EarthsoftFoundation of Guidance presents - Selecting life partner

1
Choosing life partner-?
2
Index

• Marriage
• Know yourself
• Know what you want
• Rate the candidate
• Happy living
• Avoiding conflicts

3
About us

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• Social - Women empowerment, Choosing life partner

4
Objective

• To strengthen intellectual, emotional and
  spiritual aspects of your personality
• To select the best possible partner matching to
  your personalities attributes
• To be happy in fulfilling your duties and
  responsibilities towards your spouse families
• To be a mature, spiritually emotionally
  healthy and committed spouse
• To be prepared for future challenges and
  conflicts - To change grow to be better person
  and well-adjusted marriage partner

5
Reasons for marriage

• Marriage is a virtually universal human
  institution
• Right reasons to marry
• Companion throughout life, Unity
• Togetherness - Sharing good or bad moments,
  realizing dreams together
• Sharing, Loving, Caring, Giving
• Continuing generation, beautiful creation Child
• Wrong reasons to marry
• Money, or just Papers
• Position in company
• Just to have kids
• To serve ME

6
Gain

• Long term relationship stability
• Better ritual culture due to common deep
  understanding, supportive for next generation
• Improved family relationship
• Increased ownership, higher commitments
• Feeling of proud of relationship
• Feel of satisfaction delight from peaceful
  happy environment
• Financially wealthy successful
• Active participation for function celebration
• Increased morale no conflicts

7
Successful marriage

• Reasons for successful marriage
• Common skills
• Good emotional physical health
• High self esteem
• High education level
• High social status
• Pressure from society kids

8
Life span with spouse

• Life expectancy in India is about 67 years
• Average age of marriage is 25 to 28
• Thus you spend around 40 years with spouse
• Want to be memorable, happy enjoyable??
• Would not you want it to be with respect,
  trustworthy dignified?
• 2 most important steps
• Select partner with complete thought
• Thereafter spend every moment happily
• Marriage is one of the most important decision a
  human being takes in his/her life
• Choosing your life partner is the most difficult
  task

9
Predictor for success

• Parent Model
• High marriage quality in family of origin
• High level of happiness in childhood
• Positive relationship between parents
• Support from significant others
• Parent approval of spouse
• Liking of in-laws
• Support of friends

10
Start a day - Breakfast table
Decide life partner carefully!
Which scene do you want to see across the
breakfast table for the rest of your life?
11
Saying believing!

• The value of person depends upon
• Skills attained
• Knowledge acquired
• Money earned
• Assets build
• Good deeds executed
• Relations maintained
• Love spread and
• Behavior exhibited!
• There is nothing better in the world than a good
  wife. A good wife is the one whose husband
  becomes glad upon seeing her.

12
Have You!

• You have own thoughts feelings about social
  life, hobbies, religion, marriage, sex, children,
  work, careers, money management and future
• You have priorities expectations about people
  to conduct themselves post marriage
• Have you openly discussed and evaluated your
  priorities and expectations?
• Communicate honestly clearly

13
Brainstorming
Category Question
1 Marriage What makes you eligibilible for the marriage?
2 Marriage Most important points to be considered for a good marriage?
3 Marriage Have you identified your needs and expectations?
4 Personality Describe yourself in ten lines
5 Personality Write down your areas of strength weakness
6 Personality Make a list of feelings that are most prominent in you.
7 Personality Do you think you will be able to adjust to new culture?
8 Personality Are you comfortable sharing your feelings, ideas problems?
9 Personality Do you make friends easily and long lasting?
10 Personality What expectations do they have from you and your spouse?
11 Plan What plans do you have post your marital life?
12 Plan What is your financial goal in life?
13 Plan How can one prepare himself/herself for successful marital life?
14 My thoughts What are the qualities of a good husband?
15 My thoughts What are the qualities of a good wife?
16 My thoughts What are the qualities and duties of a good father?
17 My thoughts What are the qualities and duties of a good mother?
18 My thoughts How are you prepared to fulfill your duties responsibilities for spouse
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Brainstorming
Category Question
19 My thoughts Your basic approach to marriage? a team or as two independent individuals?
20 My thoughts What is your aim in life?
21 My thoughts What is your parenting philosophy?
22 My thoughts What are your need expectations from your spouse?
23 My thoughts Are you willing to sacrifice some of your expectations? If so, which ones?
24 My thoughts Do you know the rights and duties of spouses?
25 My thoughts What values do you want to bring from your family into our marriage?
26 Expectations What should you look for in your life partner?
27 Expectations List of positive habits and attitude you would love to see in your life partner.
28 Expectations List of negative habits and attitude you would hate to see in your life partner.
29 Expectations Fundamental areas that will critically cause an impact in your marriage?
30 Expectations What are the areas of compatibility? (criteria of selecting spouse )
31 Expectations Does religion play an important part in marital life?
32 Expectations What will be the impact of education on marriage?
33 Expectations Why it is important to marry in a decent family?
34 Expectations Importance of intelectual and cultural interests?
35 Expectations Importance of wealth?
36 Expectations Importance of physical appearance?
15
First step - Know yourself
Who would help?
Who am I?
How to seek help?
What I want?
What are my dreams?
What to do to be there?
16
Steps
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Evaluate yourself
Criteria Parameters Parameters Parameters
Quotient Memory Intellectual Emotional
Financial Constraints Well placed Rich
Influence Self, Friends Parental Relatives
Ability Sustain pressure Response to change Quick learner
Personality Attitude Culture Value
Traits Communication Leadership Stability
Excitement Passion to learn Enjoy to study Liking Interests
Body Thin Normal Builder
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Evaluate yourself
Criteria Parameters Parameters Parameters
Nature Entrepreneur Management Follower
Assertive Aggressive Happy go lucky
My world Social Dreamer
Disciplined Stable Dynamic
Creative Routine
Comfort level Workaholic Leisure Smart working
Career Pursue for life time Just few years House wife
Liking Art Commerce Science
Location In country At overseas
19
To decide

• Decide ideal of each for the marriage
• When
• Where
• How
• Expectations

20
When

• An ideal time would be at the end of education
  career initial period of professional career
• By law minimum age for marriage Over 18 years
  for female 21 years for male
• Before that age, the relationship will lack
  spiritual, physical, intellectual, psychological
  and financial maturity
• Females usually mature 2 years earlier
• The ideal difference in age is between 2-4 years

21
Where

• At social function
• Involving relatives friends, including
  activities such as gathering, musical nights,
  treats, trips, decoration, dances, etc
• Court
• Also at court by registration according to the
  law
• By way of religious ceremony
• By way of social gathering
• By combination of social religious
• Among mass-marriage

22
How to find

• Arranged marriage
• Communicating readiness to friends relatives
• Community based Websites search
• Love marriage
• At college, work, social life
• Types
• Endogamy Marriage within a particular group
• Exogamy Marriage outside a particular group

23
High Level expectations

• Compatibility to be checked for partner for 4
  attributes
• Intellectual, physical, spiritual and social
• Let us add another -- emotional development.
• Thus marriage and family life would be five-fold

1
2
3
4
5
24
Important similarities

• Race culture 97 marriages of same race
• Religion Issue arises if gap in practicing
  religion is too wide
• Socio-economic status Men often marry down,
  women often marry up.
• Age Gap has narrowed and age entering marriage
  has climbed
• Horoscope matching
• Match of profession status
• Residence area - Geographically locale

25
Family attributes

• High level factors related to families
  influencing marriage
• Love and respect between parents
• How they deal with relatives
• Harmony between the families
• Culture
• Communication - Ability to express feelings
• Responsibility (Level of success in life)
• Financial Status
• Health

26
Cross culture marriage

• Often it is said to be an emotional decision
• May brings in religious social cross culture
  issues where practices habits get challenged
• Non-vegetarian food for vegetarians family
• Different languages
• Loneliness during social events
• Cheating Often relationships used to cheat a
  partner sexually or financially
• Interference from the friends, you might be one
  of many!
• Partner might not be keep commitment
• Dreams reality differs deeply

27
Partnering
Caring
Loving
Sharing
Way of life Methodologies
Environment Culture
Partnering
Trust
Respect
People Families
Honesty
Dignity
Transparency
28
Expectations

• What characteristics are most important for you
  to see in your partner?
• Know crystal clear what you expect about partner
• Partner should be close to me in terms of my
• Spirituality, Financially, Academically, Physics
• Finding suitable compatible match would
  minimize many problems later
• Few will form unreal expectations of what they
  are looking for in a partner

29
Smart partner

• Aligned culture, attributes a common purpose of
  life
• Clear but realistic expectations
• Being open minded committed, open while
  expressing feelings and thoughts
• Being a refined and sensitive
• Treatment to other people
• Focus on long term relationship
• Seeing relationship as a win-win healthy
• Sincerely wanting to be together with proud,
  dignity respect and equality
• Am I hoping to change after were married?

30
Expectations

• Joint family or independent family?
• Open or conservative culture?
• Small limited family?
• Social or religious family?
• Caring loving
• Handsome, Smart, Clever
• Dreamer, ambitious?
• Simple living, high thinking? Intellectual
• Social, religious?
• In own country or overseas?
• Well to do, rich? Well settled or capable to
  settle
• More educated than me?

31
Wanting attributes

• Please check these attributes during informal
  chat or discussions

32
Questions?
Believes
Approach towards life

• Faith?
• Religious?
• Ritual?
• Humanity?
• Modesty?
• Character?
• Manners?

• Selfish? Would serve others?
• Spending money?
• Respect others?
• Stubborn?
• Any addictions?
• Quick to lose to friends?
• Ambition, greediness,
• Laziness
• Ability to forgive?

33
Questions?
Culture?
Personality?

• Friends? Social?
• Reading books?
• Browsing websites?
• Movies?
• Music?
• Spending time?

• Hobby, Habits, Health
• Decision making? Thoughtful or in rush?
• Punctuality in time?
• Like to own everything?
• Say sorry when wrong?
• Suspicious about people around?
• Humility?

34
Evaluate a candidate
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Rating
        Ideal Ideal Actual Actual
Attributes Category Wt Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating
1 Religious Enery 60 10 6   0
2 Maturity, taking everyone together Enery 70 10 7   0
3 Hobbies Enery 40 10 4   0
4 Health Enery 80 10 8   0
5 Habits Enery 70 10 7   0
6 Dreams Enery 60 10 6   0
7 Good looking- height, weight, Enery 60 10 6   0
8 Life style Enery 60 10 6   0
9 Flexibility Enery 60 10 6   0
10 Loving Caring Enery 80 10 8   0
11 Learning ability, Aptitude Edge 80 10 8   0
12 Education. Clever Edge 80 10 8   0
13 Street smartness Edge 70 10 7   0
14 Skills Edge 70 10 7   0
15 Expertise Edge 70 10 7   0
16 People connect social Engerising 60 10 8   0
17 Family background Engerising 80 10 8   0
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Rating
Attributes Category Weightage Rating Net Rating Rating Net Rating
18 Clarity communication Engerising 70 10 7   0
19 Attitude Engerising 70 10 7   0
20 Stability Engerising 70 10 7   0
21 Self motivation Execution 60 10 6   0
22 Problem solving Execution 60 10 7   0
23 Reliability Execution 70 10 7   0
24 Ambitious, Goal oriented Execution 70 10 7   0
25 Family support, well to do, settled Execution 70 10 7   0
26 Kitchen/ Service Execution 70 10 7   0
27 Independent Decision making Execution 80 10 8   0
28 Visionary Execution 80 10 8   0
29 Well organised/Planner Etiquettes 60 10 6   0
30 Self desciplined/ Punctual Etiquettes 60 10 6   0
31 Consistency Etiquettes 60 10 7   0
32 Sincerity Etiquettes 60 10 6   0
33 Value/ character Ethics 80 10 8   0
34 Believes Ethics 80 10 8   0
35 Trustworthy Ethics 80 10 8   0
350 244 0 0
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Due diligence

• Seek matrimonial resume
• Scientific method to check brotherhood by
  assuring surnames of 4 relations to be out of
  domain of candidates - thus in all16 combinations
  (self, mothers brother, fathers mothers
  mother)
• Due diligence Family background, Feedback,
  Status in society, Relationships, Reputation,
  Well to do, etc
• Cultural alignment
• Capability- Educational, Professional
• Financial stability, own accommodation?
• Checking compatibility, Check Soft skills
• Survival risks - service, job security, money
  matters
• Personality - habits, health, hobbies, etc

38
High level match
Effective relationship
39
Procedure-Arranged marriage
Seek matrimonial resume
Check brotherhood
Perform due-diligence
Invite groom his parents, family members
Meet to groom his parents family members
Y
Found ok?
Engage, Finalize Marriage plans
Meeting between Groom Bride
Is compatible?
Y
Enjoy happy married life?
40
Procedure-Love marriage
Meet, Understand, getting attracted
Check brotherhood
Continue meetings for due-diligence,
Convey to parents
Is compatible?
Y
Agreed?
Y
Parents Meet Propose
Engage, Finalize Marriage plans
Meet family members
Enjoy happy married life?
41
Happiness

• Enjoyment, pleasure, satisfaction or joy
• Derived from small to big things or events
• Might be just very few moments of entire life
  span when you were extremely happy
• Everyone is struggling to seek happiness
• Happy are those who are free from hatred,
  disease, desire and worry
• Think who was the actor to make you happy?
• Happiness brings you peaceful mind, good health,
  moments of proud
• Then why to disturb it by small issues quarrel?

42
Seven vows

• 7 Vows- Promise to God to be partner throughout
  the life
• To walk together throughtout life to get pure
  food
• To walk together for a healthy prosperous life,
  seeking physical, spiritual and mental health
• To support each other to be wealthy, asking
  strength to share the happiness and pain
  together.
• Determined for love aand rrespect for each other
  and their respective families
• Pray for the beautiful, heroic noble children
• Request for the peaceful long life with each
  other
• For companionship, togetherness, loyalty and
  understanding to be friends for lifetime
• Marriage is a symbol of purity, union of two
  different people, community and culture

43
Issues

• Lack of understanding
• Priorities differs
• Methodologies differs
• Above results in Disregard Distrust, cycle
  continues
• Missing on Loving, Caring, Sharing, Giving
• Different values
• Own world Ignoring not sharing time
• Lack approval from family (for love marriage)
• Love cannot be the basis for getting married.
  Rather, love is the result of a good marriage.
• If ingredients are right, then the love will
  continue!

44
Beware

• It is observed that good looking handsome boy or
  beautiful girl (as the case may be) is preferred
  most, overlooking other critical important
  attributes needed for compatibility!
• Men are valued for status money
• Women are valued for good looks, child rearing
  homemaking skills
• Do not marry just for the sake of
• Beauty
• Wealth
• Dowry
• Close reference

45
Beware

• Before you get married, keep both eyes ear
  open, and after you marry, close the eyes
• Before committing to someone, dont let lust,
  desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from
  others or a low self esteem make you blind to
  warning signs, keep the brain working!
• Never fool yourself
• That you can change someone
• That what you see as faults arent really that
  important

46
Dare to exit timely

• In case you receive certain confirmed inputs/
  facts contradictory to your image, understanding
  acceptance, dare to exit timely before it is
  late
• It is never the late
• Involve all stake holders of your side, discuss,
  make decision
• Do not budge once you make decision
• Explain Communicate affirmatively
• Complete the formality honestly

47
Incompatibility
Deep fry ice-cream?
48
Happily married life

• The object of marriage peaceful coexistence
• Be totally honest and kind at the same time.
• Control negative destructive impulses
• Control your anger
• Express your deepest fears, hopes, and emotions
  and everyday thoughts

49
Tips

• Beautiful tips
• Do not hit head against wall
• Know.....who matters
• Acknowledgement is the first step towards
  improvement
• Keep cool calm, grow and behave!

50
Accept totally

• Lifetime to know each other
• People do not really know each other well
• Continue applying corrections keep aligning
• Be flexible unforeseen events will happen.
• Be prepared for change people change,
  situations shift, relationships take on new
  dimensions, Couples can cope adapt
• Have a positive attitude.
• Express positive comments most of the time.
• Criticism about inadequacies eliminates emotional
  space.

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What keeps it ON

• Trust, Communication, Intimacy, Sense of humor,
  Sharing tasks, a sense of belonging
• Daily exchanges (meal, shared activity, hug,
  call, touch, notes, etc)
• Sharing common goals and interests
• Giving space to grow without feeling insecure
• Assurances of commitment
• Concern and care
• If these qualities are missing, the relationship
  will erode as resentment withdrawal, abuse,
  neglect, and dishonesty, replacing by pain!

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Key element

• Commitment as a symbol, not as a contract
• Equal focus on win-win, always!
• Trust which offers closeness, fluent
  communication synergistic relationship
• Mutual goals objectives can be achieved with
  deep support
• Continuous improve
• Timely communication responsiveness
• Involvement of partners with each other , trust
  respect for each other, must be magnified

53
Thank You