The Winston Chronicles

1
The Winston Chronicles

• Voted 1 Independent Satirical News-Cast by the 5
  People who read it for 8 weeks in a Row!

The Week in Review for August 10th 2009
2
War in Iraq Over!

• Celebration in the streets last week as the war
  in Iraq ends! Were not entirely certain, but it
  is the only conclusion we can come to because the
  only news last week was covering the war on
  healthcare in the U.S. Its been nothing but
  mayhem and panic in numerous town hall meetings
  throughout the country as brave citizens try to
  fight back the tide of communism that is Obamas
  new healthcare plan. Called everything from
  Nazi-Care to Obam-unism, this new threat to
  America has people up in arms. As you read this,
  thousands of National Guardsmen are being called
  back from Iraq to help clean the many Swastikas
  off of the office buildings of democratic state
  senators and to transport thousands of irate
  Americans out of town-hall meetings. We have not
  seen the likes of this rumor and panic since
  Orson Wells 1938 Broadcast of War of the
  Worlds. One angry woman at a town hall meeting
  stood up and yelled at President Obama I love
  my current Gynecologist, and I dont want the
  hand of the government up my snatch! Of course
  there could be affordable healthcare if everyone
  lost weight, stopped smoking, started exercising
  and stopped suing physicians so much, but really,
  wheres the fun in that?

3
Its America! And Ill be loud, rude, anti-social
and incoherent!

• Arlen Specter took the heat from all comers in a
  town hall meeting in Lebanon PA, the city of
  brotherly shove. In particular he got an earful
  from Craig Miller who was angry because out of
  the 250 people let in only 30 of them were handed
  cards on which they could write their questions
  that they could then ask as their turns came up.
  Of course Mr. Miller wasnt one of themPeople in
  the angry mob were getting very angry that they
  were being referred to as an angry mob and many
  of them were tired from holding torches and
  pitchforks outside for hours on end. Senator
  Specter calmly explained that they way they hand
  out cards for questions is that they look the
  crowd over and then try to avoid the angry
  looking bearded bespectacled cranky old dudes who
  are most like carrying firearms and live in the
  woodlands with other angry old dudes with guns
  chanting about how evil the government is. Then
  we just dont give cards to those folks. Mr.
  Miller was angry because his health care
  organization refuses to pay for the Xanax that he
  desperately needs to keep him from screaming
  obscenities at government officials about the
  fact that he cant get enough Xanax

4
90 percent of U.S. money is laced with cocaine

• No, we didnt make this up but wish we had. We
  cant think why this would be the case
  (picture)..Nope, it just doesnt make any
  senseAnyhow, scientists have known for years
  (as they always do) that money can be
  contaminated with cocaine through drug deals (you
  know where the drug dealer rolls around in a
  mixture of cocaine and hundred dollar bills) and
  by snorting through money rolled up and used as a
  straw. U.S. and Canadian Currency has the highest
  contamination rate with the U.S. being the
  highest at 90. The Chinese and Japanese currency
  had the lowest rates between 12 and 20 percent
  but that is probably due to the extensive money
  laundering in those countriesThere was one
  country where the money was not contaminated at
  all but thats because they were trying to snort
  cocaine using coins instead of paper money, and
  we dont know what country that was, but
  according to the Polish DEA, it wasnt Poland.
  Dont get any ideas though folks, the amount of
  cocaine found on bills ranges from .006 to 1,240
  micrograms, youd have to rub like 1000 dollars
  on your gums (in small bills of course) to even
  have any hope of obtaining any pharmacologic
  effect. Experts also agreed that since paper
  money is used for a variety of vices including
  tipping strippers, that we could expect to find
  traces of a variety of human epithelial cells and
  bodily fluids from the nether regions of
  countless single moms. So, maybe you should be
  thankful the next time you find a ten dollar bill
  in your jeans pocket when you take them out of
  the dryer.

5
Michael Vick to donate portion of Football
earnings to PETA!

• Yes, hes served his time for doin the crime but
  not everyone is full of forgiveness for who is
  arguably the worst friend to mans best friend.
  Most football fanatics are glad hes back. Most
  dog lovers feel that he should never be allowed
  to play again. Dog lovers who love football are
  wracked with ambivalence. For those of you that
  hate both dogs AND football, well we hate to
  break it to you, but no one really cares about
  you. You could at least pretend that youre mad
  about what he did to those poor dogs couldnt
  you? PETA is staunch in their position on the
  matter and has asked the NFL to make mandatory a
  class on how to develop empathy for animals.
  Unbelievably, Michael Vick said that he was going
  to donate 20 of his earnings to PETA on a yearly
  basis. He later retracted that statement however
  when he realized that PETA does not stand for
  Prostitutes for the Ethical Treatment of Athletes.

PETA was willing to ease up on Michael if he
agreed to let each of his rescued dogs bite him
on the ass at the end of every game he plays for
his first full season back. Vick agreed that
everyone would probably feel better and that he
might also improve his time in the 100 yard dash.
6
Hurricane Bill creates confusion!

• We all know that the numerous hurricanes of the
  past administration were due to the blatantly
  anti-environmental attitude of George W. Bush,
  and we have already seen a lessening of hurricane
  activity this season since President Obama has
  taken office. Apparently the Prez and El Nino are
  good buds so Bill is the first storm to make it
  to Hurricane status. Of course when irate
  Republicans heard about this, they thought it was
  The Hurricane Bill some new Fascist legislation
  that would raise taxes on the wealthy to help pay
  for the homes of the less fortunate when they are
  destroyed or damaged by hurricanes. There is in
  fact no proposed hurricane bill but that hasnt
  stopped desperate republicans from using scare
  tactics and infomercials to get Americans to call
  their local congressmen and express their outrage
  over this phantom legislation. To stem this tide
  of discontent, stop the confusion and to scare
  the crap out of republicans, President Obama has
  ordered NOAA to rename the storm Hurricane Bill
  Clinton Hopefully the storm wont live up to
  its name and will eventually go away.

7
China enacts One-Dog Law

• Pet lovers in china are madder than the attendees
  of a health-care town hall meeting. Everyone was
  just getting used to the one-child rule, and
  now this? As the Chinese adopt more Western
  trends more and more of them have become pet
  lovers. Unfortunately the number of strays has
  also increased and they have no Bob Barker to
  encourage them to get their pets spayed or
  neutered so the population of unregistered pets
  has exploded. Because of this, a law has been
  enacted that limits each family to just one dog.
  The world community is in an uproar over the
  mono-mutt law and animal rights advocates feel
  that the Chinese should have the same rights as
  people in other developed nations. Said one
  spokesperson for PETA It is every humans right
  to have a house full of dogs and to become
  reclusive and mentally unstable! But Chinese
  officials wouldnt budge. Even Michael Vick spoke
  out on behalf of the Chinese. In a press
  conference over the weekend, an impassioned Vick
  told the associated press How can they limit a
  family to just one dog? It is unconscionable! You
  need at least two of them to fight each other!

8
If Ever there was a time to use the emergency
brake...

• A Sturgeon Bay Wisconsin woman (still
  unidentified) was on this drawbridge when the
  operator opened it. The young woman was
  apparently stuck on the bridge for about two
  minutes. Although the operator didnt initially
  see the car, he caught sight of it just in time
  to stop the spans at about a 25 degree angle
  instead of allowing them open almost completely
  vertically. The woman did speak with the bridge
  tender before taking off again (she probably had
  to rush home to change her underwear and clean
  her upholstery). Apparently she was trying to
  re-create that scene in the Blues Brothers where
  Jake and Elwood jump the drawbridge. Upon
  realizing that she didnt have a cop motor with
  a 440 cubic inch plant, cop tires, cop suspension
  and cop shocks she panicked and slammed on the
  brakes at the top of the bridge. Well apparently
  her car did have cop brakes because it didnt
  slip an inch. She shouldnt have any future
  problems with bridges however as she is probably
  going to follow Super Tramps suggestion and take
  the long way home

9
But Mommy, Ill never use Algebra!

• Kindergarten is far too important to show up
  unprepared and ill informed. At least thats what
  some parents think. Krissy Rubesch is already
  working on math and reading with a private tutor
  so that she can be ready for the rigors of
  kindergarten. It is part of an increasing trend
  for parents to pre-prepare their students for
  academics because they fear that their children
  may be left behind by the children of other
  parents who are even more OCD, controlling and
  overachieving than they are. According to
  Krissys mom We just want her to do well. Thats
  why were teaching her how to fill out financial
  aid applications for college and taking her round
  to the various state universities to get a feel
  for the campuses she likes. So far shes leaning
  towards Auburn University because she thinks
  Aubie the Tiger is cute and he reminds her of
  Winnie-the-poohs Tigger, only spelled correctly.
  We dont think that were rushing things, or
  depriving her of her childhood or stressing her
  out, were just preparing her for the real world
  and we think shes mature enough at this point.
  Krissy agreed that she wasnt stressed at all and
  showed off her math skills by using
  multiplication to figure out how many more Valium
  she had until her prescription runs out. Each
  prescription is for twenty pills, I have 4
  refills left, so I have eighty more pills, YAY!
  Yes you do Krissy, yes you do.