Working With Difficult People

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Working With Difficult People

• Rob Houser

User First Services, Inc. Atlanta,
Georgia rob_at_userfirst.net www.userfirst.net
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Goal of this workshop

• To identify strategies for working with
  difficult people who we might encounter in the
  workplace so we can become more effective
  technical communicators.

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Objectives

• To recognize the pros and cons of conflict
• To identify your conflict resolution style
• To classify 10 common difficult behaviors
• To learn strategies for coping with the 10 types
  of difficult behaviors

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• You can call it an argument all you want, but
  we both know its a fight!
• ---Rebecca
  Houser

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How do you define conflict?

• What words come to your mind when you hear the
  word conflict?

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What is conflict?

• When two or more people do not share the same
  beliefs, interests, or goals
• Conflict is natural and inevitable
• Conflict is often uncomfortable and stressful
• The goal of conflict resolution is not to
  eliminate conflict (or the other person) but to
  handle and resolve it constructively

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What is difficult behavior?

• Behavior that thwarts or frustrates us
• Behavior that threatens us (physically but more
  likely psychologically)
• Behavior that delays or disrupts the
  problem-solving process
• Defensive behavior others use when they feel
  threatened and under pressure

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Effects of difficult behavior

• Prevents us from doing our jobs (performance)
• Causes us not to enjoy our jobs (motivation)
• Lowers our self-esteem and confidence
  (psychological well being)
• Results in high levels of stress (health)

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Causes of difficult behavior

• Learned behavior (getting their way)
• Feeling thwarted and threatened
• Exceptional levels of stress
• Reactions to their difficult behavior which
  reinforce the behavior by increasing the stress
  they are already feeling
• Inflexibility (on both sides)

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What can you do about it?

• You cant change other people
• Learn to appreciate and draw upon the different
  strengths of difficult people
• Focus on coping with difficult behavior (adapting
  to other styles of communication)

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• Know thyself.
• ---The Seven Sages

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How do you respond to conflict?

• Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument
• Consider situations in which you find your wishes
  differing from those of another person
• If neither A nor B is typical of your behavior,
  select the one you would be most likely to use

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Analysis

• Competing _____
• Collaborating _____
• Compromising _____
• Avoiding _____
• Accommodating _____

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Five conflict handling modes
more assertive
assertiveness
less assertive
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Five conflict handling modes
more assertive
assertiveness
less assertive
cooperativeness
less cooperative
more cooperative
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Five conflict handling modes
more
COMPETING
COLLABORATING
assertiveness
COMPROMISING
AVOIDING
ACCOMODATING
less
cooperativeness
less
more
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Caveats

• Percentiles based on managers responses
• Evaluation used by military to select and train
  officers
• May be different for non-managers
• May be different for technical communicators in
  general

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Competing

• Assertive and uncooperative
• Individual pursues own concerns at the other
  persons expense
• Use power to win position (ability to argue,
  rank, sanctions)
• Might mean standing up for your rights, defending
  a position you believe to be correct, or simply
  trying to win

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Accommodating

• Unassertive and cooperative
• Neglect own concerns to satisfy concerns of other
  person
• Element of self sacrifice
• Might mean being generous, being forced to fall
  in line, or yielding to anothers point of view

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Avoiding

• Unassertive and uncooperative
• Put off pursuing concerns completely
• Conflict is not addressed
• Might mean being diplomatic, postponing until a
  better time, withdrawing from threatening
  situation

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Collaborating

• Assertive and cooperative
• Work with other person to find solution that
  satisfies the concerns of both persons
• Identifying underlying concerns and exploring
  alternatives
• Might mean confronting and trying to find a
  creative solution or learning from each other
  through different points of view

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Compromising

• Intermediate assertiveness and cooperativeness
• Find an expedient, mutually acceptable solution
  which partially satisfies both parties
• Between competing and accommodating
• Might mean splitting the difference, exchanging
  concessions, or seeking a quick middle ground
  position

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Not quite scientific research

• Only 23 people responded to initial survey
• Average Technical Communicator
• Competing 3 (low, 20th percentile)
• Collaborating 6
• Compromising 7
• Avoiding 7
• Accommodating 6 (high, 75th percentile)
• No one person was average for all styles

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Not quite scientific research

• Competing was the only significant male/female
  difference
• Women 3 (20th percentile)
• Men 7 (70th percentile)

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Not quite scientific research

• 1 to 4 years experience
• Low on competing (2/12th percentile)
• High on avoiding (8/80th percentile)
• 5 years experience
• More balanced in all styles
• Both groups
• High on accommodating (6/75th percentile)

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Not quite scientific research

• Positive Words
• unavoidable (2), challenging, directly, flexible,
  inevitable, human, politics, necessary
• Negative Words
• uncomfortable (2), stressful (3), frustrated,
  friction, tired, distracting, obstacle,
  unfortunate

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Not quite scientific research

• Positive Words
• Fairly mixed conflict styles
• Negative Words
• 79 especially low in competing
• 71 especially high in accommodating

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Impact of tendencies

• Extreme tendencies in conflict styles could lead
  those who used negative words to describe
  conflict to feel powerless and deprived of
  respect and recognition
• Managers who are especially high in accommodating
  often delay discipline and may lack overall
  direction for the group

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Questions to answer

• Do these preliminary numbers hold true across a
  wider number of our members?
• Do non-mangers have different averages than
  managers, even in our field?
• Why do technical communicators seem to have
  higher than average tendencies to accommodate?

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Flexing your conflict styles

• Remember that no one conflict style is right
• Recognize your natural tendencies when initially
  faced with conflict, and learn to adjust them
  according to the situation

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Competing

• When quick action is necessary
• For unpopular courses of action for important
  issues
• On issues of company welfare when you know you
  are right
• To protect yourself from others taking advantage
  of your non-competitive behavior

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Collaborating

• To find a solution that uses the best of both
  approaches when neither position can be
  compromised
• When you want to learn from others
• If you need to gain commitment from others
• To work through hard feelings that have
  interrupted an interpersonal relationship

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Compromising

• When goals are not greatly important and
  short-term relationships are important
• When both sides have equal power and will not
  budge
• To achieve temporary settlements to complex
  issues
• To make decisions quickly under deadlines
• If collaboration or competition fails

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Avoiding

• When issue is trivial or will pass quickly
• When your concerns will not be addressed
• When potential damage of conflict outweighs the
  benefits of resolving it
• To let people cool down
• When gathering more information outweighs value
  of making a decision
• When others can resolve it more effectively

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Accommodating

• When you realize you are wrong
• When issue is more important to other than
  yourself and you want to maintain a cooperative
  relationship
• To build goodwill for later issues
• When you are losing
• To maintain harmony, avoid disruption
• To allow subordinates to learn on their own

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Summary of conflict handling

• No one way of resolving conflict is always right
• Choose the right method for the right situation
  (user-centered, contextual)
• Learn to be flexible when dealing with conflict,
  switching to different styles as the situation
  changes

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• Have you learned lessons only of those who
  admired you, and were tender with you, and stood
  aside for you?
• Have you not learned great lessons from those who
  braced themselves against you, and disputed the
  passage with you?
• ---Walt
  Whitman

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10 Common Difficult Behaviors

• Super-Agreeables
• Indecisives
• Unresponsives
• Negativists
• Complainers

• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-all

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Sherman Tanks

• Attacking, accusing, abusive, abrupt,
  intimidating, overwhelming, confrontational
• Feel strong need to prove that their view of the
  world is always right
• Get irritated or angry if sense resistance
• See tasks as clear and concrete
• Value aggressiveness and confidence

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Snipers

• Teasing, innuendoes, not-too-subtle digs used to
  make you look foolish in groups
• Hides behind crowds and social constraints
• Often very witty
• Share Tanks strong sense of how others should
  act but is often unrealistic
• Can turn into a Tank if exposed

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Exploders

• Adult tantrum, rage barely under control
• When person feels thwarted or threatened
• May cry, be silently enraged, or yell/scream
• Anger often moves to suspicion and blaming
• Creates highest amount of resentment among others
  of all behaviors

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Complainers

• Find fault with everything, complain constantly,
  accusatory, prescriptive
• Feel someone should be doing something but feel
  helpless to take action
• Have distinct idea of what should be done
• Usually is some truth to their complaints

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Unresponsives

• Close down, even when asked direct question
  (answer yes, no, I dont know)
• Clam up when you need a response or expect
  conversation
• Difficult to determine why they are silent

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Super-Agreeables

• Want to be liked and loved by everyone
• Make others feel liked and approved of
• Tell you things that are satisfying to hear
• Often use humor to ease conversation
• Say Yes to everything but often dont deliver
  because they are over-committed
• Can secretly be resentful of doing so much

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Negativists

• Feel defeated and dispirited as though they have
  little power over their lives
• Pessimistic, more bitter than complainers
• Bring others down quickly
• Say Weve tried this before or That wont
  work without looking for solutions

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Know-it-all Experts

• Highly productive, thorough and accurate
  thinkers, careful planners
• Believe facts and knowledge provide stability
  answers lie within themselves
• Low tolerance for correction/contradiction
• Condescending, dont wait for others to catch up
  to their thought process or seek input from
  others

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Think-they-know-it-all

• Seek the admiration and respect of others by
  trying to act like experts when they are not
• Dont always know they are not experts
• Curious people like to learn a little about a
  lot of things

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Indecisives

• Put off making important decisions because they
  dont want to hurt anyone
• Have high standards
• Strive to help people
• Usually stall until the decision is made

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• If civilization is to survive, we must
  cultivate the science of human relationships--the
  ability of all people, of all kinds, to live
  together, in the same world at peace.
• --- Franklin D.
  Roosevelt

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10 Coping Methods

• Super-Agreeables
• Indecisives
• Unresponsives
• Negativists
• Complainers

• Sherman Tanks
• Snipers
• Exploders
• Know-it-all Experts
• Think-they-know-it-all

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Sherman Tanks

• Stand up for yourself without fighting
• Give them time to run down
• Dont worry about being polite, just get in
• Get their attention, carefully
• Get them to sit down
• Speak from your own point of view
• Avoid a head-on fight
• Be ready to be friendly

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Snipers

• Surface the attack
• Give the sniper an out (ask questions)
• Seek group confirmation or denial of the snipers
  criticism
• Move on to solve any problems uncovered

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Exploders

• Give them time to run down
• Show that you take them seriously
• Interrupt the interaction

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Complainers

• Listen attentively to their complaints
• Acknowledge what they say
• Be prepared to interrupt to acknowledge
• Dont agree or apologize
• State the facts without comment and apology
• Move quickly into problem solving

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Unresponsives

• Ask open-ended questions
• Use the friendly, silent stare
• Dont fill the space
• Comment on whats happening
• If clam opens up, listen rather than talk
• If clam stays closed, terminate meeting and
  reschedule

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Super-Agreeables

• Make honestly non-threatening
• Be personal - when you can
• Listen to their humor
• Be prepared to compromise

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Negativists

• Avoid getting drawn in
• State your own realistic optimism
• Dont argue
• Dont rush into proposing solutions
• Set a horror floor
• Use comments to make decisions
• Be ready to take action on your own

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Know-it-all Experts

• Do your homework
• Listen and acknowledge
• Question firmly, but dont confront
• Ask extensional questions to get details
• Acknowledge their competence
• Make time for reflection
• As last resort, let them be the expert

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Think-they-know-it-all

• State the facts as an alternative version
• Give them a way out

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Indecisives

• Establish a comfort zone
• Surface the issues
• Help them problem solve (make decision)
• Reassure after decision is made
• Strengthen the relationship

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• The person who grabs the cat by the tail learns
  about 44 percent faster than the one just
  watching.
• ---
  Mark Twain

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Positive Intent

• Control (to get the job done)
• Sherman Tanks, Snipers, Know-it-alls
• Perfection (to get it right)
• Complainers, Negativists, Unresponsives
• Approval Seeking (to get along)
• Super-agreeables, Indecisives, Negativists
• Attention Getting (to get appreciation)
• Exploders, Think-they-know-it-alls, Snipers

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Basic strategy - with time to think

• Describe the behavior in detail
• Write down your understanding of behavior
• Review your interaction with this person (what
  worked and didnt work)
• Choose the proper coping behavior
• What do you need to learn and practice
• Create an action plan and follow through

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Basic strategy - no time to think

• Determine positive intent and valued criteria
• Listen (but stop destructive behavior)
• Summarize (length depends on behavior)
• Clarify
• Speak to be heard
• State your positive intent
• Tell your story from your point of view
• Dont damage the relationship, if possible

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Conclusion

• Coping with difficult people is never easy and
  hardly ever fun
• Getting along with other people, even the
  difficult ones, is as important a skill for us as
  good writing and Java scripting
• We make better decisions as a group, but groups
  and teams also have tendencies towards certain
  conflict styles

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Conclusion

• Practice coping techniques in safe situations
• Avoid attributing internal motives to behavior
  assume good intentions
• Remember that everybody is somebodys difficult
  person at least some of the time

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Recommended Books

• Bramson, Robert M. Coping With Difficult People.
  Dell Publishing. New York 1981.
• Bolton, Robert and Dorothy Grover Bolton. People
  Styles at Work. American Management Association.
  New York 1996
• Brinkman, Rick and Rick Kirschner. Dealing With
  People You Cant Stand. R.R. Donnelley Sons.
  New York 1994.