ElaborationWeek 2

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ElaborationWeek 2

• OSPI High School Instructional Support Materials
  for Writing
• These materials were developed by Washington
  teachers to help students improve their writing.
• Version 2

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Purpose

• To share teaching strategies that will help
  students develop a piece of writing that
  elaborates on a single idea and addresses the
  needs and interests of a particular audience.
• Elaboration is critical for clear and
  effective writing.

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AgendaWeek 2

• Monday- Elaboration- anecdotes, examples, and
  definitions.
• Tuesday- Elaboration- facts and statistics,
  quotations, and descriptions
• Wednesday- Telling vs. Showing
• Thursday- Layering
• Friday- Writing on Your Own, Vocab Quiz

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AgendaDay 1

• Bell Work- Finish The Interesting Life of
  Olaudah Equiano in Textbook, p. 56. Write on
  question 1, page 66.
• Define elaboration
• Quick write
• Identify elaboration strategies
• anecdotes or scenarios
• examples
• definitions
• facts and statistics
• quotations
• descriptions
• Reflect

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What is Elaboration?
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Definition of Elaboration

• Elaboration means. . .
• To tell the reader more using
• Specific words
• Extensions (phrases, clauses)
• Onion-like layering of detail
• Specific strategies, e.g., anecdotes or scenario,
  lists for specificity, examples, definitions,
  descriptions, quotations, statistics, and facts.

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Quick Write

• Think about how you would respond to this
  statement American freedom is founded on
  African slavery.
• What kind of details would you want to know?
• What kind of details were left out?
• Why is having enough information important?

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What does elaboration look like?

• ANECDOTES -- An anecdote is a short narrative
  inserted into an essay that develops an idea or
  argument. This sounds like. . .

I remember the time when I first became aware of
race
When I was traveling in Africa I noticed that
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Develop your point with an anecdote.
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing
but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping
Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from
every land - every color, and class, and rank
high officials and the beggar alike - all snored
in the same language." Malcolm X
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Anecdotes - your turn

• Think of a story you might have about how your
  happiness (livelihood, comfort, etc.) coming at
  the expense of someone (individual or group)
  else.
• Brainstorm some stories you could use to weave
  into that essay.
• On your own paper, write a short anecdote that
  might work.
• Share this with your partner.
• Discuss the images in the anecdote that are
  vivid.

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What does elaboration look like?

• EXAMPLES -- provide more specific information
  about an idea. This sounds like. . .

The cats were all acting like they were crazy.
For example, one jumped at me
We had a barrage of different weather last week
hail, rain, snow, and sunshine.
My brothers always seem to pick on me. For
instance, they hide my soccer shoes before a game.
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Develop your point with an example.
The game of golf can be played for an entire
lifetime and by yourself. People of any age can
go out and play a round of golf whenever they
want as opposed to team sports. For example,
football, soccer, and volleyball take an entire
team of people to play. How many times are you
going to call up ten or more of your friends and
go play sports?
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Examples - your turn

• Examples are an effective way to help the reader
  understand your ideas.
• Think about racial inequality in our society
  today and write two examples.
• Share them with your partner.
• How do the examples help explain?

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What does elaboration look like?

• DEFINITIONS -- are a restatement of an unfamiliar
  word or phrase to tell the reader what it means.

The best part of our hot lunch program is the A
La Carte. What I mean is the little deli line-up
past the lunch line where you can buy cookies,
slushies, and candy bars.
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Develop your point with a definition.
One of the best programs at our school is
something called Brainworks. Brainworks is an
after-school program where kids go and do their
homework. They even let you work on the computers
there. I like it a lot because the lady who runs
the program keeps everyone pretty quiet. At my
house, I have 6 little brothers and sisters, and
there is never a quiet place to work.
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Definition - your turn

• Defining specific words shows an awareness of
  your audience--what they know and what they may
  not know.
• Talk to your partner about some of the words you
  didnt recognize in our reading today. Write a
  definition of one word for your friends (other
  than the one in the book). and then write a
  definition of that same word for a third grader.
• How did your definition change depending on the
  audience?

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Reflection

• In your own words, define elaboration.
• Why is it important?
• What kind of changes will you make in your
  writing now that you have learned about
  elaboration?

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AgendaDay 2

• Bell Work- Review Equiano- write down a few notes
  to Question 7 on page 66.
• Review elaboration strategies
• anecdotes or scenarios
• examples
• Definitions
• Introduce more elaboration strategies
• facts and statistics
• quotations
• descriptions
• Reflect

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What does elaboration look like?

• STATISTICS and FACTS -- are the numbers (data)
  and information that help support your idea or
  argument.

Mom, did you know that 98 of all my friends get
to stay up until 100 AM on weekends?
Well, Son, did you know that 3 out of every 4
parents would have grounded you for staying out
so late?
Kids who smoke at an early age are prone to heart
attacks later in life.
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Develop your point with facts and statistics.
Another craze to sweep America was the low-carb
diet. It was reported in the newspaper after the
last holiday season that 67 of all Americans
were low-carb dieting. Let me tell you the
personal impact that has had on my familys wheat
farm here in Washington.
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STATISTICS and FACTS your turn

• Think of what these statistics would convince the
  audience.
• Racial segregation in the nation's schools is
  higher than it's been since 1968.

Skyline High School- in one of the wealthiest
suburbs in King County
Rainier Beach High School- in one of the poorest
neighborhoods in King County

• Talk to your partner about how these details
  might support a thesis about how slavery still
  might affect us today.

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What does elaboration look like?

• QUOTATIONS -- are words someone says that can
  help support your idea or argument.

Spaying or neutering dogs and cats is the single
best gift a pet owner can give.
Dr. Stein, the veterinarian from the animal
shelter, agreed when he said,
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Develop your point with quotations.
Another reason to graduate from high school is
that even technical jobs require a diploma.
Jared Turner from Best Performance Welding
magazine states, We wont even consider hiring a
person without a high school diploma. Our
workers need to read the job specs, monitor
equipment performance, and write orders and
reports. Turner went on to describe the many
qualified applicants who compete for the
positions in his busy firm. This seems to be
different from the good old days and makes a
pretty decent point about staying in school.
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QUOTATION your turn

• Quotations or simple dialogue can add information
  and credibility to your idea or argument.
• With your partner, work out a plan of 3 people
  who you might interview to do a paper on the
  lingering effects of slavery on the U.S.
• For each, explain how each person might lend
  weight to your argument.

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Quotations - your turn

• Can I use stats like quotations? Sure!
• Take the statistic in your last example and turn
  it into a quotation.
• 68 percent- from The Seattle Times- September 24,
  2005.
• Graphs- from the Office of the Superintentendant
  of Public Instruction of WA State.
• Share one example with the class.

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What does elaboration look like?

• DESCRIPTIONSare a way to create vivid images for
  the reader.

The sound of my phone cut through the silent
class, and I anxiously dug into my backpack to
grab it before Mrs. Schuman, the writing
teacher, noticed. Pawing through Chapstick,
lipstick, gum wrappers and rubber hair wraps, my
hand darted around the deep pockets of my
backpack. Mustshut off ringer,I thought.
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Develop your point with description.
I was now persuaded that I had gotten into a
world of bad spirits and that they were going to
kill me. Their complexions too differing so much
from ours, their long hair and the language they
spoke (which was very different from any I ever
heard) united to confirm me in this belief.
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Description - your turn

• Description can take many forms and still be
  effective. Show, dont just tell, your reader.
  Be specific with your word choice. Try to create
  an image that appeals to your readers senses.
• Work with your partner and write a paragraph that
  describes your schools cafeteria. Elaborate
  using sensory details.

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Reflection

• In your own words, define elaboration.
• Why is it important?
• What kind of changes will you make in your
  writing now that you have learned about
  elaboration?

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AgendaDay 3

• Read- Native American Works- p. 22-25
• Review elaboration strategies
• Quick write
• Identify specific details vs. general language
• Show, dont tell
• Reflect

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Where is the elaboration?

• The main reason I love Halloween is the candy.
  Oh my gosh, its like heaveneven for big kids.
  What Im trying to say is that my mom lets me
  collect and eat all the mini candy bars, fruity
  treats, and sour chewies that I can. When I get
  to heaven, it will have all those kinds of candy.
  Last year, I was running out the door at 530,
  pillowcase in hand, hitting the houses in my
  neighborhood with my friend Steven. You might
  not believe it but I got 237 individual servings
  of candy, and it was my highest record yet. I
  figure at 20 pieces a day it took me 12 days to
  polish it all off. Theres nothing better than
  candy if youre a kid.

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Where is the elaboration?

• What Im trying to say is that my mom lets me
  collect and eat all the mini candy bars, fruity
  treats, and sour chewies that I can.
• DEFINITION

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Where is the elaboration?

• Last year, I was running out the door at 530,
  pillowcase in hand, hitting the houses in my
  neighborhood with my friend Steven.
• ANECDOTE

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Where is the elaboration?

• You might not believe it, but I got 237
  individual servings of candy, and it was my
  highest record yet. I figure at 20 pieces a day,
  it took me 12 days to polish it all off.
• STATISTICS

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Quick Write

• The difference between the best word and a good
  word is the difference between lightning and a
  lightning bug.
• -Mark Twain
• What did you think Twain meant by this?

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Words Are Like Rocks
They come in all sizes. Small rocks represent
small words big rocks represent big words. BUT
. . .
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Rocks are not as strong as CONCRETE.
CONCRETE details are the specific, exact names of
things. Using CONCRETE details will make your
paper stronger, just like CONCRETE makes a
building stronger. Concrete details are SPECIFIC.
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Be specific.

• Your word choices do not have to be
• Big words,
• Fancy words,
• Words from a thesaurus,
• Single words, but can be phrases or clauses.
• Remember, to elaborate powerfully and
  effectively, you need to be SPECIFIC.

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Explain the difference between these two
sentences. Be specific.

• The room was a mess.
• Rumpled bedspread, piled up clothes, and a
  jumbled dresser greeted me as I pushed my way
  into the room.

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Definition of telling and showing

• Telling is the use of broad generalizations.
• Showing is the use of details, facts, statistics,
  examples, anecdotes, quotations, description
  elaboration to develop, persuade, explain, or
  to enliven a story.

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Show with Description

• White shirts are dumb.

• White shirts are hard to clean, show pizza
  stains, and make you look like a waiter in a
  cheesy restaurant.

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Telling vs. Showing 1

• There are many fascinating things to see at the
  Farmers Market, which has been around for a long
  time.

Rows of tangerines, crisp red apples, long purple
eggplants, and succulent strawberries invite the
shopper to stop at every farmers stand. Many of
the farmers in the Farmers Market have sold
their home-grown vegetables and fruits since the
early 1900s when the market was the only place
to buy fresh food in the city. Now the market has
expanded to include bakeries, funky antique
stores, and a comic book vendor. The market is a
visual feast for tourists and a keepsake for our
town.
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Telling vs. Showing 2

• The Beatles started a new trend in music in the
  mid-sixties.

• For many Americans the evening of February
  9,1964, was a turning point in musical history.
  On this evening the Beatles made their debut in
  America on the Ed Sullivan television show.
  Kathi Anderson, then sixteen in Chicago,
  remembers, My friends and I sat shaking and
  hugging each other on the couch in my living room
  as the Fab Four bounced out onto the stage.
  Their shaggy hair shook as they sang I Want to
  Hold Your Hand and She Loves You with an
  energy and sound wed never heard before. We
  were instantly and forever in love. That night
  the British Invasion, as it was called, began.

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Telling vs. Showing 3Dang. That shore is a
purty dawn.

• In the house made of dawn,
• In the house made of evening twilight,
• In the house made of male rain,
• In the house made of dark mist
• In the house made of female rain,
• In the house made of pollen,
• In the house made of grasshoppers,
• Where the dark mist curtains the doorway,
• Where the zigzag lightning stands on top,
• Where the he-rain stands high on top,
• Oh, male divinity!
• With your moccasins of dark cloud, come to us!

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General vs. Specific

Rewrite the sentence on the left, using specific
and interesting language.
School lunches are (good) (bad). Choose either
side.
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Showing Sentences - your turn

• With a partner, write several sentences that show
  rather than tell.
• The pumpkin rolled down the hill.
• The man in the car was angry.
• You should have been at the concert.
• The blue car won the race.
• The pizza was delicious.

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Showing Sentences

• Select a narrowed topic of your own.
• Write a telling sentence on that topic.
• Write a paragraph or two that shows your telling
  sentence.
• Share with a partner.

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Reflection

• If you had to explain todays lesson to someone
  who could not attend class today and who also
  needs extra help, what would you tell them?

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Agenda Day 4

• Quick write
• Understand layering
• Reflect

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Quick Write

• Explain why you like candy or some other food.
• Elaborate.
• When you are finished, highlight the elaboration
  strategies you used and identify them.
• Share the strategies you used with a partner.

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Layering Elaboration

• A thoughtful writer. . .
• -Layers one sentence after another.
• -Each new sentence adds to or develops the
  thought
• like rings around
• a bulls-eye.

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Lists vs. Layers

• Dont add boring, list-like sentences just to
  make the paragraph longer.
• REMEMBER length doesnt always mean quality
  elaboration.
• List-like example -
• Having lots of choices is the reason why I eat
  at school. I love nachos. I like the pizza at
  school. Sometimes I order salad when I am
  feeling full. I have some favorite vegetables.

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Layering sounds like
TOPIC

• Having lots of food choices is the reason why I
  like my schools lunchroom.
• I can select my favorite foods for lunch
  everyday. I sometimes pick cheesy nachos with the
  melted cheese sauce smothered over the hot crispy
  chips. If I dont want anything that greasy,
  like nachos or pizza, I can choose a
  made-for-me salad. This means I get to choose
  what goes on it and my favorite veggies,
  including olives, peppers, and tomatoes. The
  best thing is I can pick a food that fits my
  attitude that day.

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Another Layering Example

• Native American conceptions of their gods were
  very different than that of the European
  settlers. Believers in the Coyote god of Coyote
  Finishes His Work, for example, considered him
  wise and powerful like the Christian God, but
  unlike Christians, openly admitted that he did
  many foolish things. A lot of those things had
  to do with Coyotes chasing girls, who didnt
  like him but were seduced anyway because Coyote
  always got the girls when he wanted. The
  European God apparently had less luck in this
  area, but did had the advantage of having no god
  above Him unlike Coyote, who was put in his
  place by the Great Spirit at the end of our
  selected reading.

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Layering - your turn

• Choose one of the following two topics. Then
  write a paragraph practicing elaboration by
  layering each sentence and developing the main
  idea.
• 1. A cultures creation stories say a lot about
  their civilization.
• 2. Nature makes me realize ______ about myself.

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Reflection

• Look at the Quick Write you wrote at the
  beginning of this class today.
• What kinds of elaboration strategies did you use?
  
• Can you find evidence of layering?
• Underline a sentence that you could change in
  which you could add some layered details.
• How did you do? If you were to grade yourself by
  the provide rubric, how would you fare?

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Agenda -- Day 5

• Bell Work- Read all of Page 113- Spotlight on
  Phyllis Wheatley-
• Write on the given prompt
• Do vocabulary quiz
• Hand in Papers
• Hand in Notebooks
• For next week.

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Remember

• Use what youve already learned about
• choosing a topic
• narrowing the topic
• organizing your ideas

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Remember

• Use what youve already learned about
• elaboration,
• showing vs. telling,
• layering,
• using specific details.

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Write On Demand

• Write a short essay on the following prompt
• How does the poem on page 113 reflect Phyllis
  Wheatleys life as an African-American in
  Colonial America AND the experience of
  African-Americans today?
• Use at least 3 methods of ELABORATION in your
  paragraph. When you are done, LABEL these
  methods in the margin.
• I will also grade your essay on how well you SHOW
  vs. TELL and how well you LAYER your writing.
• You may use a commercially published thesaurus
  and/or dictionary in print form.

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Compare with the Checklist

• Review the Expository Checklist.
• Write.
• What did you do well?
• What is still a challenge?

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Compare with the Checklist

• Now have a partner identify and discuss
• What were the areas of strength?
• In what areas could the paper be stronger?
• On your own
• Score your own paper.
• What score did you earn, and why?

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Reflection

• Today you experienced writing in a testing
  situation.
• What different approaches to choosing, narrowing,
  and organizing a topic did you try?
• How have you improved?
• What kinds of elaboration did you try and what
  kinds do you still need to work on? Add these to
  your goal form.
• Turn in your paper.