Conflict Resolution in the Library Workplace

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Conflict Resolutionin the Library Workplace

• Instructor
• Pat Wagner
• pat_at_pattern.com
• An Infopeople Workshop
• December 2003

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Workshop Overview

• Rules for better communication
• Tools for resolving conflicts
• three-step conflict model
• visual/auditory/kinesthetic model
• words that work
• what to say to calm people down
• what to say when you are upset

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The Fairy Tale Is Wrong

• The child points at the emperor and says, The
  Emperor has no clothes!instead
• The adults point to themselves and say, Oops,
  maybe we are naked, too.

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The Fairy Tale Is Wrong

• I could assume the conflict starts
• with the other person and blame theminstead
• I know my behavior has impact and I take
  responsibility for my choices.

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Workshop Success

• Conflict Tips of the Trade
• Use issues that are real for you today
• Find a buddy at work

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Conflict Can Be
Healthy
Unhealthy

• Constructive
• Curious
• Present/Future
• Objective
• Hunt information

• Punishing
• Angry
• Past
• Personal
• Defend position

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Silence Is Not Safe
Conflict Tip 1

• Conflict avoidance is dangerous
• Healthy conflict uses communication
• speak up
• stay constructive
• communication flows 360 degrees

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Measures of Healthy Conflict

• Calm, good-humored and interested
• Other people want to work with you
• Productivity increases
• Unhealthy stress decreases

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The Conflict Triangle
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The Conflict Triangle

• Bully
• Emotional intimidation
• Instead
• listen
• ask

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The Conflict Triangle

• Victim
• Overwhelmed
• Instead
• ask for help
• act

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The Conflict Triangle

• Meddler
• Rescue
• Instead
• coach
• get a life

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The Two Sets of Rules
Your Behavior
Their Behavior

• Consequences
• details count
• Responsible
• Transparent
• Peer-based
• others are equal

• Choose the best
• positive intention
• Benefit of doubt
• Ask, dont guess.
• Forgive mistakes
• their status issues

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Tools for Resolving Conflicts

• Three-step conflict model
• Visual/auditory/kinesthetic model
• Words that work
• what to say to calm people down
• what to say when you are upset

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The Three-Step Model

• What do you want next?
• What does the other person want?
• What will you change about your behavior?

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First - What Do You Want?

• Focus on the future
• next
• instead
• despite
• Stay precise
• measurement how many, when
• description, physical behavior

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Second - What Do They Want?

• Ask their goals
• next
• instead
• despite
• Research
• Listen and observe

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Third - What Will You Do?

• Build rapport
• Ask, listen and observe
• Seek feedback on your behavior
• Change your response
• Know your bottom line

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Clean up Your Own Act First
Conflict Tip 2

• Sarcasm destroys trust
• Gossip everyone knows
• Venting does not work

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Why Writing Helps

• Better than verbal venting for resolution
• Pins down the details
• Creates a plan

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The VAK Model
Cheryl Gould The slide sys Tools but this is one
tool. Maybe just title the slide VAK model

• Dont get angry, get interested!
• focus on other person
• stay calm and curious
• The VAK Model
• visual - What I see
• auditory - What I say and hear
• kinesthetic - What I locate and move

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VAK Physical Clues

• Eye movements
• Tone of voice
• Physical behavior
• shift in posture
• hand movements
• workplace preferences
• Vocabulary

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Visual Clues
Cheryl Gould Is last bullet point words they
would say? Need quotes?

• Looks up or straight ahead
• Voice pitched higher
• Hands point up or ahead
• Prefers written communication
• Look, see, vision, watch, visualize

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Auditory Clues

• Looks towards ears
• Voice flows
• Hands towards ear phone hand
• Prefers to talk
• repeats what others say
• prefers bulleted lists
• Hear, sounds, tell, talk, chat,
  listen

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Kinesthetic Clues

• Looks down towards writing hand
• Voice lower
• Hands create, shape and lift objects
• Prefers hands-on and face-to-face
• wants more time
• prefers maps and diagrams
• Understand, get, work, move, build

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People Are Complex
Conflict Tip 3

• VAK is just one of many tools
• Use it to be calm and curious
• Ask for preferences in their words

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Words That Work

• Keep everyone in the future
• Focus on productivity
• Unconditionally constructive
• Distracts from anger and fear

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and
Words that Work

• Substitute and for but
• yes, but destroys the connection
• The new policy can be difficult to learn,
• and it still needs to be in place by Friday.

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yes
Words that Work

• Use yes as a transition word.
• Avoid I am right and you are wrong
  conversations.
• Yes, they say they returned the book and our
  records show that it is not in the library.

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can
Words that Work

• Tell them what you can do.
• I can find you a coach to help you
• learn the new policy.
• I can ask our staff to search for the
• book.

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Use Short Sentences
Cheryl Gould Add an example sentence at bottom
Words that Work

• Speak one short sentence, and wait for a response
• Count to ten
• Maintain a friendly, neutral face
• Please move the cart, instead
• of a 60-word essay.

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tell me more
Words that Work

• Please tell me more can both
• gather information
• calm you down
• Please tell me more about what happened to the
  library van.

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next
Cheryl Gould Need example sentence
Words that Work

• Next keeps you and other people
• out of the past - helpless
• in the future - possible
• Next time, please move the cart
• out of the path of the library van.

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instead
Words that Work

• Instead keeps you and other people
• out of the past - helpless
• in the future - possible
• resourceful - create options
• empowered - take action
• Instead of blaming her for the late
• report, why not call her and find out
• exactly what happened?

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despite
Cheryl Gould Fix formatting?
Words that Work

• Despite acknowledges
• there is a problem
• life isnt perfect
• Despite keeps you and others
• in the future - possible
• resourceful - create options
• empowered - take action

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satisfy
Words that Work

• Satisfy requires action
• Identifies the issue
• Provides the basis for resolution
• What change in the new graphic
• interface will satisfy you?

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Practice!
Conflict Tip 4

• Practice with friends
• Ask for feedback
• Speak with goodwill
• Do what works for you!