Working with Difficult People

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Working with Difficult People

• STC Orange County Chapter
• Irvine, California
• August 20, 2002

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My Objectives

• Why people are difficult
• Types of difficult behavior
• Coping skills and techniques to help you
  communicate

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Format of Presentation

• Present some concepts/ideas
• Divide audience into working groups
• Each group complete exercise
• Come back together to discuss results
• Brainstorm a couple of situations from the
  audience
• Close with some other thoughts

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• The most important single ingredient in the
  formula of success is the knack of getting along
  with people.
• - Theodore Roosevelt

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Why Are People Difficult?

• People feel
• Rushed not enough time
• Insecure
• Angry
• And have some need or interest
• Stressed!!!

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Why People Are Difficult . . . In The
Workplace

• Corporate attitudes push to higher productivity
  create conflict.
• Many corporate messages state that conflict is
  good.

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Conflict is good

• Conflict is the gadfly of thought. It stirs us
  to observation and memory. It instigates to
  invention. It shocks us out of sheeplike
  passivity, and sets us at noting and contriving.
  Conflict is the sine qua non of reflection and
  ingenuity.
• - John Dewey
• American educator and philosopher

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Conflict is good ...

• Clearly, conflict is vital for todays lean and
  mean times. It can be the imaginative and
  interactive energy source firing Purpose, Passion
  and the sharing of Powerthree Ps for
  productivity.
• - Mark Gorkin
• www.stressdoc.com

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Results of Conflict

• Win/Lose attitudeWinning isnt everything its
  the only thing. - Vince Lombardi
• Who is the loser?
• How do we treat the loser?
• How do we talk about the loser?
• What happens when we interact with the loser?

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Scenario 1
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A Difficult Person Can Be ...

• Hostile-Aggressive
• Know-It-All
• Yes-Person
• Whiner
• Never-Say-A-Word
• Indecisive Staller

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Hostile AggressiveAKA The Tank

• Bullies their way toward the results they want.
• Belittles you in front of anyone.
• Tries to convince you that you are doing a poor
  job when you are doing great.

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Dealing with The Tank

• If possible, get them to sit down.
• Dont back down. Let them vent. Dont take it
  personally. Step away from the emotion.
• Identify their issuethe facts of the matter.
• Explain benefits of your point of view. Express
  your side in factual terms.
• Allow aggressor to save face.

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The Know-It-All

• Control people and events by dominating
  conversation with lengthy, imperious arguments.
• Tries to find flaws in everything.

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Dealing with the Know-It-All

• Know your facts. Be prepared.
• Listen carefully and paraphrase the main points.
• Use questions to raise issues.
• If necessary, subordinate yourself to avoid
  static and commit yourself to building a more
  equal relationship in the future.

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The Yes-Person

• Answers Yes to every request without thinking
  about what is being promised .
• Has deep-seated anxiety and a lot of resentment.
• Seeks approval and avoids disapproval.
• And even if all the promises can be kept, the
  Yes-Person no longer has a life!

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Dealing with the Yes-Person

• Work to get to the underlying issues.
• Tell how much you value them as people.
• Give them permission to say No.
• Ask them to tell about any aspect of your product
  that is not as good as the best.
• Listen to their humor -- hidden messages?

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The Whiner

• Avoids taking responsibility.
• Wants sympathy.
• Has negative view of the world.
• Its important for these people to get their
  opinions across. If you ignore them, they
  increase their protests.

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Dealing with the Whiner

• Dont respond if they are blaming you. Dont
  sympathize if they are at fault.
• Make a list of all complaints from constant
  complainers before you discuss problem.
• Make sure the facts are correct.
• Make the Whiner propose solutions on they can fix
  the problem.

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The Never-Say-A-WordAKA The Clam

• Timid, uncomfortable, and uncertain.
• Wants to avoid conflict or hurting anyone.
• Often feels angry because the wrong decision
  was made.
• Some cant relate authentically or speak honestly.

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Dealing with The Clam

• Try to draw them out about topics that are
  non-threatening.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• Wait for a response -- calmly. (Dont fill the
  silence with your chatter.)
• If you get no response, comment on whats
  happening. End your comment with an open-ended
  question.

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The Indecisive Staller

• Could be an overwhelmed Yes-Person.
• Could be a procrastinator.
• Has reservations about the project.
• Doesnt organize or prioritize work.

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Dealing with the Staller

• Help document their goals and deadlines
• Listen for indirect words, hesitations.
• Ask them how you can help them achieve their
  goals.
• Follow up on intermediate deadlines. Hold them
  to the deadlines.
• Make it easy for them to tell you what is
  preventing their action.

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Scenario 2
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And What About You...
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Its All About ATTITUDE!

• You are not going to change THEM.
• You will have to work with THEM.
• You are the one who can make the change.
• Make it happen!

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Principles of Human Behavior

• All people are motivated .
• You cannot motivate others you can provide the
  environment, skills, etc.
• People do things for their reasons, not ours.
• We are all different...Relationships should
  complement and complete each other.

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Thought Is Conveyed By...
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Slow Down the Listening

• Speaker says 120 wpmListener can absorb 800
  wpm.
• Our eyes see the equivalent of 50 million words
  per minute 10,000,000 times more than we hear.
• Humans use some 250,000 facial signals and
  700,000 physical signals when communicating with
  one another.

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Communication Is The Key...

• Be clear about what is to be done.
• Be clear about who is to do it.
• Two parts to the message
• Speaker has an image
• Listener has an image
• Are they the same?

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Truisms? in Communicating

• People always pay attention when you speak.
• When someone says I know, they really do know
  it.
• Speaking loudly assures understanding.

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Offline Coping Techniques

• Dont take their behavior or words personally.
• Write down details of what annoys you.
• Think about why it annoys you.
• Which of your buttons does this person push? Why
  do you respond to them in the way you do?

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Offline Coping Techniques (continued)

• How would you like to respond? List the
  advantages of different responses.
• Monitor yourself.
• Give yourself positive feedback when you succeed
  in not getting caught up in the emotions of
  difficult people.
• Be a happier person by handling all those you
  encounter with charm and grace.

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Some Final Tips

• Get to know the people you need to influence.
• Small talk can be better than no talk at all.
• Join forces in a common cause.
• Dont be afraid to ask for input or assistance.
• Give more of your share of the credit and take
  more than your share of the blame.

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Some Final Tips (continued)

• Give support where needed.
• Be an information broker.
• Learn to keep it light.
• Dont forget to smile.

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Additional Reading

• Dealing With People You Cant Stand by Rick
  Brinkman and Rick Kirschner
• Games People Play by Berne Eric, M.D.
• Since Strangling Isnt An Option by Sandra A.
  Crowe
• Mastering the Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense
  by Susan Haden Elgin

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Interesting Website s

• www.stressdoc.com
• www.workingwounded.com
• www.negotiationskills.com
• www.bolmer.com
• www.netslaves.com

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Comments! Questions??

• Deirdre De Murr o 818.544.6830
• f 818.544.6820 e deirdre.a.murr_at_disney.
  com