Intimate Justice:Finding Fairness in Love

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The Two Realms of Fairness

• The Universal RealmWere Wired for Justice (but
  also for revenge)
• The Learned Realm

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Recognizing Your Blind Spots and False Assumptions

1. If I am loved enough, my partner will meet my
   needs and be fair automatically.
2. Love conquers all.
3. Whats fair is intuitively obvious.
4. It isnt fair for me to put my needs ahead of
   someone I love.
5. Since I am a good person, my take on things is
   usually fair.
6. The past is the past and has nothing to do with
   how fair my relationship is now.
7. You can only have a fair relationship if the
   other person changes.
8. Insight just excuses bad behavior.

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Defining the New Fairness

• A working definition Four Key Elements
• Reciprocity
• Acknowledgment
• Claims
• Trust

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The SeeSaw of Reciprocity
Fig. 1, Try to See It My Way Being Fair in Love
and Marriage, Hibbs w/Getzen, Avery/Penguin,2009
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Balancing Give-and-Take

• Errors in Give and Take
• You can give too much.
• You can take too much.

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Relating from the Well of Trust
Fig.2 Try to See It My Way Being Fair in Love
and Marriage, Hibbs w/Getzen, Avery/Penguin, 2009.
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The Four Basic Violations of Fairness

• Loyalty Conflicts
• Stupid Fights
• Growing Pains
• Enduring Injustice

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Loyalty is a Payback
Fig 3. Try to See It My Way Being Fair in Love
and Marriage. Hibbs w/Getzen, Avery/Penguin, 2009.
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Loyalty The Ties that Bond and Bind

• And marriage makes three loyalty systems
• Two tribes
• Marital Loyalty Choosing Between
• Parents and Spouse
• New Spouse and Children
• You owe something to everyoneincluding yourself

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Stupid Fights

• You left your dirty Kleenex on the bed when Ive
  asked you not to, over and over again.
• You left the gas tank on empty for me to fill up.
• You accepted a holiday invitation to your
  mothers without asking me.
• I cant plan our weekends because your kids wont
  ever commit to a plan, and then you cave in.
• You left the dishes in the sink for me to clean
  up.
• Whyd you order that movie? You know I dont like
  Rambo.

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Money, Children, Chores and Sex Resolving
Fairness and the Growing Pains of Love

• Inequitable, but fair? The Dance of Fairness
• The Chore Wars Who Does More?
• Money Who Makes It? Who Spends It? Who Decides?
• Money Separate, Equal and Unhappy
• JealouslyChoose ME!

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The Baggage You Bring to Relationships

• Everybodys got baggagebut my husband was not a
  neat packer. Ellie, married sixteen years,
  divorced five.
• You keep bringing up the past, but in the past I
  wore diapers too. Whats it got to do with
  today? (John, eight years, second marriage)

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• Six Childhood Entitlements That Promote Fairness
• 1. Protection and preservation of the primary
  relationships with your mother, father, siblings
  and extended family
• 2. Safe, reliable and nurturing parenting
• 3. Appropriate give-and-take between parent and
  child
• 4. Being valued
• 5. Negotiation of fairness issues
• 6. Repair and restoration of fairness and trust

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Benefits of Repair

• Increased ability to take personal responsibility
• Increased empowerment and self-advocacy
• Interrupt the perpetuation of the unfairness
  cycle
• Use of voice over exit

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The Relationship Survival Kit

• Recognizing the Injustice Done
• Acknowledging the Harmful Consequences
• Making a Claim to Restore Fairness
• Replenishing Trust

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Enduring Injustice To the Brink and Back to
Fairness

• Scenes from the minefields
• The Paradox of Enduring Injustice
• A New Model of Fairness Emerges

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Your Fairness Toolbox

• You can learn to be fair
• Let go of a one-sided perspective
• Practice what youve learned
• Improve the relationship skills you learned in
  childhood
• Risk being vulnerable again
• Repair is a two-way street

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References

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