Discipline with Love and Logic

1
Discipline with Love and Logic

• Kristin Hasbrook
• 246-6477 ext. 1128
• hasbkr_at_hamiltondist.k12.wi.us

2
Parenting Joy or nightmare?

• All parents are doing thebest they can
  withwhat they have got

3
What are your expectations for your child?

• List the top 5 values you want your child to have

4
Goal of every parent

• I say what I mean,mean what I say anddo what
  I say Ill do

5
Ineffective parenting styles

• Helicopter Parent
• Drill Sergeant
• Laissez-Faire Parent

6
Helicopter parents

• Believe that to love their children their lives
  must revolve around them
• They hover and then rescue their children
• They protect their children from anything that
  may come in their way
• Try to create the perfect world for their
  children where they never have to fail, struggle,
  feel disappointment or discomfort

7
Why is this not good?

• Leaves children unequippedfor the challenges of
  life
• Opportunities for children to learn were taken
  from them
• In order to grow children must learnfrom their
  mistakes
• In the real world no onetakes care of them

8
Message helicopter parents send

• YOU ARE FRAGILE AND YOU CAN NOT MAKE IT WITHOUT
  ME

9
Drill sergeant parents

• Believe that the more they yell the more control
  they have
• Constantly tell their children what to do
• Often use words full of put-downs
• Believe kids should be disciplined

10
Why is this not good?Children

• Become dependent on theirparents for the answers
• Fall into peer pressure more easily because they
  are used tobeing told what to do
• Do not learn how to make decisions
• Become followers as they have been taught

11
Message drill sergeantparents send

• YOU CANT THINK FOR YOURSELF, SO ILL DO IT
  FOR YOU

12
Laissez-faire parents

• Decide that childrenshould raise themselves
• Believe that they should betheir childs friend
• Feel guilty and allow them to run free

13
Why is this not good?

• Children need rules andconsequences to learn
  from
• Children are not adultsand can not self-regulate
• Parents are parents, not friends

14
The consultant parent

• Provides firm limits and guidelines
• Has natural consequences
• Understands the development of the child
• Allows children to think and make decisions on
  their own
• Provides choices for their children

15
What type of parent are you?
16
Raising responsible kids

• Responsibility
• Prepares children for the real world
• Develops self-concept
• Develops confidence
• Allows children to be more independent

17
4 steps to building responsibility

• Give the child a task he can handle
• Hope the child blows it
• Let equal parts of empathy and consequence do the
  teaching
• Give the same task again

18
STEP 1Give the child a task he can handle
19
Hope the child blows it?

• Teaches a real world lesson
• Helps children find new solutions
• Gives children an opportunity to fail in a safe
  environment

20
Let empathy and consequencesdo the talking . . .

• Be empathetic before you share the bad news
• Empathy builds relationships
• Children must learn that mistakes hurt them -
  When the adult gets angry the message gets lost
• Children need to attend to how to make better
  choices, not to their parents anger
• Consequences allow the child to own the problem

21
Have them do the same task again

• Children learn from their mistakes
• Communicates to childrenthat you trust them
• Says, You are capable

22
But it is hard towatch my child fail!
23
Let them fail . . .

• Gives them a chance to learn
• Helps them to understand that every action has a
  consequence,both good and bad
• Learns the lesson of decision making early so
  that harder decisions are easier later
• Learns the skills of decision making and problem
  solving

24
Learning at a time when it is an affordable price

• Little kids.little problems
• Big kids.bigger problems

25
Setting limits helps children

• Learn what is appropriateand what is not
• Feel safe
• Learn how to function in the family and the world

26
The art of control

• I will always provide two alternatives, either
  of which will make me deliriously happy!

27
Magic phrases for stating choices

• What would bebest for you?
• Would you rather . . .?
• Feel free to . . .
• You can either . . .

28
Thinking questions

• Would you like to wear a coat or a sweater?
• PUT YOUR COAT ON NOW!
• When you feel cold make sure to grab a coat.
• PUT A COAT ON NOW!
• Would you like to be quiet while we read or go in
  your room and play?
• BE QUIET!
• OPTIONS HELP REMOVE POWER STRUGGLES

29
Consequences

• Natural consequences
• Enforceable
• Consistent

30
Natural consequences

• You can play with your friends as soon as your
  homework is done
• You dont have to eat dinner, but there is
  nothing else to eat
• You can watch TV once your room is clean
• THINKING, OPTIONS, YES, CHOICES

31
Sometimes, there is not a natural consequence.

• Unlike a natural consequence this consequence is
  between the child and the adult
• Happens when a behavior creates a problem for
  someone else
• Ex I am sorry, dinner time is at 600

32
Assignment

• Think of a common argument that you get into with
  your child
• Write down how you usually handle this
• Write down your childs response
• Think of a new natural consequence that you can
  try

33
Mean what you say,say what you mean

• Consistency is key
• If you dont follow through your child takes on
  the lottery mentality
• If it is new, your child will test you

34
Choose your battles carefully

• Battles are inevitable BUT when they happen
• Avoid them at all cost
• Win at all costs
• Pick your issue carefully

35
C.O.O.L.

• C CONTROL THAT IS SHARED
• O OWNERSHIP OF THE PROBLEM
• O OPPORTUNITY FOR THINKING AND DECISION
  MAKING
• L Let empathy and consequences do the
  teaching

36
Control

• Children must control the problem. If they
  dont, you could
• Steal kids opportunities to learn
• Become overwhelmed with raising kids
• Have frequent arguments with your children - Ex
  dinner time

37
Ownership of the problem

• Allowing children to own the problem allows for
  them to find ways to solve their problem

38
How to determine when it is not our problem

• What is going to happen to me if that problem
  doesnt get solved?
• If your answer is nothing, then it is
  thechilds problem

39
Pulling you into the argument

• You dont love me anymore
• It is not fair
• You love her more than me
• I hate you
• You dont care
• Dad wouldnt do that

40
Let empathy and consequencesdo the teaching

• Express your empathy beforeyour anger or a
  consequence
• Delaying your consequencegives you time to think
• Use less words.lectures dont work

41

• Brainstorm and questions . . .