember when describing the
  statement or behavior that it is done without
  judgment, criticism or shame.

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FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDEpage 3 of 4

• Family Meetings
• Family Meetings guidelines are the same as
  the Couple Meetings shown above, with the
  exception that
• Family Meetings are held once a week at a regular
  specified time.
• Each person shares a maximum of 15 minutes each.
• Each family member rotates a turn at calling the
  meeting together.
• Each family member is expected to share.
  In the beginning, it is helpful to use the
  Sharing Feelings outline. Each family member
  can take each feeling and share an experience of
  that feeling that they had during the previous
  week. And each family member can share more than
  one experience about a particular feeling.
• Remember, Family Meetings are designed to
  create a safe place for each family member to
  share feelings. There is no feedback. And what is
  shared during a family meeting cannot be used
  against the person who shared after the meeting.
  If an issue arises from the Family Meeting, a
  separate time is set to address the issue.

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FEELINGS COMMUNICATION GUIDEpage 4 of 4

• Guide for Emotional Intensity
• If an issue arises after you have shared your
  feelings about a statement or behavior and/or
  shared your
• specific need then follow the following
  guideline
• Restate need for clarification.
• If an argument begins to escalate into an
  intensity of a level three or four on a
  ten-point scale
• 1. Tell the other person that you will
  need to take a time out and state specifically
  when you
• will return to continue the
  discussion.
• 2. Both individuals then take physical
  space from each other.
• 3. During the time out, it is helpful to
  use one or more of the following tools
• a. Journal about the issue and examine
  the reasons you became triggered. This can
• possibly be family-of-origin issues,
  mirroring of your unresolved issues by the other
  
• person, or feelings you have carried
  from an incident earlier in the day that was
  being
• projected onto the other person.
• b. Call a friend or sponsor (if in a 12
  Step Program) to process this information.
• c. Do some emotional release work (yell
  in a pillow, punch a punching bag, take a fast
• walk, and let yourself cry).
• d. Look to see if you were appropriate,
  need to share any amends or need to set
• limitations and boundaries with the
  other person.

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TOOLS FOR PROGRESSIVE LOVE, EMPOWERMENT AND
AUTHENTICITY

• 12 Step Programs
• Sponsors
• Daily Readings
• Prayer
• Meditation
• Feelings Journaling
• Emotional Release Work to move the emotional
  energy out of your body
• Feelings Meetings
• Healthy Communication
• Listening Skills
• Assertiveness Training
• Fear and Shame message lists
• Affirmational responses Gods highest Truth in
  response to each fear and shame message
• Daily Affirmations reading and/or audio recordings

• Dialogue with the Child Self
• Left Hand/Right Hand Journaling with Child Self
• Examine what your individual boundaries look like
  in the five areas of Emotional, Physical,
  Sexual, Intellectual and Spiritual
• Defining Personal negotiable and non-negotiable
  desires and expectations in the five areas of
  Emotional, Physical, Sexual, Intellectual and
  Spiritual
• Therapy, Education and/or Workshops
• Genograms
• Time Line of significant events
• Autobiography of Family-of-Origin experiences
  focusing on Abuse, Abandonment, Neglect and
  Enmeshment
• Identify child and adult roles and rules
• Journaling about childhood and adult experiences
  and the feelings about those experiences

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CONTINUING PROGRESSIVE CODEPENDENCE RECOVERY

• Self exploration to determine patterns,
  characteristics and symptoms.
• Self honesty.
• A sincere desire to change.
• Development of healthy and loving thoughts,
  behaviors, skills and tools through Co-Dependents
  Anonymous, Self Help Education and Counseling.
• Developing a loving relationship with a Higher
  Power.
• Developing a loving relationship with Self.
• A conscious and progressive shift from fear to
  love.

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8 STEPS TO A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

• KNOW YOUR HISTORY AND KEEP IT SEPARATE FROM THE
  RELATIONSHIP - MOVING FROM FANTASY TO REALITY.
• ESTABLISH AND MAINTAIN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
• IDENTIFY AND EXPRESS YOUR NEGOTIABLE AND
  NON-NEGOTIABLE DESIRES.
• KNOW AND BE HONEST WITH YOUR FEELINGS.
• PRACTICE AND EXPAND COMMUNICATION SKILLS.
• QUESTION AND CLARIFY ALL ASSUMPTIONS AND
  SUPPOSITIONS.
• STRIVE TO MAINTAIN GREATER LEVELS OF INTIMACY AND
  SPIRITUALITY.
• SEEK SUPPORT TO GROW YOUR RELATIONSHIP THROUGH
  OUTSIDE SUPPORT SYSTEMS, 12 STEP PROGRAMS AND
  COUNSELING, IF NECESSARY.