Making Difficult Conversations Easier

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Making Difficult Conversations Easier
An Infopeople Workshop 2008 Presented by Edmond
Otis, M.S., M.F.T. edmond_at_edmondotis.com
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This Workshop Is Brought to You By the Infopeople
Project
Infopeople is a federally-funded grant project
supported by the California State Library. It
provides a wide variety of training to California
libraries. Infopeople workshops are offered
around the state and are open registration on a
first-come, first-served basis. For a complete
list of workshops, and for other information
about the project, go to the Infopeople website
at infopeople.org.
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Success Covers a Multitude of
Blunders.
George Bernard Shaw
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Goals for Today

• Learn how to approach a difficult conversation
  in a way that assures success.
• Learn to understand the factors that make some
  interactions more uncomfortable then they should
  be.
• Learn the basics of good interpersonal
  communication - that makes all conversations
  easier.
• Learn how timing and focus can help us make
  difficult conversations - easier.
• Learn how to set goals and priorities so that
  difficult conversations have positive outcomes.
• Learn the incredible value of reframing in
  difficult conversations.
• Learn to recognize and deal effectively with
  difficult personalities

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Our Agenda

• What Makes Difficult Conversations Difficult?
• The Basics - Better Interpersonal Skills Make for
  Easier Conversations
• Turning Conflict into Cooperation
• Face to Face - Walking the Walk Talking the
  Talk
• Comments, Thoughts, Conclusions, Evaluations

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Part IWhat Makes Difficult Conversations
Difficult

• Lets remember to think in terms of individual
  context.
• Different conversations are difficult, for
  different people, for different reasons.
• The difficulty factor often increases when we
• Assume that the other person thinks, or feels,
  the same way about the problem as we do.
• Make assumptions about their motivations.

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Please remember, were only human.It is
impossible not to make mistakes that may offend
others. And, if we are very diligent, we can
always manage to be offended.
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So, Again, What Makes Difficult Conversations
Difficult? Is It Difficult Subjects?

• Like What?
• ?
• ?
• ?

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Is It Difficult Contexts?

• Like what?
• ?
• ?
• ?

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Is It Difficult Roles?

• Professional roles?
• What roles?
• Personal roles?
• In what way?

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Is It Difficult Personalities?

• Traits? Habits? Responses?
• What makes someone difficult?

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Is It Chemistry?

• What makes bad chemistry?
• What makes good chemistry?

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Some of It Is Fear But of What?

• The outcomes?
• Reactions?
• Consequences?
• The conflict?
• Social/conversational discomfort?
• ?

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Exercise 1 Your Most Difficult Three?
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Your Most Difficult Three...Do You See a Theme?
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Secondary GainSo, what are the benefits of
being difficult to talk to?

• In a psychological context, secondary gain
  is a term used to describe any less obvious
  benefits of non-productive behaviors or
  conditions.

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Exercise 2 Aaaggghhh!!! Im Not.But, if
I were, where would I be difficult to talk to?
I Dont.But if I did, where do I get a
secondary gain from being difficult?
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Part II - The Basics Better Interpersonal
Skills Make for Easier Conversations
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Attending Skills Are 65-85 of the Game

• Your posture and body language create a feeling
  of involvement on your part.
• Appropriate body movements and attention create a
  productive atmosphere.
• Use eye contact appropriately.
• A calm, quiet, environment allows for better
  communication.

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When Is Physical Contact
Appropriate?

• In a professional context perhaps shaking hands
  as a type of greeting.
• In a personal or friendly context (where there is
  a pre-existing personal relationship).

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When Is Physical Contact Inappropriate?

• Whenever there is the slightest chance that it
  will make someone uncomfortable.
• When it is incongruous with the social context,
  situation, topic, or preexisting relationship.

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Exercise 3 First, Lets Have an Easy
Conversation
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Exercise 4 Now, Lets Have an Easy
Meaningful Conversation an Exercise of
Interpretation, Insight, and Analysis
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Part IIITurning Conflict into Cooperation
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Everyone hits the target they aim at, dead center
every time.Unfortunately, a lot of us are
aiming too low or else we're simply shooting at
the wrong target.
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Exercise 5 Lets Identify Some Scenarios

• What are some situations that are likely to be
  difficult for you?
• What makes them difficult for you?

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Accept the Undeniable...

• Wishing that the dynamics or realities of the
  current situation were different from what they
  are will not change or improve the reality of
  what is.
• In a sense, that wish is what has made the
  situation as difficult as it is.
• Often what makes a difficult conversation
  difficult, is that an issue WILL NOT go away on
  its own. We have to do something or it stays
  bad.

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In a sense we can learn everything we need to
know about resolving a problem from a sign we see
at any mall in the country...
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X You are here
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The First Rule See Solutions

• We usually make two mistakes...
• We convince ourselves that there is only one
  perfect (usually unattainable) solution.
• We get desperate and convince ourselves that
  there is no solution.
• 
  ...usually, neither is true.

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The Second Rule Acknowledge the Difficulties

• If the conversation or subject is difficult, say
  so.
• Its OK to say what aspect of the conversation is
  difficult for you.

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The Third Rule Remember We Are Only Half of Any
Conversation

• Ultimately, we cant control how people feel or
  what they think.
• We can only do our best.
• This is both scary and liberating.

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Keep LightNo Position Is Totally Intractable

• Identify the subject - this is harder than it
  seems.
• Often we find that the difficulty is not what we
  assumed it was.

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Use the Magic of Reframing

• "Framing refers to the way a conflict is
  described or a proposal is worded reframing is
  the process of changing the way a thought is
  presented so that it maintains its fundamental
  meaning but is more likely to support resolution
  efforts...
• "The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict
  in all its richness but to help people look at it
  in a more open-minded and hopeful way."
• -- Bernard Mayer, in The Dynamics of Conflict
  Resolution

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Outcomes and Solutions

• Dont stand on principle.
• Dont make winning your goal. There may be
  nothing to win.
• The goal is to MOVE FORWARD!

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FocusHave an Outcome In Mind

• Difficult conversations are not casual chit-chat.
  Dont pretend that they are.
• Compartmentalize your emotions.
• Emotions are not thoughts! They tell us something
  important is going on but they dont tell us
  what or what to do about it.
• Thats what thoughts are for.

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... A quick word about emotions...

• FEAR throws you into an anxiety filled future
• ANGER drags you into a revenge colored past

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Exercise 6 Master the Zen of No
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Separate the People From the Problem
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Helping Difficult Personalities

• Dont be a slave to the emotions/tactics of
  others.

• The Liar
• Ms Fragile
• The Easily Insulted
• The Instigator
• And Other Favorites...

• The Bulldog
• The Bully
• The Blamer
• The Martyr
• Mr. Teflon

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The Big QuestionConfront or Avoid?

• Timing is everything the Broken Window Theory
  tells us to address problems quickly...
• Before incidents turn into patterns.
• Before small problems become large problems.
• Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a
  mountain.

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Its Usually Not Fact or Fiction

• Its More Like Rashomon there are often several
  interpretations to every story.
• Hidden Issues? You Bet! Frequently what you are
  arguing about is never the actual problem.

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Part IVFace to FaceWalking the Walk Talking
the Talk
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Use Good Following Skills to Keep Track of the
Conversation

• Get started - calmly identify the subject
• Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing
  the existing problem speak for yourself and not
  for them
• Ask useful questions don't assume you know
  someone elses motivations or thoughts
• Silence is golden allow them to speak. Dont
  speak for them.
• Acknowledge, dont challenge their feelings.

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Dont Know How to Start? Try Something Like
This...

• "I have something Id like to discuss with you
  that I think will help us work together more
  effectively.
• "Id like to talk about ____________ with you,
  but first Id like to get your point of view.
• "I need your help with what just happened. Do you
  have a few minutes to talk?
• "I need your help with something. Can we talk
  about it (soon)?" If they say, "Sure, let me get
  back to you," follow up with them.
• "I think we have different perceptions about
  _____________________. Id like to hear your
  thinking on this.
• "Id like to talk about ___________________. I
  think we may have different ideas on how to
  _____________________.
• "Id like to see if we might reach a better
  understanding about ___________. I really want to
  hear your feelings about this and share my
  perspective as well."

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Feelings Before Facts

• Feelings carry more weight than facts.
• Address your feelings in the dialogue be open
  and honest.
• Ask them about their feelings and acknowledge
  them dont make assumptions.
• Recognize, acknowledge, and verbalize that
  feelings are very important but realize they
  dont necessarily dictate actions or outcomes.
• Be Honest. Be Honest. Be Honest about yourself.

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Making a Difficult Conversation Successful Is
the Sum of All Its Parts.Even When Done
Correctly It Is Still Difficult.
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Exercise 7 Difficult Conversation
Step by Step Practice

• Take turns role playing a difficult conversation
  using the scenarios you created.

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Discussion, Questions, Observations...
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DONT FORGETPlease fill out an evaluation
before you leave.Thank you and best wishes!