DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIPS

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DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIPS

• How to Identify Respond to the 7 Warning Signs
• of a Troubled Relationship

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DV Statistics

• 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence
  during her lifetime.
• Young women age 16-24 experience the highest rate
  of domestic violence16 per 1,000 persons.
• 21 of college students report they have
  experienced dating violence by a current partner.
  32 report dating violence by a previous
  partner.
• Over 13 of college women report they have been
  stalked. Of these, 42 were stalked by a
  boyfriend or ex-boyfriend.
• In Georgia, there were 55 domestic-violence
  related homicides in 2006. 45 of these crimes
  were committed by men and 10 were committed by
  women.
• Domestic violence and sexual assault are leading
  causes of injuries for girls and women between
  the ages of 15 and 44 in the state of Georgia.

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Warning Sign 1 WHIRLWIND BEGINNING

• Intensitytoo much, too soon
• The drug of specialness
• The push for intimacy togetherness
• The power of intimate words
• Put high upon a pedestal

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How to Deal with the Heady Rush of a Passionate
Beginning

• Halt! Slow it down
• Is this a person that I really want to get
  involved with?
• Who is your partner?
• Ask questions listen carefully to the answers
• An individual that is unwilling to respect your
  time-table for intimacy is unlikely to respect
  your feelings in other matters
• Dont give up your friends, hobbies, and private
  time and dont encourage him/her to do so either.
  

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Warning Sign 2 POSSESSIVENESS

• You belong to me, its just you and me
• Your time belongs to me
• Honeymoon phase
• Bribery
• Excluding friends family
• Ill pick your clothes, your hairstyle, your
  everything

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POSSESSIVENESS cont.

• Control develops subtly as the abuser uses these
  strategies
• Romantic or sexual seduction
• Im on your side
• For your own good
• Charm
• Mood swings

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How to Stay in Charge of Your Own Life

• Be who you really are
• Love is not about agreement
• Evaluate how you are giving your time
• Know your likes and dislikes
• Golden Rule Only adopt new ideas, behaviors, or
  lifestyles if you would adopt them regardless of
  whether the new person stays in your life.

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Warning Sign 3 THE SWITCH

• Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr./Mrs. Hyde
• Displays of intense, unpredictable anger that is
  often disproportionate to the situation
• Hurtful distancing
• Quick and dramatic personality changes
• Walking on eggshells/Sacrificing your truth
• Inability to let go

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How to Work with YourPartners Emotional
Extremes

• Responding to emotional reactions
• Emotional reactivity is not a measure of love
• Observe, observe, observe
• Talk to friends family
• Dealing with those who hang on to hurt
• Willingness to healwhat is your friend doing in
  the service of healing?
• Notice how s/he reacts to suggestions that
  healing be done

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Warning Sign 4 BLAME

• Its not my problem
• Accepting the blame starts a cycle
• Why is it always someone elses fault?
• Low self-esteem, damaged sense of self worth
• Their basic stance to life is, Theyve done it
  to me.
• Indifference to your pain

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How to Refuse Blame that Doesnt Belong to You

• Take responsibility appropriately by thinking
  things through
• Dont take responsibility when it isnt your
  fault!

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Warning Sign 5 VERBAL ABUSE

• Cutting you down
• Beating you down when youre up
• My way or the highway
• Lack of mutual problem solving
• Punishing you for getting out of line

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How to Stand Up to Words That Hurt

• Distinguishing constructive criticism from abuse
• The too sensitive excuse
• Accept only those changes that you want for
  yourself
• Never good enough
• What am I doing in a relationship with someone
  who keeps beating me down?
• Why do I choose to stay in such a non-nurturing
  environment?

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Warning Sign 6 INSENSIVITY

• Lack of caring for the well-being of others
• Uncaring or unfeeling attitude toward animals,
  the environment or people in general.
• Anger
• Lack of empathy
• Leads to cruelty
• neglect
• disregard/destruction of other peoples property
• Behavior follows attitude and belief
• Valuing others

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How to Recognize an Uncaring Attitude as a
Precursor to Violence

• If you hear your partner voicing an opinion that
  seems to reflect a callous attitude, take it
  seriously.
• When your partner says something callous,
  investigate their thinking, ask questions
• How did you come to such a conclusion?
• What makes you think that?
• Ignorance vs. Indifference
• Willful neglect

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Warning Sign 7 PAST PRESENT VIOLENCE

• The alarm goes unheeded
• Direct vs. indirect aggression
• Sibling rivalry
• Violence as jealousy
• To the abuser, violence is an acceptable response
  to stress and frustration.

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Past Present Violence cont.

• Inventing reasons that make violence acceptable
• Demand for approval and obedience
• Punishing for failure to obey
• Abuser may only be violent in his home
• Failure to express remorse
• Minimization
• Shifting blame
• The victim ends up comforting the victimizer.

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Past Violence Predicts Future Violence
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How to See Violence for what it IS Resist the
Temptation to Excuse it Away

• Past violence childhood and adolescence
• Violence in adulthood
• Get help immediately
• Be honest about what happened
• Take action immediately
• Once an incident of domestic violence has
  occurred, that violence will escalate with each
  episode the battering is progressive usually
  will not stop until one of the partners dies.

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What to take away from this lecture

• Always take the time to get to know someone see
  how he/she behaves in various situations, with
  different people
• Trust how you feel in the relationship do you
  feel happy, safe, secure? Or anxious, too eager
  to please, afraid of doing the wrong thing? Do
  you feel valued, listened to, or does the
  attention always revolve around the other person?
• Observe how people treat others the world
  around themremember that people are consistent
  with themselves.

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Questions?

• Please complete the program evaluation
• form before leaving.
• Info for the evaluation
• Title of Session Dangerous Relationships
• Shannon Nix, M.S., LAPC
• Augusta State University Counseling Center
• Boykin Wright Hall, 1st floor
• 706.737.1471
• www.aug.edu/counseling
• snix_at_aug.edu