POLARCOM

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POLARCOM ORGANIZATIONAL CHART
POLARCOM Commander MG Glacier Chief of Staff
COL Icicle Headquarters A secret location in the
Arctic
POLARTY (Polar Artillery) LTC
Sealkiller Headquarters Arctic Natl Wildlife
Refuge
Bering Regiment The Maulers LTC Avalanche HQ
Nome, Alaska
Hudson Bay Regiment The Ice Stalkers LTC
Iceberg HQ Churchill, Manitoba
Greenland Regiment Maltrakterer LTC
Forkølelse HQ Gødthab
Norsk Regiment Ødelegger LTC Sne HQ
Longyearbyen, NO
POLARSOC (Polar Special Operations Command) LTC
Icepick HQ The North Pole (about 3 km from
Santas workshop)
Kotzebue Company (Mechanized) HQ A Den near the
main office of the Cape Krusenstern National
Monument, Alaska
Nordkapp Company HQ Hammerfest, NO
Beluga Company HQ Churchill
Qanaaq Company HQ Thule
Commando Company (currently conducting
unspecified operations in Prudhoe Bay)
Walrus Company HQ Southampton Island, Canada
Spitsbergen Company HQ Ny Friesland, NO
Knud Rasmussen Company HQ Daneborg
Parachute Company HQ Ukkusiksalik NP, Nunavut
Territory
Fairbanks Company (Armor) HQ Fairbanks, AK
Seal Company HQ Baffin Island, Canada
Wandel Sea Company (Amphibious) HQ Long 19W, Lat
83N
Haakon Company HQ Oslo, NO
Mountain Company (Polar Bear-Grizzly Joint
Operations) HQ Glacier NP, MT
Yukon Company (Mechanized) HQ Ivvavik NP, Yukon
Recon Troop HQ White Bear Lake, MN
Deployed to Afghanistan Deployed to
Antarctica (Peacekeeping operation to end leopard
seal-penguin wars) Deployed to Iraq
(Kurdistan) POLARTY consists of 2 batteries
of bear-propelled 155mm howitzers, one battery of
bear-propelled 203mm guns, and a target
acquisition battery equipped with
seal-breathing-hole-detecting radars, all located
in the ANWR
Active duty
Reserve
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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• Biblical era
• Gideon was able to win victory with only 300
  soldiers, because he also had 30 polar bears
• Joshua made the walls of Jericho collapse because
  marching around the city 7 times was actually a
  ruse to cover the advance of several polar bears,
  who whacked the walls down.
• Sennacherib lifted the siege of Jerusalem, not
  because of a plague, but because he heard a
  relief force of polar bears was approaching.
• Samson was a polar bear

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• Bronze Age
• During the siege of Troy, Hector was killed by a
  polar bear, who dragged his carcass around the
  city before ripping his skin off in full view of
  his parents (the polar bear didnt mean to cause
  insult he just thought that, like a seal,
  Hector might have a nice layer of blubber under
  his skin)

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• Classical Era
• Julius Caesar was once quoted as saying, Vene,
  Vidi, Vici, until I ran into an army of polar
  bears, when I figured that I should probably
  stop.
• The Norman Conquest
• The saying, Harold died with an arrow to his
  eye, is actually a mistranslation of the Middle
  English text. The correct translation is,
  Harold died because a polar bear ripped his guts
  out.
• The Hundred Year War
• Most of the French nobility were devoured by
  polar bears at Agincourt after English longbowmen
  shot their horses.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• American War of Independence
• Cornwallis planned to continue holding out at
  Yorktown, until two of his redoubts were captured
  by polar bears.
• Norwegian Independence
• Sweden granted Norway her independence in 1905,
  but only because several hundred polar bears had
  surrounded Stockholm.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• World War One
• During fighting in 1918, the Bering regiment
  earned the nickname, Insatiable appetites of the
  Marne.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• World War Two
• POLARCOM (then known as the polar bear army)
  first mobilized in 1939 to fight against the
  Soviets in Finland. This is one of the main
  reasons Finland was able to fight the USSR to a
  standstill.
• POLARCOM was officially created as a clause in a
  little-known attachment to the Atlantic Charter
  entitled The Arctic Ocean Charter
• POLARCOM fought alongside British and Norwegian
  forces against the German invasion in 1940, but
  were forced to withdraw to Spitsbergen.
• From 1940-1944, POLARCOM fought mostly small-unit
  actions alongside the Norwegian Resistance.
• In 1944-45, POLARCOM deployed in full to
  Scandinavia in order to cut off the retreat of
  German units from the USSR through Finland. In
  one of POLARCOMs greatest moments, a single
  POLARCOM company devoured the entire 160th SS
  Panzergrenadier Regiment.
• One POLARCOM commando company fought in the
  Aleutians.
• In a little-known incident, POLARCOM commandos
  swam the Pacific, boarded the Japanese battleship
  Musashi, and ate the crew. However, the
  commandos were forced to abandon their prize when
  they realized that polar bears dont know how to
  sail battleships.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• Korean War
• The UN voted to resist North Korean aggression
  because the Soviet ambassador, who was planning
  to veto the resolution, was trapped in his house
  by an angry polar bear.
• The Inchon invasion succeeded thanks to polar
  bears swimming ashore ahead of the main invasion
  force and devouring the North Korean shore
  batteries.
• A POLARCOM battalion fought alongside the US
  Marines at the Chosin reservoir for two weeks
  before being forced to withdraw due to extreme
  hunger (the Chinese and North Korean soldiers
  were too skinny to eat).

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• The Arab-Israeli Wars
• Fast-moving polar bear squads attached to the
  Palmach contributed greatly to Israels victory
  in the 1948 War of Independence
• The six-day war of 1967 is known to polar bears
  as The Six-Day Feast
• Israel was near defeat in the 1973 Yom Kippur War
  until polar bears swam the Suez Canal and smashed
  the Egyptian Surface-to-Air missile batteries on
  the western side.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• The Cold War
• POLARCOM defeated a Soviet plan to infiltrate
  trained seals to sabotage the Alaska oil
  pipeline.
• There was a little-known plan that in the event
  of war, polar bears were to ambush any Soviet
  missile submarines trying to surface through the
  Arctic pack ice.
• Every Ballistic Missile Early Warning System
  (BMEWS) radar site had a POLARCOM squad for
  security.
• A recently declassified plan called for polar
  bears to wait next to Soviet ICBM silos, and if
  the missiles were ever fired, the bears would
  whack them as they came up.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• The Vietnam War
• Unfortunately, political and climatological
  considerations stopped LBJ from mobilizing
  POLARCOM to fight in Vietnam.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• The First Gulf War
• After conquering Kuwait, Saddam Hussein balked at
  continuing his advance into Saudi Arabia because
  of the rapid deployment of the POLARCOM parachute
  company.
• POLARCOM was instrumental in the encirclement of
  Iraqi forces in Kuwait. The Highway of Death
  is known to polar bears as The Great Smorgasbord
  just north of Kuwait City.
• POLARCOM were the only coalition force to provide
  aid to the 1991 Iraq uprisings, sending a company
  each to support the Kurds in the north and the
  Shia in the south as part of Operation Provide
  Mauling.

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Great Moments in POLARCOM History

• The Former Yugoslavia
• The Dayton Accords were signed only after Pres.
  Clinton threatened to deploy polar bears to eat
  all the warring parties
• Rwanda
• It is a little-known fact that the Rwandan
  genocide ended only after two companies of polar
  bears showed up to set everyone straight.
• Due to the secrecy of the deployment (and to
  avoid offending gorilla sensibilities), Gen.
  Dallaire was not allowed to mention this in his
  memoirs.