The Winston Chronicles

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The Winston Chronicles

• Write it, Scrawl it, Text it, Tweet it, Blog
  it.Or you can do what potentially millions of
  Americans could do and leave the dirty work to

The Week in Review for July 27th 2009
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Obama Declares 40 oz. To Racial Freedom!

• No its not just a song by Sublimeits the
  Presidents new policy on racial tolerance. Got a
  beef? Have a beer with the PrezIts time to
  chillax and throw down our hate and pick up a
  brewsky. President Obama invited Professor Gates
  and Officer James Crowley to the white house for
  a teachable moment and a beer. Were not sure
  if it settled race relations, but we are
  confident that it was a good expenditure of the
  Presidents valuable time and our hard-earned
  taxpayer dollars. According to President Obama,
  because this meeting went so well he will set up
  a tentative list for similar negotiations. First
  he will invite Kim Jong Il (if he isnt too ill)
  to discuss nuclear disarmament while they do some
  shrooms. Later he plans for a meeting with
  Mahmoud Zahar, one of the leaders of Hamas, to
  discuss the turmoil in the middle east over a
  bowl of primo Afghani opium.

According to the President, the possibilities
for drug induced détente are endless. Man Im
going to get so toasted next month when I meet
with Putin, and you know that dude can party
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Taliban to release book of terrorist conduct!

• Well its long overdue, but finally there is a
  text that outlines the proper conduct for
  terrorist attacks. For too many years we have
  suffered through incompetent attacks by
  loose-cannon terrorists engaging in disorganized,
  improper bombings of innocent people. Fear not!
  All of this will change with the new Taliban code
  of conduct book! Al Jazeera network recently
  aired news of this terrorist textbook that is
  allegedly aimed at reducing civilian casualties
  among Muslims. Our daring reporters in the field
  risked life and limb to get their hands on a copy
  of the code of conduct and we have prepared a
  list the top 10 code of conduct rules summarized
  below

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The Top Ten Taliban Code of Conduct Rules
10. Allahu Akbar (God is Great) should be
shouted before detonation of your bomb vest.9.
Wearing white to a bombing after labor day is
strictly prohibited. 8. Death to the Infidels
T-shirts must be worn inside-out in public to
prevent unwanted attention. 7. If your
child is bombing with you, please make sure that
your explosives vest is secured
prior to securing your childs vest. 6. Any
Taliban members surviving a blast with resulting
injuries may not qualify for medical
benefits under the Acts of Allah clause in our
current group insurance plan. 5. Walking around
groups of people and saying boom! really loudly
and then laughing prior to a suicide
bombing is strictly prohibited. 4. Always bomb
with a buddy. Lets be safe out there people! 3.
For easier Taliban identification and record
keeping, please write your name and phone
number on all major body parts prior to any
suicide missions. 2. Please avoid writing
things like Khalim is feeling positive about
tommorrow mornings suicide mission at the
Bagdad Ramada Inn! on your Facebook page. 1.
In accordance with local noise ordinances in most
major cities, bombings must occur no early
than 7 a.m. and no later than 9 p.m. on weekdays
(9 a.m. and 11 p.m. on weekends, holidays
and holy days).
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Michael Phelps loses! Coach blames high-tech
swimsuit!

• Paul Biederman beat out Phelps by a whopping 1.22
  seconds in the 200 meter freestyle at the world
  championships last week in Rome Italy. Phelps
  Coach Bob Bowman was livid because Biederman used
  a high-tech swimsuit made of a special
  polyurethane weave that was most likely given to
  him by highly evolved aliens who had thrown down
  some big money on him to win. Coach Bowman wants
  these futuristic suits banned from the games and
  they are in fact supposed to be next year. Not to
  be outdone, a determined Michael Phelps said that
  he plans to start taping it back referring to
  his unit which sticks out noticeably in his
  tight Speedos (so we are told). He figures that
  by retracting his junk he should bring his drag
  coefficient down by a factor of at least 0.02.
  For those of you unfamiliar with fluid dynamics,
  they use the equation of
• 
  where D denotes Dork.
• If that doesnt work, Phelps plans to have his
  nipples surgically inverted which should give him
  another 0.01 reduction in drag. Godspeed Michael
  Phelps, Godspeed!

As can be seen here, Phelps was so angry over the
loss he yanked Biedermans swimsuit off and tried
to eat it to prevent another loss like this.
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Janet Jackson Feels your pain!

• What? Two wardrobe malfunctions in such a short
  period of time? We suspect a conspiracy! Last
  month swimmer Flavia Zoccaria (bottom on bottom)
  split her swimsuit and was forced to sit out from
  a championship race, and just last week Ricky
  Berens (bottom on top) split his swimsuit so
  badly that they had to rename his event from the
  freestyle to the any-style-with-covered-butt-ch
  eeks. Some believe this to be just a bizarre
  coincidence, but we at the Winston Chronicles
  suspect something far more devious. Note that
  both swimmers are using those cool high tech
  swimsuits. Now who do we know that really, really
  hates those suits? Like maybe someone just named
  in the previous article? Like someone whose
  bong-smoking may have ended up on somebodys face
  book page and gotten him into a lot of trouble?
  No! Not President Obama! Think Man! Ok, well
  prove it. Look at the zoomed-in digitally
  enhanced image of the bottom photograph of Flavia
  Zoccaria on the next page and you can just barely
  make out a sinister image in the background..

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See! See! We Told You!
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This Winston Chronicles is brought to you by the
Sharper Image!

• Introducing The Sharper Image Key-Tray Lamp! How
  many times have you found yourself putting your
  keys down in haphazard places that were poorly
  lit? Then when you are looking for your keys and
  see what looks like your keys but you arent
  certain because its too dark! Now you have to go
  and pick up your keys to make sure thats what
  they are and not something that simply looks like
  your keys? Frustrating!!!! Not anymore thanks to
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  Key-Tray Lamp of Scandinavian design gives you a
  clear place to put your keys. Then just fire up
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  around for what might be your keys! This Key-Tray
  Lamp is also Windows Vista Compatible and
  connects through a USB port so you can program
  your Key-Tray Lamp to turn on at the hours that
  you need to see your keys most. If you know
  someone who has keys, has to put them down, and
  cant see in the dark, then this is a gift they
  will use every day of their life!

Key-Tray Lamp 179.99 plus shipping. Specify Burnt
orange, Slate Grey, or Taupe. Key-Tray Lamp
should never be left unattended around small
children or pets. Do not stare directly at
Key-Tray lamp for more than 15 seconds without
safety goggles (not included). Keys left
unattended under Key-Tray Lamp may reach
temperatures in excess of 175 degrees and should
be allowed to cool before handling. UL listed,
but just barely.
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What is it?

• A. The first two cars rejected for the
  governments Cash for Clunkers programB. Why
  you should never let your 13 year-old son get a
  hold of your car keys while youre at dinner C.
  Footage from the new Jackass Movie Jackass 3
  the revenge of WeemanD. Why Dominos stopped
  their whole 30 minutes or its free campaign

And the correct answer isB. The boy got his
dads keys and turned on the ignition for the new
Dodge Durango and accidentally drove it off the
4th floor parking garage. Fortunately, he landed
on a brand new Toyota SUV (which stands for
Suddenly Under Vehicle). The Boy survived the
fall but is not likely to survive whatever hid
dad is going to do to him when he gets out of the
hospital.
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Bratz Being Replaced by Moxie Girls!

• MGA Entertainment Inc., after catching hell for
  the sexy, scantily-clad big-eyed pouty-lipped
  Bratz dolls, has released a kinder, less skankier
  line called the Moxie Girls. This particular line
  is aimed at girls aged 6-10 and comes with
  accessories that any 6-10 year old would have,
  like a guitar, a microphone, and a car. As the
  Bratz were inappropriate for pre-teens, MGA has
  decided to release an entirely new line of dolls
  for older, more street-wise girls between 12 and
  15. The new line, calledUptown Bitches N Hos
  have attitude to the max! These hoochie mammas
  come with accessories like reversible underwear
  for those unplanned overnight outings, their own
  Gardasil HPV Vaccine Kit, a necklace with a vile
  that holds an emergency Plan-B pill, teeny tiny
  fake I.D.s, and coupons worth 50 dollars at any
  CVS pharmacy! Theyre sassy, trashy, and lookin
  to hook-up yo! What teen could resist them?

The Moxie Girls are already selling well at
Target and Wal-Mart and should be a big hit at
Christmas time. For those of you who dont recall
the Bratz Dolls weve put a side-by-side
comparison on the next slide with both the Moxie
Girls and the Bratz so that you can decide what
is best for your child.
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BRATZ Moxie Girls
The Bratz dolls are undeniably attractive, but at
least little girls have a chance of growing up to
look like the Moxie Girls.