Genderalizations

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Genderalizations
How to Best Ask for and Receive Support from the
Opposite Sex
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• http//www.youtube.com/watch?vOMgu7cBJ9Yw
• http//www.youtube.com/watch?v2VRhVoghoMEfeature
  related (part 1)

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Man Woman Need Each Other

• Man is born to meet woman and woman is born to
  meet man. And man and woman together are born to
  combine with a higher level of love, God's love.
  Neither man nor woman can touch God's higher love
  by themselves. Father
• One benefit of marriage is the distinctive
  honesty, realism, and wisdom taught by each sex
  to the other. Michael Novak

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How Well Do You Know Male Female Differences?

• True or False?
• Men have a better sense of direction
• Women have a better memory for details
• Men talk more than women in a mixed crowd
• Women can better pack many things into a van
• Men can find things better in the fridge
• Women rate their marriages higher than their
  husbands

1. Mens arms are straighter
2. Women have 20 more red blood cells
3. The two sides of female brains are more
   interconnected
4. Men have stronger immune systems
5. Women can read others emotions better
6. Mens brains are 90 active when resting vs.
   womens 30

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Which Are Top Love Needs for Women? For Men?

• Trust Autonomy
• Connection
• Affection Specialness
• Sexual Satisfaction
• Support at Home
• Acceptance Appreciation

• Conversation
• Respect
• Security
• Shared Recreation
• Understanding
• Peace at Home

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Among Top Female Needs
1. Connection 2. Affection 3. Honesty
Openness 4. Shared Conversation 5. Security 6.
Support at Home

• Related fears
• Disconnection
• Isolation
• Threat
• Being overwhelmed

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Among Top Male Needs
1. Respect 2. Acceptance Appreciation 3.
Shared Recreation 4. Sexual Satisfaction 5.
Peace at Home 6. Trust Autonomy

• Related fears
• Shame
• Incompetence
• Failure to protect and provide

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Loving the Opposite Sex May Mean Giving What You
Wouldnt Want

• Men and women react to stress differently
• So they cope and desire support in almost
  opposite ways
• They offer support in the way they like to
  receive it

• The Golden Rule Give what you would want to
  receive
• The Platinum Rule Give what the other needs even
  if you cant understand it

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How Do Women Like to Receive Give Support?
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How Women Like to Receive Give Support

• Female stress response Tend Befriend
• 1. Women prefer to talk about a distressing
  situation
• Explore their thoughts and feelings
• Connect with others by sharing problems
• So she thinks that her man needs to talk when
  upset

• 2. Women like to gather ideas from others to
  solve problems
• So she offers her suggestion freely when she sees
  he has a problem

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How Do Men Like to Receive Give Support?
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How Men Like to Receive Give Support 1

• Mens stress response Fight or Flight
• 1. Men like to take action and fixproblems
• Only mentioningproblems when they want help
• So he offerssolutions when she shares
  somedistress

• 2. When ready, men tend to tackle problems by
  themselves
• They mull over it, talking only to gather
  needed information and then later to report the
  outcome
• So he wants to give her space to be alone when
  she is troubled

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How Men Like to Receive Give Support 2

• Mens stress response Fight or Flight
• 3. Men often like to retreat from a problem to
  attack it later
• Relieve stress through distractions
• So he tells his woman to think of something
  else when upset

• 4. Men also tend to conserve energy, and focus
  only on what is most important
• So he reassures her that her concern is not
  important enough for her to feel so stressed

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What Does He Need?

• Taka had a big job interview today. Merly had
  texted him her best wishes at midday and he had
  thanked her. She had heard nothing more. Now she
  hears him come home and slip past her into the
  bedroom. How did it go?, she asks him. Not so
  good, he answers, glued to his computer.

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Offering Support
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Rules for Giving Support to a Man

• 1. Give him permission not to talk about it
• Dont push him to talk
• Let him know you are available when he wants to
• 2. Ask, What do you think, not How do you
  feel?
• He either may not know his feelings, or it may
  not seem helpful to explore them
• 3. Avoid pointing out his mistake or failure
• He likely knows it very well
• 4. Express trust in his ability I believe in
  you
• Dont offer suggestions unless he asks

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Rules for Men Receiving Support

• If you need time alone or to distract yourself,
  remind your woman that it is temporary
• Share something of your thoughts and feelings so
  your wife feels emotionally connected
• If you have made a mistake, apologize

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What Does She Need?

• Merly had a big job interview today. Taka had
  been tied up at work all day and comes home to
  find her quietly making dinner. How did it go?,
  he asks him. Not so good, she answers, chopping
  vegetables and not looking at him.

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Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 1

• 1. Invite her to talk, so she can feel better
• She needs to feel you understand her
• 2. Listen with all of your attention
• Turn from other activities and look at her
• Offer signs of listening and encouragement to
  talk
• 3. Dont expect to necessarily follow her logic
• She may just be releasing stress in many areas of
  her life at once

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Rules for Giving Support to a Woman 2

• 4. Dont fix her negative feelings
• Dont tell her not to feel the way she does
• 5. Offer physical affection
• Hold her hand, or give her a hug
• 6. Serve her with many
• small, thoughtful gestures
• Helps her feel less overwhelmed

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Rules for Woman Receiving Support

• Remind your man that he is not to blame for all
  that feels difficult in your life at the moment
• Tell him if he is not expected to fix your
  problems
• Express appreciation for his listening, and how
  it helps you

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Asking For Support
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How Men Women Are Different Regarding Asking
for Help

• 1. Women like to receive offers of support
• They actively anticipate others needs and try to
  meet those needs without being asked
• So she assumes he would see her need and help
• She delays asking for help until she is resentful
  and then she sounds critical
• 2. Men like to be self-sufficient
• Asking for support can seem weak or incompetent
• Unsolicited advice looks the same
• So he may not offer her support unless asked

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Rules for Asking Men for Support

• 1. Make your request clear and simple
• No need for long reasons and justifications
• 2. Use would you and will you
• Avoid could you and can you, which question
  ability
• 3. Ask him to do projects
• He prefers specific tasks with a clear goal and
  ending
• That can be done independently, rather than
  constantly consulting you

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Rules for Asking Men for Support

• 4. Express appreciation if he says yes
• If he does not follow through, assume it
  slipped his mind and remind him once
• 5. If he says no, accept it graciously
• He can easily hear requests as demands
• Dont express disappointment right then so it
  looks like you are trying to control him through
  guilt

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Rules for Asking Women for Support

• 1. Ask clearly and briefly
• 2. If she says no, she is feeling overwhelmed
• She is likely to say yes even when feeling
  burdened
• 3. Offer an exchange of support
• Would you please do ____ and is there something
  I could do in return to help you out?
• 4. Express appreciation and love

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Discussion What Applies to Us?
1. What rules for your gender seemed to apply
to you? Share this with each other. 2. Has your
mate given support in a way that you appreciated?
Tell them.
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