Handling the Challenge of Infidelity

1

• Handling the Challenge of Infidelity

2
Jennifer L. Baker, Psy.D. Anne B. Summers, Ph.D.
Debbi Steinmann, M.A. Training Instructor /
MentorsMelissa A. Gibson, M.S. Kim Rozell, M.A.
Graduate AssistantsBrent Anderson, M.S.
Matthew Biller, M.A. Cate Brandon, M.A Dawn
Clinard, M.A.Jessie Clinton, M.S. Tabitha
Carlson, M.S.Anup Jonathan Tony Larson, B.A.
Nicole Mannis, M.A.Robert Mindrup,
M.S.S.W.Colleen Quinn, Ph.D. Amber Schafner,
M.A. Amanda Schroeder, B.S.

• The Training for the Healthy Marriage and Family
  Formation curriculum was created through the
  cooperative efforts of

3
Why Learn About Infidelity?

• Even though 90 of Americans disapprove of
  infidelity, estimates indicate 20 of women and
  30 of men have experienced extramarital sex.
• Some experts suggest that gender affects the type
  of affair one is likely to have.
• - Men sexual
• - Women emotional

4
Why Learn About Infidelity?

• An increase in women having affairs at work in
  the last decade
• Early sexual experience increases the likelihood
  of having an extramarital affair

• Affairs increase the probability of divorce or
  breaking up
• Attitudes change over the life-cycle of a
  marriage
• Lower commitment increases the likelihood of
  infidelity

5
Why Learn About Infidelity?

• A happy marriage is NOT a vaccine against
  infidelity.
• The person having the affair may not be giving
  enough at home rather than not getting enough.
• It is normal to be attracted to another person.
  However, fantasizing about this person is a
  danger sign.

6
What Constitutes an Affair?

• Affairs are characterized by
• Secrecy
• Emotional intimacy
• Sexual chemistry

7
Sliding into Infidelity

• Initial Impulse Toward an Affair
• Unmet needs or unfulfilled expectations
• Environments encouraging arousal
• Inadequate coping skills

8
Common Types of Affairs
9
Types of Affairs

• Work-Related Affair
• Friendship Affair
• Male Mid-Life
• Internet Affairs
• Former Lovers

10
Types of Affairs

• Sex and Love Addictions
• Failure of One Partner to Meet Reasonable
  Requests
• Passive-Aggressiveness
• Codependency
• Family Patterns

11
GenderDifferences

• Successful men are more likely to feel that
  affairs are their prerogative.
• Women are expected to stand by their man.
• Women are often less upset by the one night
  stand than by a long-term affair.

12
Role of Commitment

• Constraint
• Social Pressure
• Financial Pressure
• Children
• Termination Process
• Moral Factors
• Partners Welfare
• Alternative Quality

13
Role of Commitment

• Dedication
• Couple Identity
• Priority of the Relationship
• Healthy Giving
• Alternative Monitoring

14
Commitment

• Components of Commitment
• Fear of commitment
• Until death do us part
• Conditional commitment
• Walls with windows

15
Children and Affairs

• Children and teens are affected by an affair.
• Children know something is wrong.
• Secrecy increases childrens fear and suspicion.

16
Children and Affairs

• Behavioral Changes
• Young children insecurity, regression, clinging
  behavior, nightmares and decline in school
  performance.
• Older children may get angry, withdraw, start
  fights, vandalize, threaten suicide
• and experience dating insecurity.

17
Children and Affairs

• Emotions
• Secrets disorganize family boundaries.
• Children experience guilt and disloyalty.

18
Responding to Infidelity
19
Sliding into Infidelity What You Need to Know

• Flirting is crossing the line.
• Infidelity may be about more than love or sex.
• Recognize boundaries and slippery slopes.

20
To Tell Or Not To Tell...Advantages of Telling

• Usually better than having partner find out about
  it
• May increase chances of staying faithful
• May awaken partner to the need to address
  problems before it is too late
• Reestablishes the primacy of relationship with
  partner

21
To Tell Or Not To Tell...Disadvantages of
Telling

• May irreparably crush the faithful partners
  spirit.
• Could create an obsessive focus on the affair and
  keep the couple from examining the cause.
• Intense pain if the faithful partner is unable to
  provide sexual companionship.

22
To Tell or Not to Tell Children

• Parents can maintain privacy without having
  secrecy.
• It is better to be honest, rather than just
  hoping that they dont find out.
• Tell children in an age-appropriate manner.

23
To Tell or Not to Tell Children

• Parents can maintain privacy without having
  secrecy.
• It is better to be honest, rather than just
  hoping that they dont find out.
• Tell children in an age-appropriate manner.

24
Rebuilding After an Affair
25
Seven Tips to Protect Marriage from Infidelity

• Maintain appropriate boundaries and safeguards.
• 2. Recognize that work can be a danger zone.
• 3. Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive
  alternatives.
• 4. Keep old flames from re-igniting.

26
Seven Tips to Protect Marriage from Infidelity

• Protect your marriage by discussing relationship
  issues at home.
• Dont go over the line with internet friends.
• Make sure your social network is supportive of
  your marriage.

27

• Forest Institute of Professional Psychologys
  Marriage and Family Therapy Department
• http//www.forest.edu/clinic/index.html
• Marriage Restored
• http//www.marriagerestored.com
• Ozarks Marriage Matters
• http//www.ozarksmarriagematters.org
• Retrouvaille
• http//www.retrouvaille.org
• Robert J. Murney Clinic at Forest Institute of
  Professional Psychology
• http//www.forest.edu/clinic/index.html

• Websites

28
Questions