Love, Sexual Relationships

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Love, Sexual Relationships Communication

• Human Sexuality
• NSG 3403
• Marie Ahrens

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Love Quotes

• Love is an attempt at penetrating another being,
  but it can only succeed if the surrender is
  mutual. Octavio Paz
• Love is the word used to label the sexual
  excitement of the young, the habituation of the
  middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the
  old. John Ciardi
• The first duty of love is to listen. Paul Tillich

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Love Quotes

• When hes late for dinner, I know hes either
  having an affair or is lying dead in the street.
  I always hope its the street.
• Jessica Tandy on her husband Hume Cronyn

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What is love?

• Difficult to define
• can mean different things to different people
• difficult to measure

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• Rubins love scale
• 3 components
• attachment desire for physical presence
  emotional support
• caring concern for each others well-being
• intimacy desire for close confidential
  communication
• some validity to this measure
• weak lovers made less eye contact than strong
  lovers

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Types of Love

• Passionate love (infatuation or romance)
• intense psychological feeling
• physiological arousal
• typically, strong sexual desire
• early in relationship - avoid conflict, overlook
  faults, complete fulfillment
• short-lived ? transition to different love, or
  ending of relationship

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Types of Love

• Companionate Love
• friendly affection deep attachment
• extensive familiarity thoughtful appreciation
  with tolerance for short-comings
• commitment to nurturing problem-solving
• richer, more meaningful sexuality

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Types of Love

• Sternbergs triangular theory
• 3 components
• passion - motivation that fuels romance,
  attraction desire
• intimacy - sense of bondedness, warmth, sharing,
  closeness
• commitment - conscious decision to love
  maintain relationship

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Types of Love

• passion builds, intensifies, then fades intimacy
  commitment continue to build
• presence or absence of different components
  account for variations in kinds of love
• research limited, but some support especially
  for intimacy commitment as predictors of
  stability

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Lees Styles of Loving

• Romantic (eros) physical beauty, tactile
  pleasure
• Game playing (ludus) fun, casual, conquests
• Possessive (mania) obsessive, jealous,
  roller- coaster Ups Downs
• Companionate (storge) slow to develop,
  enduring , peaceful quiet
• Altruistic (agape) selfless, caring,
  compassionate, no expectation of
  reciprocation
• Pragmatic (pragma) rational, practical, shared
  interests, mutual satisfaction

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Lees Styles of Loving

• Research is limited
• eros agape had correlation with satisfaction
  at all ages
• ludus had - correlation
• storge had correlation only for couples with
  children at home
• mania pragma unrelated

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Falling in love Why and with whom?

• The chemistry of love
• neurotransmitters in brain like amphetamines
• norepinephrine
• dopamine
• phenylethylamine (PEA)
• body builds tolerance for PEA ? diminished
  giddiness euphoria
• endorphins may be responsible for deeper
  attachments produce sense of tranquility,
  security
• loss/potential loss of loved one may be similar
  to drug withdrawal

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Falling in love Why and with whom?

• Proximity
• familiarity breeds liking mere exposure effect
• familiarity breeds predictability ? greater
  comfort
• Similarity
• share similar interests activities
• communicate better
• confirm own views experiences
• supportive of values beliefs

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Falling in love Why and with whom?

• Reciprocity
• when someone shows they like us, we tend to
  like them back!
• Positive reactions to flattery, compliments,
  attention
• ?s likelihood of rejection
• Physical attractiveness
• aesthetically pleasing - infant studies early
  preference for attractiveness
• whats beautiful is good belief
• status by association
• most important in early stage of relationship

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Development of Intimacy

• Self-love
• genuine interest, concern, respect for self
• prerequisite for satisfying relationship with
  others
• Phases of relationship
• inclusion response
• care trust
• affection playfulness
• genitality

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Issues in loving relationships

• Relationship between love sex
• several possibilities
• questions to ask
• does sexual intimacy deepen a love relationship?
• Do men women have different views of sex
  love?
• Does sexual orientation affect views of sex
  love?

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Issues in loving relationships

• Sex relationships on your terms
• each person has to decide how to express own
  sexuality
• steps to take
• knowing what you want
• asking for what you want
• saying not yet to sex
• ending a relationship
• managing rejection

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Issues in loving relationships

• Jealousy in relationships
• definition an aversive feeling in response to
  real or imagined relationship between ones
  partner another
• jealousy prone person
• low self-esteem, high value on wealth, fame,
  popularity, attractiveness
• negative consequences
• precipitates violence, stifles developing
  relationship pleasure, ?anxiety, depression,
  anger
• numerous gender differences- triggers, coping,
  experiences

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Maintaining relationship satisfaction

• Ingredients in a lasting love relationship
• self-acceptance
• appreciation of others qualities
• commitment
• good communication
• realistic expectations
• shared interests
• ability to face deal with conflict

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Maintaining relationship satisfaction

• Sexual variety
• communication is critical
• vary times places
• be open to spontaneous experiences
• plan time together, dates
• discuss what is comfortable vs normal
• read discuss books, videos on sexual
  techniques

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Communication
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Importance of Communication

• Key Mutual Empathy
• Why sexual communication is difficult
• socialization messages that ?shame
  discomfort re sexuality lack of role models
  - role models
• limited vocabulary too clinical,harsh, juvenile
• gender-based differences M inform or gain
  status/power W achieve intimacy/closeness
• anxiety more vulnerable

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Talking Getting Started

• Ice breakers
• talk about talking- it is hard to talk
• read discuss - may be easier, less threatening
• share sexual histories
• Listening and Feedback
• Active listening genuine interest
• Feedback interest understanding
• Acknowledge communication efforts mutual
  empathy, ? trust
• Unconditional positive regard Caring no
  matter what is said
• Paraphrasing ?understanding can correct
  misunderstanding

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Discover your partners needs

• Questioning yes-no structured, ? information
  either-or some structure, ?information
  open-ended ? structure, information
• Self-disclosure elicits disclosure small
  disclosures then build back off or slow down if
  partner threatened
• Comparing notes before sex (avoid slow or
  frustration trial error discoveries) after sex
  (reinforce pleasurable activities ?intimacy)
• Giving permission before (encourage support
  efforts to talk) after (reassure reinforce)

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Learning to make requests

• Responsibility for own pleasure (partner -not
  guessing or doing all work)
• Make specific requests (to clarify, understand, ?
  compliance)
• Use I language (assertive, not selfish, try
  non-sexual 1st, if ? during sexual situation
  try again when relaxed)

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You versus I messages

• You
• You make me so mad!
• You are such an inconsiderate jerk!
• Cant you ever be sensitive to my feelings?
• I feel like are always criticizing me.
• Stop being so sarcastic.

• I
• It hurts me when you hang up the phone do not
  say goodbye.
• I get frustrated when I have dinner ready at 6
  and you dont get here till 7.
• I feel like I dont matter to you.
• That hurt when you called me chunky last night.
• That sounded sarcastic to me. Was it intended to
  be?

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Giving Receiving Criticism

• Constructive criticism strategies ? your
  motivation- STOP if hurt, humiliate, blame,
  ridicule, or getting even choose time place -
  STOP if public, angry, ? time, stressed,
  impaired, preoccupied praise criticism - ask
  for feedback ?small steps change ? why
  questions One complaint at a time express anger
  appropriately appreciation for partner, focus
  anger on behavior not person, use I not You
  statements (blaming)
• Receiving criticism take deep breath, count to
  10 empathize, paraphrase acknowledge a basis
  for complaint ask clarifying questions
  verbalize feelings about criticism not act out
  focus on changes possible

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Saying NO

• Reasons this is difficult
• fear of hurting other person
• fear other persons anger, aggression
• Three-step approach
• appreciate request (thanks)
• clearly define (I prefer not to)
• possibly offer an alternative (how about)
• Avoid sending mixed messages
• consistent words actions
• if receive mixed message, clarify

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Nonverbal Sexual Communication

• Facial expressions pleasure or displeasure
  anger, anxiety or interest enthusiasm can
  misread - clarify
• Interpersonal distance signals desire for
  intimacy contact OR rejection withdraw
• Touching sounds tempo, pressure, location
  signal desires total silence or raucous sounds
  may offend or inhibit discuss preferences

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Impasses

• Talking may not solve every problem or guarantee
  desired change
• Additional steps to try
• validate your partners view, maintain
  legitimacy of your own (agree to disagree)
• take a break from each other agree to revisit
  the issue at another time
• grant each other the right to live by own beliefs
• consider counseling if impasse threatens
  relationship

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Resources

• Websites http//www.wwme.org/
• http//www.umr.edu/counsel/assert.html
• Diversity Boxes chapters 7 8

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THE END
BUT THIS IS REALLY JUST THE BEGINNING!!