Colorful multi curves

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The Right Thing to Say
B.J Paris, President National Association
Secondary School Principals
Powerpoint Templates
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 Rule of 7/84
7 of the population owns 84 of the wealth.
Dont quote me on that as I havent checked since
1984. But then I also believe that data is
something we torture until it confesses what we
want it to say. So fire me. However I believe
this ratio applies to many things. 7 of people
consume 84 of your time as a principal. Think
about it 7 of the students earn 84 of the
referrals. 7 of your teachers require 84 of
your time whether it is nurturing or performance
interventions. 7 of your parents account for 84
of your contacts. Do the research and get back
to me ?
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  Good communication will empower you to Work
smarter not harder
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  In order to spend our time doing the things
we value, we must have systems in place for the
things that we dont.
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  Our most valuable asset, and the one that
alludes us the most, is time.
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  Too much time is wasted in ineffective
meetings. We can retrieve some of that if we do
two things 1-Improve our own ability to bring
resolution to difficult conversations by using
phrases that de-escalate. 2- Train our
teachers/staff to do the same thing so that fewer
meetings are elevated to include the
administrator. The tools are the same at both
levels.
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 1 Most difficult conversations come from a
place of fear. Highlight that sentence. Keep
it in front of you at all times. No matter who
the conversation is with, everyone needs to be
valued. You may not agree on the outcomes and
maybe wont invite them to Thanksgiving dinner,
but the residual message must be one of shared
purpose. In most cases, you really do want the
same thing. When you recognize anger as fear,
you will respond more positively, your tone will
soften. You will hear the underlying message so
that you can quickly address it, rather than tap
dance around it for hours.
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 2 No scrolling If your message is so long that
a person has to scroll their email to read it, it
is too long. Pick up the phone or arrange to
meet. This ridiculous practice of putting
everything in writing to have a document trail
has hindered good communication and resolution,
not helped it.
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 3 If this is the answer, what was the
question??????? Dont respond to every statement
in an email. They are generally loaded with
emotional adjectives, conjecture and allegations
that again, come from that place of
fear. Instead, look for the question marks and
answer the questions only.
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 4 No blanket fire As you can tell I have
issues with leadership via email. It is lazy and
cowardly. It is fine for routine information
dissemination, but if the issue is sensitive or
important, then you owe the issue your bodily
presence. Stop sending out emails to the entire
staff that only concern a few people. e.g If
three teachers are late to duty, then address
only them dont send out reminders to the whole
staff - it is insulting and demoralizing to those
who are doing as you have asked. e.g If we spot
a student with a dress code violation at 2 in the
afternoon, we look silly calling the student out
on it. How egregious could it have been if they
made it this far? Just ask the student who their
first period teacher is and remind that teacher
about first period dress code check. But also
remind the student. You dont want them to come
in next day, get caught and then say But the
principal saw me yesterday and didnt say
anything
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 5 Silence Are you there? You do not have to
respond to everything that is said. Much of the
time, the person simply wants to be heard and if
you listen carefully, very little of what they
say actually contains a question. If you stay
quiet enough on a phone call, they will
eventually ask Are you there? to which you
reply, Yes absolutely, I am making sure I jot
down all your concerns so I dont miss anything.
Bingo they have been heard
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 6 Rinse Repeat 15 minute rule. 15 minutes is
the maximum time it takes to discuss any single
point in life. If you are still talking over the
same issue at minute 16, someone is repeating
themselves or you have a stalemate. When they
begin to repeat themselves it is time to say
Asked and answered-lets look now at how we can
resolve the situation
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 7 ET phone home Stop emailingHave I said that
yet? Teachers respond to parents late at night
when they are frazzled and mean comments can get
under their skin especially if they had a glass
of wine or two with dinner. No I am not joking,
we know its true. So protect your staff by
insisting they have a conversation. All they need
to say to an email is ltltThanks for your email,
Give me a call in the morning to arrange for us
to meet. My conference period is..  This
method accomplishes many things Teacher has
acknowledged the contact and responded Teacher
has set the parameters for when he/she is
available. Teacher has time to gather pertinent
documents. It puts the next step back on the
parent. Often times the parent is angry enough to
tirade via email but suddenly it is less
important if they have to actually show up, so
the issue dies a natural death.
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 7 Honour the room Who called meeting? Even if
you are in charge, it is important to begin
with Mr. Smith, you requested this meeting so
lets begin with hearing your concerns Always
support your staff in public. If they made a
mistake, then they need to own it and apologize
for it, but your job is to help them be better,
not win cool points with an angry parent.
Note The teacher is much more likely to own a
mistake and apologize if they believe you will
not crucify them later. If a parent become
rude, yells, or says abusive things/uses
profanity, you give them one opportunity to self
correct. If they continue, you get the staff
members out of the line of fire. Say Thank you
you may return to class now. Even if the parent
says Ive not finished with him yet Explain
calmly that your staff are professionals who care
about children and that you expect them to be
treated as such. Offer one more chance to
continue the conversation with the parent alone,
but failing that, tell them You are welcome to
call and set up an meeting at another time
because we all want this resolved, but that can
not be accomplished at this time.
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 8 Too much information Dont disclose too much
about your personal life. Teachers always feel as
though they owe a parent an explanation. It is
none of their business why you were not here when
they called. Their doctor doesnt give them a
detailed reason why he had to reschedule an
appointment and we wouldnt think to ask. No
matter how legitimate the reason they will turn
it against you. Ms Smith says she was at
professional development and couldnt get back to
me she sucks, clearly it isnt working!
Everyone has the flu most of us still go to
work Just say Ms Smith had a prior
commitment.
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 9 Never too busy Never waste your time telling
people how busy you are and that you have fallen
behind on your grading/emails/phonecalls. They
may empathize to your face but it will come back
to haunt you. They really dont care how stressed
your life is they only care about theirs.
Conversations about being busy only make us look
disorganized no matter how unfair that is.
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 10 No adjectives or names Only describe
behaviours not labels. Dont call a child lazy.
Instead, describe the behaviour (and yes, there
is a u in behavior ?) He puts his head down. He
does not comply when told to get out a
book Dont call a student a thief David took a
phone from a backpack which did not belong to
him Dont call a student a bully He blocked the
doorway coming out of the restroom, put the
students backpack in the toilet, bumped up
against him intentionally.
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 11 RSVP ALWAYS include the child in a
conference. Only 7 of the truth was passed on to
the parent. The other 84 of the saga is a
middle school child telling a parent whatever
they want to hear. If they are right there you
can go point by point.
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 12 Family Court We are not family court
lawyers we are educators. Do not get dragged in
the middle. For example A divorce decree
delineates dad can only pick a student up on
Thursdays and he comes on Tuesday. As long as
that dad has not relinquished his parental
rights, he can take the child anytime he wants.
The only way you can intervene is if there is a
court ordered restraining order on file. You can
always have the counselor call the other parent
just as an FYI dad is here, but thats it.
You cannot deny a parent access to a
child. Another example divorced parents dont
agree about special ed placement. You only need
one of them to agree. So if the non concensus
parent doesnt attend the ARD you have a win.
They can fight about it later.
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 13 Bring stuff Bring data. Dont go to a
conference without grades/attendance/assignments.
It makes for a very long meeting if a teacher
has to leave to get documents, and makes us look
disorganized.
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 14 The gift of time Highly valued.
Give it to staff. Begin and end on
time. If people are late, start without them. It
is rude to those who made it on
time. Adjourn if
necessary. If a meeting is allotted 40 mins,
then thats how long you meet. It is rude to 30
other students to send a sub to cover a class so
that a teacher can stay in a meeting that runs
over. But make sure you have clarified that up
front We have 40 mins dedicated to this meeting
as the teacher has another class to teach, but it
is important to us that everyone leave feeling
the situation is resolved. If we run out of time,
we shall reconvene the meeting at a time agreable
to everyone. That way there are no surprises
and it keeps the conversation going.
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 15 Professionals If educators dress and behave
professionally then they should be treated as
such. If they are sloppy, then their words will
not have gravitas. Casual Friday is not a good
day to have a serious conversation.
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 16 Drive From Daniel H. Pink, the author of the
bestselling A Whole New Mind, comes a
paradigm-shattering look at what truly motivates
us and how we can use that knowledge to work
smarter and live better. Many leaders still
believe that the best way to motivate is with
external rewards like moneythe carrot-and-stick
approach. Thats a mistake. The people on your
staff are driven by different things. Purpose Belo
nging Mastery Autonomy This really is a whole
different staff development which I would be
happy to bring to you, but in the meantime, read
this book. It will help you see what the right
thing to say is for different people.
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 17 Speak with One Voice Part of knowing the
right thing to say includes knowing the wrong
thing to say. Public perception of education is
not crafted in the corridors of political power,
it is crafted in the grocery line. Every a time
teacher or principal stops at the checkout and
mentions what a tough day they have had, the
listener imagines the worst. Coach you staff to
keep their griping on campus and at home. Thats
what spouses are for. ?
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  Now for some examples to take with
you. (This was presented as a different power
point in Missouri, but I have combined them
here).
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(No Transcript)
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Sample Things to Say

• Knowing the right thing to say takes practice.
• Think in sound bites.

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I love my job
No worries
As much time as you need
I am living the dream
I was watching Oprah eating bonbons
A bad day here is better than a good day anywhere
else

• Sending a positive message

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OOPS
Oops
You made an error in judgement
We are not giving your chair away
Love you, just not in love with the choice you
made in this situation
If that is the worst mistake you make in school,
you will be just fine

• Choices and outcomes
• Rather than disciplinary violation and
  consequence
• Focus words on recovery

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Expectations
When you use your power, you lose your power
Time on task
Step away from the door during hall duty
interact with students
Not a hill worth dying on
The non negotiables

• You staff needs to know what you look for. No
  surprises

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Questions
Where does this add value?
Will you help me see what you see?
Is it a hill worth dying on?
Etched in stone or jello?
What will that look like?

• Clarify your understanding and their thinking

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Single words
Going to reflection (detention)
Staff Centre (lounge)
Students/Ladies Gentlemen (kids)
Our school (my)
Learning Center (In school suspension)
Planning assessment
(off period)
Collaboration (conference period)

• Labels send powerful messages

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In it together
I am just glad you are here
Those are interesting points to consider
You are being an advocate for your child
Our anger comes from fear as parents
I would love a hundred more like you

• The cafeteria halls are my classroom

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Defend your staff
..Has a prior commitment
..Has passion and enthusiasm
She does Whatever it takes
I insist they have a life
I wish my child had been in that class

• Compliment your staff to everyone.
• They are all that counts when the door closes

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But never forget that sometimes the best thing to
say is nothing.
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My colleague received this message one day.

• rom 3088301311_at_vzwpix.comTo josgood_at_esu11.orgS
  ent Thu, May 3, 2012 124637 GMT0000Subject 
  
• FW From 3088303752 Call 3088303752 Msg U will
  not have ur way with our kids no more after this
  year we are done with minden and you sniff in
  some one elses shit to make your self feel
  betterüBmWü

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When I asked him how he responded, he said

• I didnt. You taught me to look for the
  questions marks.
• John gets an A for this class ?

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  Ticket out the door Jot down one thing you
can use Monday morning, Next semester Next year
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The send me your ideas to add to this presentation
Website Bjparis.org Email bjparis7_at_gmail.com Tw
itter _at_parisbjp Phone [phone]